Alone, I left my parents house very early this morning for the first time since my mom died.
I have been staying with my Dad, so we have been leaving the house around 8 am for the last four and a half months.
I used to cherish my quiet ride going to work, embrace the beauty around me as the early morning breeze and the majic of the daylight breaking in the horizon filled my soul with a great sense of peace and joy.
This morning, everything felt different. As I crossed the turn that leads to my own house where my wife and youngest son are sleeping, my emotions got the best of me. A weird, out of body sensation took over me. I felt numb, as if my whole body was paralyzed and as if the car was on auto pilot.
Memories of my life were crossing my mind as if I was sitting in front of a TV Screen. Memories of the day I came to the US, the day I met my lovely wife, our kids nices and nephews growing up, the ups and downs in my marriage, the death of my very young sister in law and father in law. My brother losing his job and going back to France, me breaking my ankle and having two surgeries, my brother in law's sickness and dying, my mother's sickness and dying .
AND NOW... Another arrow strikes my heart, cutting off another piece of the little bit of flesh that is left so it keeps beating. My Pretty Girl, the woman that stole my heart with the beauty of her eyes and soul, my best friend who shared my happiness and pains, and I are going our separate ways.She tried her best to make it work and So did I, but we couldn't overcome our pride as we grew apart.
As all these emotions rolled in my mind, I felt the tears building up but couldn't cry.
I tried to squeeze them out but my eye lids were frozen open.
A beeping horn brought me back to reality. A deputy next to me on the red light rolled down his window and asked me if I knew what is the lane I am on is for? I looked at him still trying to get myself back together. I guess I got on his nerves so his yelled with his southern accent:
" it is called the crossing lane and you can get up to $185 ticket" and he drove away breaking the silence of the morning with the sound of his rumbling engine.
As I am writing this post my tears are flowing down my cheeks, not because I feel sorry for myself but because I miss the conversations, the dreams and the time I had with Sam, my brother in law. I miss my mother's beautiful smile and her loving arms around me, her presence and care that always made me feel safe.Now, I am going to miss my dreams of growing old with the beautiful girl that will always have my heart and will miss telling her every morning:
"I LOVE YOU MY PRETTY GIRL"