It has been a full week since Dad passed away and I'm surprised about how time is flying. The last seven days have been the strangest in my life; I have felt a combination of sadness, relief and amazingly (at least to me) a new lease on life.
I always asked myself if I would break down when my dad died, if I would cry a lot or if I would be surprised by my reaction. I think it has been the latter. While I feel a lot of pain I also cherish my life more than ever. I think going through this experience has been so traumatic and exhaustive that I feel more blessed every day about having the chance to live.
I almost feel guilty about feeling more happy than sad, even when I know my dad would have wanted it to be that way. Perhaps because we always talked about celebrating life it's possible I'm trying not to disappoint him.
I'm sure things will get harder before they get better. Right now it still feels like one of my dad's crazy trips. I'm not sure what it will be like not to be able to talk to him in 6 months, a year or ever again.
One thing I do know is that my dad would not want me to stop. He would want me to continue full on and I think that gives me strength and drive. I'm not a religious person and neither was dad so I cannot say I will ever see him again. I know however that I will continue to talk to him (in a non-crazy way:)) and I will work on making him proud.
Healing will take time and it might never happen completely but I will overcome any sadness and loneliness with all that I have to live for; he would have wanted it that way, for me, my mom and everyone he loved.
It has been a great pleasure to have the opportunity to share my questions, experiences and fears with the CC family. I can only hope medicine and technology will continue to improve and provide better solutions and help our loved ones live better and pain free lives.
I wish everyone all the best and strength with this terrible experience.
Keep on the good fight and stay in touch.