Time is going by without you, darling, and I find it hard to grasp that two whole years have passed since you were here with me.
Where does time go? I keep myself very busy and work very hard. I think you would consider this very sensible but the world is so empty without you to fill it.
You were such an interesting man and such an inspiration to me. I was always happy surrounded by your love and enveloped in it. Now, without that love, I feel a lesser person and one who is grasping at life but finding little meaning in it.
I know that this is because you always were the best part of me. You challenged me, encouraged me, taught me and opened my eyes to the world around me. You gave me a perspective, a framework, a structure to my life. Along with this you added your warmth, your tenderness, your kindness, your sense of humour and your love. You were proud of me, grateful to me and you loved me. You made me feel strong, confident and protected. For 27 years our world was filled with love and laughter. We were never bored or depressed, just happy.
I read a comment in my hospital diary that you had made when we were told that your cancer had spread, "Well, I suppose I'll have to accept that I'm mortal after all", you joked to me and the doctor. How brave you were, darling. How was it that you never complained or expressed self pity? Do you see what a lesser person I have become: self indulgent and self absorbed?
My life now lacks the intellectual perspective you gave it, it lacks your love and laughter and is filled with emptiness. I go along filling in time. The present has no meaning, only the past has that. I see no future, just a series of endless next steps.
In the last few weeks I stepped off this conveyor belt and the present became a reality for a while as I sank myself into you again, desperate for a hug, some words of comfort, a little joke perhaps. Then the pain and torment of those terrible last few weeks came into focus and it was unbearable, of course. However, I managed to replace this with memories of more positive and beautiful times, with the help of some old photos and momentos. And so I have come through again, beyond the moment where you took your last breath, to the first hours after your pain was over when your struggle ended and mine began.
Poetry and music have helped to sustain me over these past two years and, during these past two days in Italy, I have read some poems that we both loved and others that now hold meaning for me.
Here is part of a poem that expresses the pride I feel in the contribution you made, both intellectually and politically, to move humanity forward with a vision which was, as your friends and colleagues have said, far ahead of its time.
..." Near the snow, near the sun, in the highest fields,
See how these names are feted by the waving grass....
The names of those who in their lives fought for life,
Who wore at their hearts the fire's centre.
Born of the sun, they travelled a short while toward the sun
And left the vivid air signed with their honour"...
And this poem expresses my ongoing love for you. I will never say goodbye, darling, but will keep your love alive, forever inside me. I am holding you in my heart and will never let go.
" I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart).
I am never without it ( anywhere I go you go, my dear, and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling).
No fate ( for you are my fate, my sweet) I want
no world ( for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
Higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide,
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.
I carry your heart ( I carry it in my heart)."
With all my love forever