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(2 replies, posted in Grief Management)

So this year is my sons very first christmas. His first time waking up christmas morning to a stocking overflowed, his first time seeing the beautifuly lit tree overwhelmed with presents, his first time seeing the jolly red guy his uncle is dressed up as. I should be happy, I should be excited. The last 2 years I have dreaded christmas and all the trimmings. This year I have something to celebrate, someone to celebrate. So why aren't I smiling. Could it be the fact that right now I am staring at the calendar on the fridge which is more full than not? Why would this bother me? Because almost all the events are with my husbands family. Although I adore them and they are all wonderful to me, they remind me of what I have lost....my family. As most of you who will read this know, my mom, my best friend, my whole world died on October 20, 2008 leaving behind, myself, my brother and sister and my father. I thought, I guess assumed that when mom passed away our family of 5 would become a family of 4. Little did i know, we would become a family of 3 as my dad somehow lost interest somewhere along the way. How the hell do you lose interest in being a family? I'm not sure, i'll ask him the next time he speaks to me for 5 whole minutes every few months. Is this him grieving? Never speaking of the woman he spent the last 32 years of his life with? moving on within days of her passing and then getting married? Removing the clothes, the pictures, the memories of the woman he kissed goodnight every night of his life? Is this him grieving or are his true colors showing, does he really want to forget his old life and eveything in it? I cant take the heartache anymore, I just want my old life back. I am 29 years old, I know the difference, but Santa if you see this please bring my mom back to me and my family. God bless you Santa xo

My husband is away for work and so I am alone for the next week....not good. I hate being alone b/c that is when I think the most and relive everything. As I lay here in bed tonight I am thinking how crazy it is that our lives are filled with so many years and months and days and seconds but the minute tragedy strikes our lives are no longer divided into days and months and years but now "before mom got sick" and "after mom got sick". Everything, no matter how small will fit into one of these categories forever.
Mom started a journal when she got sick and wrote in it for almost 2 weeks until she was no longer able to write straight. I read that journal whenever I am alone. I know it will make me upset but at least then I will feel something, other than that I feel numb daily. It's been almost 2 years and it still kills me to hear my friends talk about their moms. When they fight with their moms I want to shake them and tell them to wake up and stop wasting their energy on such trivial stuff for one day, they will no longer have what I am so jealous of now. I don't really have a point to this post, I just wanted to vent to someone. To have someone tell me it will be okay. To have someone understand. To have someone......I hate being alone sad

It's been a long time since I have visited this site but I really need to hear from people who understand. October 20th, 2010 will mark the second anniversary of my moms passing at the young age of 52.  From diagnosis to death, those 6 weeks were the worst of my life. Since then so many things have changed. January 29, 2010 my husband and I welcomed the most beautiful baby boy into our lives. Everytime I look at him, I fall more and more in love...and then it hits me. He will never know his Grandmother, the woman who loved him more than anything before he was even conceived, he will never hear her infectious laugh or taste her amazing meals. I look at him and think I can't imagine ever leaving him in life and then I think of my mom who lwas forced to leave her 3 children behind. I wonder if she thought of all the things in life she would miss each time she closed her eyes at night. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder....and then I can't breathe. The pain and sadness overcomes me and I feel like I am living it all over again. I miss her more then words could ever describe, but it hurts too much to remember, good or bad...and so I push the memories out of my mind and try to get through the day. I laugh with my family and friends, I play with my baby boy, I cuddle with my husband. I should be happy but then I am reminded that I am here and she is not and never again in my life will I ever be 100% happy. It's not fair!!!! Will it always hurt this much?

4

(9 replies, posted in Grief Management)

I am wondering, do seconds and thirds and fourths and so on hurt as bad as firsts? My first birthday, her first birthday, our first mothers day without Mom. There will be so many more firsts, i don't know that I can handle the seconds being as bad sad

5

(7 replies, posted in Grief Management)

I want to know when the physical pain of losing your mother, your best friend, your world stops?! I want to know when I will be able to hear someone else talk about their mother without hating them? I want to know when I will stop reliving every agonizing detail of her final days and wondering if I could have done  more? I want to know, why her? I want to know whos life I am living and what happened to my life? I want to know how the hell I am supposed to live everyday for the rest of my life without her love, her kindness, her knowledge?! Every question I have ever had, my mother has answered. Who will answer my questions now sad

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(10 replies, posted in Introductions!)

Lisa,
I am so very sorry that you and your family have to go through this. It breaks my heart to know what your children will have to go through but also the way you feel as I know it is exactly the way my mom felt. Mom cried very little through the whole ordeal. The only time she really cried was when talking about leaving us behind. The road ahead will be a rough one but as someone who has experienced this first hand I will answer your questions. 1) How will they feel? I will be honest, they will be devastated. But they will also be so greatful that they had such an amazing mother. My mom was amazing and often went above and beyond for us. My siblings and I often say we'd rather have 28 years of a perfect mom than a lifetime of an average one. 2) Who will be there for them? They will be there for each other. My siblings and I were always close, but over the last 6 months we have formed a bond closer than I could ever have imagined. They are my rocks, your children will find strength in each other. 3) How will they go on without you? They will never be without you for you are a part of them and they will see you in themselves and in each other. You will forver hold a special place in their hearts and will live on in their memories always. Your need for each other will never change. I need my mother more and more each day but she has shaped myself, my brother and my sister into the people we are today and has shown us enough love to last a lifetime. Take each day as it comes and live each moment to it's fullest for it is these moments they will look back on for years to come. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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(9 replies, posted in Grief Management)

OK, now I am crying. Thank you all for your responses. When you are in this situation you truly feel that noone in the world could understand the pain and the loss that you feel. This site, however, has shown me that someone does understand...you. Thank you for that. I am so very sorry for the losses you have all endured. Nobody should ever have to feel the pain and emptiness of losing someone.  My mom was an amazing woman, and to know her was to love her as is evidenced by the more than 400 people that came to her wake. She had a way of making you feel like you were the only one in the world when you spoke-her eyes, her focus, her attention was on you. She made you feel like you had something worth saying regardless of how trivial it actually was. She had a way...she just had a way!! I hate that for a while everyone was so grief stricken over the loss of my mother. But slowly, as to be expected, everyone went on with their lives. They returned home to their families after the funeral, they went back to their jobs after the weekend, they laughed with their friends again that night but for us, there is no going back. We will forever live this nightmare, we are forever scarred with the memories of her slowly slipping away before our eyes, we will live the rest of our lives without the love and guidance of our mother. I hate that everyone else gets to go back to normal...I WANT TO GO BACK!!!!!!!!!I don't mean to rant but sometimes it's all just too much and I want to scream...in fact, sometimes I do. Thank you all!! *HUGS*

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(10 replies, posted in Introductions!)

OK, now I am crying. Thank you all for your responses. When you are in this situation you truly feel that noone in the world could understand the pain and the loss that you feel. This site, however, has shown me that someone does understand...you. Thank you for that. I am so very sorry for the losses you have all endured. Nobody should ever have to feel the pain and emptiness of losing someone.  My mom was an amazing woman, and to know her was to love her as is evidenced by the more than 400 people that came to her wake. She had a way of making you feel like you were the only one in the world when you spoke-her eyes, her focus, her attention was on you. She made you feel like you had something worth saying regardless of how trivial it actually was. She had a way...she just had a way!! I hate that for a while everyone was so grief stricken over the loss of my mother. But slowly, as to be expected, everyone went on with their lives. They returned home to their families after the funeral, they went back to their jobs after the weekend, they laughed with their friends again that night but for us, there is no going back. We will forever live this nightmare, we are forever scarred with the memories of her slowly slipping away before our eyes, we will live the rest of our lives without the love and guidance of our mother. I hate that everyone else gets to go back to normal...I WANT TO GO BACK!!!!!!!!!I don't mean to rant but sometimes it's all just too much and I want to scream...in fact, sometimes I do. Thank you all!! *HUGS*

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(9 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Hello,

This is my first time here. Around September 2008, my mother started complaining of pains in her stomach and was not able to eat anything. This was the first time I had really ever heard my mom complain about anything so I pushed her to go to her doctor. She went and the doctor believed she was having a gallbladder attack but sent her for an ultrasound to confirm her diagnosis. Unfortunately our healthcare system sucks and moms appointment was not for almost 3 months, however being a nurse I was able to get it pushed ahead to within a week. Following the ultrasound, mom was called by the doctor who wanted to discuss the results with her. This is where my heart break begins. Mom went to the appointment, alone!!. Why not, there was never any indication anything was seriously wrong. This was Sept 3., 2008. This was the day mom found out she had spots on her liver and was referred to a general surgeon. To make a long story short, after going in circles and being completely disrespected by doctors, we were informed that mom had stage 4 liver cancer (intra-hepatic cholangiocarcinoma). It was too advanced to do any form of treatment. Over the phone, I was informed that mom had weeks to months to live. We were not even given enough respect to be told face to face that our mother was going to die. Mom wanted to go home, and we were going to respect her wishes. We had months right? and miracles happen every day!! This is when the doctor decided to visit. When he walked out of the room, I said "do you really think she only has weeks to months", he said "No". Thank God....I was not ready to lose her!!. He then followed his statement with "she has days to weeks". We took mom home that evening and spent the next 10 days showering her with all the love we were blessed enough to recieve from her. We watched her slowly decline until she slipped into a coma. At 5:52pm on October 20, 2008 at the young age of 52 our world came shattering down. Mom passed away, and myself (26), my brother (28) and my sister (23) were left wihout a mom, without our best friend, without our world. Although it feels like a lifetime ago, it has not even been 6 months. I feel like we are living a nightmare and that any moment we will wake up. How could this have happened. I hate when people say they understand, they don't!! I found this site and decided to share my story in the hopes that someone does understand. In the hopes that somone can help me breath again. Thank you for taking the time to read this. God Bless you all.

10

(10 replies, posted in Introductions!)

Hello,

This is my first time here. Around September 2008, my mother started complaining of pains in her stomach and was not able to eat anything. This was the first time I had really ever heard my mom complain about anything so I pushed her to go to her doctor. She went and the doctor believed she was having a gallbladder attack but sent her for an ultrasound to confirm her diagnosis. Unfortunately our healthcare system sucks and moms appointment was not for almost 3 months, however being a nurse I was able to get it pushed ahead to within a week. Following the ultrasound, mom was called by the doctor who wanted to discuss the results with her. This is where my heart break begins. Mom went to the appointment, alone!!. Why not, there was never any indication anything was seriously wrong. This was Sept 3., 2008. This was the day mom found out she had spots on her liver and was referred to a general surgeon. To make a long story short, after going in circles and being completely disrespected by doctors, we were informed that mom had stage 4 liver cancer (intra-hepatic cholangiocarcinoma). It was too advanced to do any form of treatment. Over the phone, I was informed that mom had weeks to months to live. We were not even given enough respect to be told face to face that our mother was going to die. Mom wanted to go home, and we were going to respect her wishes. We had months right? and miracles happen every day!! This is when the doctor decided to visit. When he walked out of the room, I said "do you really think she only has weeks to months", he said "No". Thank God....I was not ready to lose her!!. He then followed his statement with "she has days to weeks". We took mom home that evening and spent the next 10 days showering her with all the love we were blessed enough to recieve from her. We watched her slowly decline until she slipped into a coma. At 5:52pm on October 20, 2008 at the young age of 52 our world came shattering down. Mom passed away, and myself (26), my brother (28) and my sister (23) were left wihout a mom, without our best friend, without our world. Although it feels like a lifetime ago, it has not even been 6 months. I feel like we are living a nightmare and that any moment we will wake up. How could this have happened. I hate when people say they understand, they don't!! I found this site and decided to share my story in the hopes that someone does understand. In the hopes that somone can help me breath again. Thank you for taking the time to read this.