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(4 replies, posted in Grief Management)

I can't believe that in 3 days it will be a month since I last talked to my Mom.  I really miss her today.  I guess I had been so busy making her arrangements and beginning to close her life that I didn't have the time to miss her.  I want to laugh with her, cry with her or just sit in silence and watch TV.  I look around at the things in the house and realize that this is my house now, not hers and it makes me sad.  I question what I do right now and if the decisions I am making are for the best.  There is nothing like a mother's love to make you feel whole.  I have been so upset lately that I feel my heart rythm going off kilter(I had heart surgery 5 years ago to correct and irregular heartbeat).  It only seems to get bad when I'm really upset.  I had kind of wondered why it wasn't going off then all of a sudden, wham.  It seems as if the only people who know what I have gone through would be the people on this forum.  My Mom went from healthy to not feeling well to sick to dying all within a matter of months.  It hurts.  I just turned 30 a few days ago.  I shouldn't have a death certificate of my Mother I should have her.  I look at the other side of the coin.  I am so grateful I never had to put her in hospice nor do a death watch like most of the people here.  I was spared that much, but I was cheated in sooo many ways.  I was half expecting/half caught by surprise by her death.  It really has called into question my belief of an afterlife.  What if there is none?  What if this is all there is?  I just feel so tired and haven't been able to get a good night's sleep in some time.  I hear all the noises in the house and it will wake me up.  I don't feel like doing the basic things like cleaning and would just prefer to stay in bed.  I finally get up enough energy to start cleaning and then stop halfway through.  I have been on anti depressants for over a year now for a different reason.  I just don't know what to do. 
Thanks for listening
Amy

My Mom also had a blood clot.  She had been on blood thinners since last year for atrial fib.  They took her off of it when she had been diagnosed with CC in April.  During her last stay in the hospital, they found a blood clot in the pulmonary vein.  The official cause of death was cc but I still think that the blood clot had something to do with it because in the hospital, she had just finished using the restroom and the nurses were helping her back into bed and she had trouble catching her breath and slipped away.  It's very interesting to hear of other's experiences along the same line.
Amy

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(3 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Peanut,
I know some people say they know what you are going through.  Reading your post, it sounds like something I could have written.  I lost my Mom last Wed.  I lived with her.  My birthday is in a few weeks.  She passed in the hospital and there are times I just tell myself she is there so that I don't feel so alone.  The day before she died, I had the hospital call me to tell me she would be released soon and to make sure that the plan was for me to bring her home.  My brother is here with the kids and he leaves tomorrow.  There is no way anyone can replace our Mothers.  They gave us life, they nurtured us and most of all loved us with their whole heart.  They are never going to be away from us.  To get through this, I try to tell myself one "joy" of the day and enjoy it.  It's hard to think of the next day, hour, minute or second without them.  But they wouldn't want us to do that.  And you have to take a deep breath, tell your Mom you love her, because I know she can hear you, and continue being the daughter your Mom raised and was proud of.  I hope you have found some comfort from these words. 
Amy

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(11 replies, posted in In Remembrance)

Thank you everyone.  I think things are starting to hit me know.  The visitation is today.  I was on antibiotics before my Mom passed and now I am running a fever. I don't know how to get through today and then add in the fever.  My brother and his kids are staying with me in our house(I lived with my Mom) and my niece, I believe is coming down with chicken pox.  It just doesn't make anything easier.  And my birthday is in 2 1/2 weeks.  I turn 30 and I won't have my Mom and I miss her sooooo much.

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(11 replies, posted in In Remembrance)

I had not posted much but I used this site as a great reference point in trying to help plan my Mother's treatment.  Lukily, she did not have to indure this disease for a long time.  She was diagnosed April 29.  She passed away today at 12:25 Central.  I had spoken to her this morning about getting her stent replaced, as she was jaundiced again.  She was in the hospital because of an infection.  I wanted to call her this afternoon during my lunch break to see how she was doing.  The nurses answered the phone and said she was not responding and was having trouble breathing.  I knew then that she intented to go home to Heaven and would not let anyone stand in her way.  I have lost my mother, best friend and biggest supporter.  I am relieved that her suffering is over and I no longer need to worry about the day that they will tell me she will need to stop the chemo and go to hospice.  I am heartbroken because she is no longer in my life.  Most of all, I just want to talk to her so she can make all the tears go away.  I love you Mom.

Thought it was.  She was released from the hospital last night but now her fever is back up. sad

She, like so many others it seems, was diagonsed at Stage IV.  It was found in the liver and there are some spots in the lungs.  She is not a candidate for surgery.  I am hoping that she responds to the chemo because I want to keep her around for a very long time.  Thanks for the response everyone.  Before signing up I had been lurking and reading others experiences.

My Mom was diagnosed with this disease at the end of April, just a few days after her 69th birthday.  What a birthday gift.  She spent about 3 weeks in the hospital.  She had fluid buildup in the lungs after she had her 2nd ERCP.  They thought this was a gallstone/gallbladder problem at first.  The first ERCP was to remove a stone or so they thought.  The bile duct was so tight that they couldn't use their equipment.  They had to send her to another hospital where they had better equipment.  There, they were able to insert a stent.  She is back in the hospital with cellulitis/blood infection which is going away.  Today her doctor said that her liver enzymes were normal.  My question would be are normal liver enzymes a good sign?  I realize that normal is a good thing but am I getting my hopes up with this one result?