I agree with Kathy B-your co-worker is a self absorbed b*%#@.
Some people are just totally unaware of the world around them.


(5 replies, posted in In Remembrance)

We are quickly approaching the first anniversary of my beloved husband's release from this disease.   
It's hard to believe he has been gone for almost a year.  It still feels like he is here and coming home from one of his work sites any day now.
I'm just having terrible flashbacks of his last days. I cry myself to sleep and cry myself awake.  Can't seem to stop leaking tears.
I was hoping to find a significant way to mark the day. It's odd because I don't seem to have the emotional energy to "plan" something memorable. I really just want to stay in bed and pull the covers up over my head. Would that be selfish of me? I just want to hang out with my son and daughter and be left alone by the rest of the world.
You all are so insightful and have wonderful words of wisdom whenever I've asked for advice.   Is there anything that makes this dreaded day bearable?


(3 replies, posted in In Remembrance)

Thank you Lainy and Susan, words of great wisdom, even though Lainy you thought you didn't have any! I've read all you've written over the many months of Teddy's illness and drawn great comfort from your posts.
I answer OK to everyone also.
And Susan, I love your last words.
Peace to you both!


(3 replies, posted in In Remembrance)

Today is the first New Year's Day in 27 years without my beloved husband.
I am watching the Mummer's Parade and cleaning the kitchen, anything to keep moving. My husband was a South Philly guy and we loved watching the parade on tv.
It's still so unbelievable to me that I will live the rest of my life without him by my side. That my kids don't have their dad to turn to when they need him. 
I'm wondering if I will ever stop leaking tears.
I am moving closer each day to the first anniversary of his passing.
Only those of you who have walked this journey can understand this kind of pain.
I pray each day for healing for all who have been diagnosed and peace for all who have the role of caretaker.   
I want to say Happy New Year.
But I feel more like saying, "Dear Lord please help me and the kids get through this New Year without him".
Peace and Love to all.


(9 replies, posted in Grief Management)

I can hardly believe it has been six weeks since my husband died.  I am not sure I have begun to grieve.  Is that possible?  I have been going in so many different directions since the day after he passed, starting with his service and continuing with all the "official" work that needs to be done.  I am heartbroken, but so used to keeping everything together that I'm not sure I've given myself permission to feel the pain yet.  I AM sure I am running from it, scared to let it touch me.  I think I am still in shock. 
I watched him endure so much emotional and physical pain for almost two years and was so relieved for him when he stepped from this life into paradise.  But I can't comprehend that he is no longer here.  It sounds crazy, I saw him die in our home.  I watched him take his last breath. I felt the peace that passes understanding wrap around him and I and our two kids.  It doesn't make sense to me.
I have read many of your entries describing the grief you have experienced and your words have been so helpful. It means more coming from men and women who have experienced the pain first hand. I am signed up for grief counseling, as our my kids, starting next week. They also put me on the list for the next six week losing-your-spouse support group. I'll try anything.
But, I don't really feel like being with anyone other than my kids, who are 18 and 22.  I don't have the strength or the energy to answer, "How are you doing? How are the kids?".  I want to say, "My beloved husband is dead; their dad, who loved and protected them, is dead.  How the hell do you think I'm doing?".  But I just paste on that fake polite smile and say, "We're ok, doing the best we can, taking it one day at a time, etc. etc." Same things I used to say the whole time he fought this monster.
I am angry, sad, confused, tired, and behind in the thank you notes.   
Is this normal?

I lost my beloved husband of 24 years last Monday evening, February 15th, at 10:47 pm.  I am numb.  Our service was on Saturday and my son delivered the most moving eulogy.  He honored his father.  My daughter was by my side, where she has been throughout these 20 months.  She was my inspiration and her Dad's nightly protein shake maker. 
We are heartbroken.
Peace and Love to all.

Thank you all, so very much, for your words of encouragement and your prayers. I knew I would find support and true understanding here.  As you all have said, what we need now is strength, courage, and peace.  I feel the prayers coming our way!

This February, I am right where Carol was last February. I am watching my husband suffer, day by day, and struggle to hold on for his family.  I am scared, but trying to keep everything together for my family.
This feeling of helplessness is overwhelming.  I am just watching him fade away. We are on Day 59 of Hospice.  Carol's description of limbo is exactly where I live-between "normal world" and "cancer world".     
I have been told, too, how lucky we are to have extra time since his doctor was thinking, back in December, that he wouldn't make it to Christmas.  Lucky would not be the word I would use.  I don't want extra time, I want a lifetime.
People try, but no one really understands. There are no words to describe it exactly.  Only those who have walked this path can grasp the enormity of this cancer. 
We are having another snowstorm.  The good thing?  We are all home together, safe and warm. 
One day, one hour, one moment at a time.

Hi Marions,
I live about 20 minutes south of Philadelphia in New Jersey. Where can I find more information on the conference in October? My husband has CC, diagnosed in June, 2008. He is a patient at Fox Chase Cancer Center.
I would like to attend or help at the booth for the foundation.
I appreciate any information you can give me.