My husband was diagnoised July, 2009, he went to see Jesus Feb. 17, 2010. I know I had him longer than you, the sadness is overwhelming. Our doctor never even told us it was stage 4. He sent a different doctor to tell us he needed to move to hospice. I don't remember a lot about those days, we had stayed a month in the hospital, and 27 hours at hospice. I am still in therapy, I have clinical depression, I go once a week. I also go to hospice group, it's not even the same hospice, this is the one my Mom used 9 months later. They for the most understand, most have been thru it. I still cry every night, and on medication, that's just to get me through the day. My therapist yesterday did say, she could see some changes, that I'm thinking about me at least a little.
I always take one foot forward then two feet backwards. While I was eating lunch with a couple of co-workers today, one mentioned something about morphene. It hit like a flash of lightning, Wayne was allergic to morphene. Now I second guess myself if I had told them, I e-mailed his doctor's office to see if they can look back into his records and see if I did. I then called my therapist, I told her what had happened, she said I can't blame myself, she said Wayne didn't fill out his own paperwork? No, I said, he would only put on there what he thought the doctor wanted to here. He said it was not my fought if it had not gotten on there. I have always filled out his paperwork, for 25 years, since his first illness after we were married. I just feel so guilty, and can feel all those bad thoughts creeping into my brain. If I didn't tell them that could have been the reason he went down so fast. I feel like a failure again, it's seems I can't do anything right. In the last two years I feel like this person, who I don't recognize.
Today at work I got a e-mail, they are going to delete everything over 6 months old. I thought of all Wayne's e-mails, that he had sent me. I started reading them and copying. Then I started crying, and crying. I have read these many times before but I couldn't have his words destroyed, without getting a copy. Some were of complaining, some of love, and sometimes he would tease me when he had a doctor's appointment, who died and left you boss, I always told him, NO one died to leave me boss I was always the boss. I did notice this time around that after diagnosis, the e-mails became fewer, and fewer. Not long after Christmas of 2009, they had just about quit. He went to see Jesus 2-17-2010. This has been the longest two years, and it is the hardest thing I've ever done. Please excuse the writing, since he left it is hard for me to write a sentence without leaving out words, or using a totally wrong words that came from, I don't know where. I try to reread what I do write, so I can catch some of the many mistakes. Married 35 years plus 2.
Yes, I had a great group time last night, went home and cried. Today I get to work, my boss comes wants to take all the old computers out of my room. I made the foolish mistake of helping her, after I moved about five my back was hurting, I've had a bad back ever since I can remember, started probably went fell out of a tree at six. I was moving the hard drives, then she comes in later and tells me to get all of the old monitors out and clean them, I told her my back was hurting, it was like sooooooooooo. Then I have a chair in my room my son bought me a few years ago, I have a brace on it, and feels great on my back, she told me to take that one home, she has another chair for me, it is as old as she is, the seat wobbles, there is no support at all for your back. So, I e -mailed my doctor to see if she will give a excuse telling her that I have to have a chair with lumbar support. I have to go to the oncologist next Tuesday, he is on the 4th floor, and my other doctor is on the bottom floor, same building. It's like you try to take a step forward and people are waiting in the cornor to knock you down. These people have not lost anyone, not parents, spouse, or children. Walk through our shoes, they couldn't do it. See, now I'm aggievated and now my chest hurts, I need to go home and calm down. How old do I have to be to retire. It's bad that people like that makes you want to be older.
I made a big step today, I mailed my new beneificaries to my two life insurance policies, and for my retirement. I know about time.
This is Terry of misswayne, Friday was two years since Wayne went to be with the Lord. I took off work Friday, went got my prescriptions. I knew I had a bad, bad last weekend, then they stuck Valentine's Day in the middle, you can stay away from that mostly except at work at a elementary school. Friday I was on my own. I had to go downtown Baton Rouge, I stopped my daughters work for a few minutes. Then I decided, with much encouragement from my therapist to get a hobby. So, I stopped at Hobby Lobby, just looking, I haven't sewn much in the last few years, I couldn't believe how much everything has gone up(material). My chaplain from my hospice called to see if I was alright, it made me feel good. I told her I was looking for hobby like sewing something, last summer I made teddy bears, until I broke my thumb). She told me that she can find things for me, through her church or through hospice. It made me feel good that somebody needed my very few talents. After that I went got lunch, went to the cemetary with my baby. Yes, I still cry but I don't feel like my world is doomed, not this week anyway. Next week I might feel different. I go to group tomorrow that's usually always a plus. I nearly caught my house on fire yesterday. I had used the curling iron Monday, yesterday I was separating clothes for washing. When I took the sheets out of the basket, I saw a huge brown spot, I had no idea of what it was I tried scrubbing that only caused a hole. No still no clicked in the head, last night I know that I had gone there 50 times since Monday noon, I was sitting in my bedroom I looked over and saw the curling iron on the floor on. It had already turned brown a spot in the carpet 1 X 4. It was only through God's will, and I surely believe Wayne had something to do with it, or today I probably would be history. So, I believe as hard as it is Wayne wants me to live.
My Wayne left 2-17-10 two years ago last Friday. It is the hardest thing I've ever done. Week-end before last I had a bad breakdown, I tried to call some-one when they didn't answer, I didn't call anyone else, I started slitting my arms, then it felt like a relief. My therapist said if you wanted to hide it, you would wear long sleeves, that's it I didn't care if anyone saw it or not. Thursday night I went to hospice group, I told them about my breakdown they all prayed for me and gave me their phone numbers. Well Friday was two years, I took off work. I went to get my medications, stopped by my daughters, went to look for a hobby, I was told I need one. The chaplain of my hospice group called me just to see how my day was going. I told her I was looking something to do for a hobby, she said her church has some mission projects if I would be interested, especially when she found that I sew. I then stopped by Raising Cane's chicken got supper and decide to go see Wayne, I got my chair out my food. I sat there for probably two hours. Saturday and Sunday I stayed home. Monday my daughter came over we went to a wake, first time I've been in a funeral home since my mom went to see Jesus. I surprisingly did well. When I spoke to my friend she hugged me and said you are the only one that understands. I go to therapy now once ever two weeks, I go to group every Thursday.
With Wayne it wasn't until one week before he went to see Jesus, that the doctor told me it was stage 4 when it was found. I'm like you some of those dirty words need to be taken out of the English language. I don't know about you, I've been told by a few people that they don't me talk about Wayne all the time. He was my life, I had been caregiver 26 years of the 35+2 we are married. I still count the years. When we found out about the cancer Wayne asked me what are we going to do, I told him we were going to fight this like we fought everything else, the difference I loss this fight. I avoid ugly words.
Thanks all, I live in Denham Springs, right outside of Baton Rouge, LA. Today is Thursday, I cried last night it wasn't as bad as Saturday. My daughter was going to take off tomorrow to be with me, but last night she told me she couldn't, so I'll have to do this all alone. Her and I both will be off Monday and Tuesday for Mardi Gras. I know Tuesday she is going to parades. Been to one local parade Saturday, it was a home town family parade, there is no way I would go to the other kind. I'm planning on going to get my medicine in the morning, stop by her work at LSU, I guess I'll go out to eat with me, might take it to the cemetary and have a picnic, that is if it's not rainning. I will be there at his grave at 4:27 pm. My group is having a Valentine group thing tonight, I had decided not to go, but after I spoke to my therapist I decided to go. I try to think about all the good things, but right now all these pictures keep poping in my head of those last few days. Today was the day they told me we needed to go to hospice, OK I was in such denial. I don't want to forget those pictures in my mind, but I would like to have the good one's to take over.
I have a hot line, but it would take so long to tell the story. I do go to my regular therapist today after work. My most severe depression, anxiety, and grief comes in the late afternoons. Usually while at work I don't have time to think. I do have his picture beside my computer.
I miss my Wayne so bad, this week I know is going to be the worse in the year. Valentine's Day, then Friday 2 years. Saturday was a really hard night I was by myself like always. The crying started, the screaming started, and then I found one of his toys, in the top computer drawer. I've looked in that drawer a million times, never paid attention, to these small knives looking things, in a little thing that goes around your wrist. I felt them they really feel sharp, so I went down my arm then the other, I felt better soon I stopped crying. I tried to call my chaplain from my hospice group before I started no answer. No one but her and my therapist would understand, the hurt I've been going through.
Lainy, my Wayne had those beautiful also, my daughter has those same blue eyes. I sitting at work with a picture of my Wayne, on my desk from my daughters wedding. He missed high school graduation, due to heart surgery, he was in her wedding, and we attended her college graduation together. Memories, they are ours forever.
You would not believe, or I think y'all maybe the only ones that would believe. Thursday night I went to bed as usual, medication for sleep and all. Well at 3:00 I woke up suddenly to Wayne's voice, he only said one word "Terry", it was so real, and I am positive it was his voice. So I go to work later that morning, I am so excited that I heard his voice. I met up with all the unbelievers, of course like I said most of them have not had a major loss. One told me I hope you didn't answer because gives you bad luck, I lost my husband, and bestfriend, and you go home to yours, and I'll have bad luck.
When I got home next door neighbor, I don't know that well, asked how my day was, I said OK. He has been going to Bible study, so I told him of my exciting news, this man started to get into my space, I backed up, he came forward, I had my arms crossed, I backed up again, he said he wanted to touch, then he wanted me to look in his eyes, I told him that I was uncomfortable with this I left. I wondering if Wayne had come to warn me against this pervert. I haven't had this problem since I was in high school. The next day I was going to go to my car, I saw him outside in the front yard, I shut and locked the door. I've had a wall up around me for a long time, the first time I talked to a person I don't really know this happens. Well I have my wall up, tightened, and nailed shut. He gave me the creeps.
That's terrific, my daughter wants one so bad, she has gone to a few doctors. No baby yet. I journal everyday, yesterday I wrote that everyone needs to tell their family I love you, at least everyday. I can tell Wayne I love you but it's not the same, as being able to look into his blue eyes, and give a hug and a kiss with it.
I haven't been here in a while. I'm still on my med.'s, as long as I am I feel ok. Christmas was hard, and the New Years wasn't as bad. I was with my daughter for Christmas. When I went to my therapist yesterday, I told her that I've still have my tree up. She asked why? I said I guess it's like a semi memorial for Wayne. I have a lot of ornaments of him on the tree. Around it I have pictures of us, pictures of him, and a picture of us and my daughter at her college graduation. There's also flowers, poems in frames, and candles.
I guess it makes me feel close to him, is the reason. In 2 weeks it will be 2 years, the longest two years of my life. I wish it had been me instead of him, then he would have to pick up the millions of pieces, called a life. I'm not happy I don't know if I will ever be. I went to the oncologist Friday to have blood work, a friend of mine was on the other side of the hospital on the in patient oncology unit, I could not go see her. It is hard enough to go into the oncology doctor's office, different doctor, but to go on that floor where we spent four weeks, is impossible for me. She also has the same doctor that Wayne had. I already told my boss that I am taking off on the 17th, she said maybe I need to come to work to get my mind off of what day it is. Of course, this is a person that has both parents, husband, and children. I wish to be so lucky. My last thing hug your love one's, and tell them you love them daily, we know what it's like to go through God to be able to do so.
I was thinking about white, but I think it would look nice on a light green. The one I bought from the foundation is light green.
I didn't want to use the full logo. Cholangiocarcinoma awareness is what I wanted instead of the disease that is now written in the ribbon.
I need a new t-shirt. I wanted one that said "My Husband was so Brave God made him a Angel" with a green symbol. I found one but it was the wrong disease. I have one of the green cc foundation shirt, I just wish there was a variety. When he first went to Jesus, I bought a purple, but it is only for pancreatic cancer. I was wearing this shirt when I went to eat at Cracker Barrell, the waitress just saw it while I was sitting down, she had me stand up so she could read it. She took a coin out of her pocket and gave it to me, on one side was Jesus, and the other was the Lord's supper. I keep it with me always. Please someone check on a shirt for me, and let me know.
I don't know if I mentioned it, I have this thing about talking on the telephone, really not talking on the phone. My therapist talked me into calling to pay my house note. She advised me to call Wayne's sister, the biggest mistake of my life. She told me anything to be spiteful and hateful. I told her she was lucky I allowed her to go to the hospital, hospice, and the funeral. She said she was his sister that I couldn't stop her. Then I explained the law to her, when you get married your spouse becomes your next of kin, then parents, then children, I told her she was down the line. I knew it was a mistake to call, I found out the one I wouldn't allow to to go to these places is moving 4 miles from me. I know we will run into Wal-Mart, the last time we saw her, I told him she was sitting across in a restraunt, he refused to look around to see her. Four year prior was the last time they saw each other, she told her that she loved him. (Yeah right!)
I almost forgot, I was getting ready to call one of the people on my call list when guess who called, my daughter Heather.
I have a son who lives out of town, and he has two daughters. My daughter lives nearly 50 miles away, I call it the other country. I live 25 miles east of the Mississippi River and she lives 25 miles west of the Mississippi, but she works on this side, in LSU. I still have most of Wayne's things where he left them, we didn't know that when he went to the hospital, he would never come home. We have two sheds with all different toys of his, probably sooner or later most will go to my daughter and her husband, a lot have never been used. Some I'll keep I can use a electric saw if I need to, and a drill. I have a couple of kits in the utility room. Thanks for caring.
I had therapy after work yesterday, she waited until it was time for me to leave that she told me that my friend who is paying for it stops at the end of the year. She asked how I felt, I know I got very quiet, I felt my blood pressure raise, and my depression drop lower. I got home went to bed, I heard my dog barking over and over, I looked out it was my daughter. I told her that it seems she shows up when I'm down. My daughter told me she would pay for my therapy, not to worry. I did another first, my daughter the other day was talking about going to buy a air compressor. I bit my upper lip, and said we have one in the shed, which belonged to her dad. That's the reason she came over, but that was the first one of Wayne's toys to leave my house. I was sad that Wayne would not ever use it again, but it is in a good home, I know Wayne would be OK with that. That didn't stop the tears then and now but it is still in the family. I told her also that I have some attachments somewhere still in the boxes never used.
Thank you, for your notes, its been a rough time. Once I got my med.s by Tuesday I was feeling better. Still sad, still cry, but right now I'm holding my own. I do have people on my contract to call if it gets that bad, that time my daughter called me. Other times I have called my therapist. The lady that told me to drop my insurance so I could get it from the mental health place, do taked into the fact that I'm diabetic, high blood pressure, thyroid med.s, potassium, iron from my oncologist, and medicine for my inherited tremmors. After I broke my thumb last week I also found out that I inherited all my mothers arthritis. I get very discourage but I'm trying. By the way today at work was pink day, for breast cancer. I'm wearing my green cc foundation t-shirt with a green ribbon, under it I did put a pink one. Cc is not fare to the patient, or to the familes. Thanks
Thanks for responding, one responce to a person that has lost husband and mother in 9 months. I'm in clinical depression, suicidal, and write to one of the places that most of the time someone has been through it before, an d has something to say. I'm guessing if someone on this log that has been through it before, they're not around anymore to answer. NO ONE CARES CC is the most devasting disease, it not only kills the patient, but also his family.
My Wayne left me to go see Jesus 20 months today. It has been a rough time emotionally, as wells as financially. I go to therapy once a week, and to hospice group once a week. Very few talk about the financial part, my husband had been disabled since 1988. No life insurance, I did have cancer, and medical through my work. I still have the same on me, but even with this I can't afford the co-pay on my prescriptions. The last 3 months I have been able to get St Vincent de Paul to cover them. I was off Friday and been without medicine for two weeks the first I saw went I went was a man I had not seen there before. First he told me I had presc. coverage, I told him yes, but my deductible is high I can pay it. After him using a curse words, he went and got someone else. This is the lady I have spoke to every time I've been there, I told her of his language it didn't bother her. She actually came out and told me to drop my insurance, go to a mental health clinic, and they would give my medicine for free. By then I was crying, I even tried to get her to call my therapist or hospice lady, no. I finally got out my no suicide contract I have with the therapist, she just about through it to the side. She left out, I picked up all my papers put they in my bag starting to walk out, she stopped me and told me she would do it this time. While waiting I started writing in my journal die, die, die, over and over again. When I finally got to my car, I was crying and started screaming, I was so mad and hurt. To my fortune my daughter got off early and met me about 30 minutes later, if not ????????????????
Re: My darling, Anthony, it's been three years since you left me....... (8 replies, posted in In Remembrance)
I read your story of the three year mark, mine is at 19 months, this has been the hardest months of my life. Please pardon the mistakes, I still have trouble writing a legible sentence, much less now I have a broken thumb. I still go to individual therapy once a week, and group hospice once a week, but I still feel so sad nearly all the time. The hospice group I go to is the one that took care of my Mom, the one for Wayne we only had them 27 hours. It has been 10 months since I lost my Mom. The last few weeks seem like they have been worse. A month ago was my birthday, and two weeks ago was our 37th anniversary. If some one would have told me years ago to get prepared to one day to be alone I would have thought they were crazy. Between the mental thing, depression, and the finiancial thing, I'm surprise any of us survive. How do you prepare for the darkest side of your life?, you don't. I go to therapy, I feel better usually for one day then the depression takes hold again. I am on prescriptions for depression, but I can't afford them so I have to go wait in line, to hopefully get approved to get them, right now I am on 14 different medications, and I have been out for a week. I am off work tomorrow, so I'll try to get approved again, they don't like it because I have insurance, but the deductible is 300.00 a month. Like I said get prepared, I would have never thought. Like my therapist said these medications are life or death medicines. Some days I feel like when I get home from work he will be there, he was home disabled since 1988, then other times I feel I wouldn't remember things without a picture and writing everything down. Sometimes I try to write and I can't even remember the word that I want to use, most people do not understand. I believe the harder you love, the harder it hurts.
Friday afternoon I had afternoon duty at school, I slambed a car door on my thumb, she stopped to find out what had happened. I figure that she made me feel uncomfortable when she went to remission, and my Wayne went to see Jesus. Now I make her feel uncomfortable because he did go up to see Jesus and she is no longer in remission. It hurts both ways.