I feel like in a crossroad at the moment..... If anyone has any thougths I would appreciate it.
This past tuesday I was supposed to have my 38th round of iv chemo, and my 7th GemCis since the 6 month break I had Jan-June.
I had to start chemo again since my silent tumors had started growing again after a chemoembolization that didn't do any good.
When I took this break (after 18 months on chemo) it was after listening to my very strong inner voice telling me I needed it. I was doing good really, but having this feeling it was harming me.
Looking back this was a good decision, but having the embo wasn't.
So now after 6 rounds of chemo I just couldn't take another one... My white bloodcount hasn't recovered well lately, I suppose my bonemarrow is getting tired. This is the only objective sign. The rest is a feeling.
I couldn't sleep two nights before going to the hospital for the chemo, didn't now why. Then the day before I was just crying the whole day, and it came to my mind that I didn't want the chemo. I just felt NOOOOO.
I went there anyway, and my WBC was exactly enough for chemo. But when the nurse was about to connect it, I just couldn't do it. Started to cry just by seeing it. And I'm NOT someone crying a lot.
So I went home. Feeling better and better these last days, happy again, singing.
Now on Monday it's time for MRI, and then doctor's appointment.
But, they always leave it so much up to me to decide. Because they don't have any good ideas at this point. This is Sweden, so there's no insurence-problem whith treatments.
I just don't now what to do. There are no other hospitals or doctors I can go to, this country is very small, we only hace 300 cases of CC/year.
I know I now have to wait for results and to speak to the doctor, but it is so hard to know what to do at this point. I know you can't go on with chemo forever, then chemo will kill you in the end, at least GemCis.
Thanks for listening!