1

(4 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Dear Amy,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my John Nov.23 of 08.

I won't go into my loss, this is for you.

I suggest you get a cat. I have found a great deal of peace since I got a cat. I know it sounds strange but my cat is there when I need to be loved, he's there when I'm alone and am crying.
It will never replace your loved one but it will help you heal.

Good luck,
Charlene

2

(10 replies, posted in Grief Management)

I've been taking Paxil since John got sick and am just tired of taking it so am trying to get off it.

I was told by my Dr. there were no addiction problems or withdrawals. They LIED!

I have been having the worse dreams about John and they are tearing me down. I wake up crying every morning because in my dreams it was all a mistake and he is really alive. They are so vivid that when I wake it's a shock to realize I was only dreaming.

I don't want to keep taking these pills and there is no info on how long this will take so I need your loving thoughts and words of wisdom to get through this. I love you all

Charlene

ps: There are no pills to make this easier so I just have to get through it

God Bless you and your family. One more angel to watch over the rest of us.

I pray God gives you peace and healing in the days to come.

Charlene

Heather,

My utmost sympathy to you! We here on this board can safely say we know what you are going through. It is so hard some days...but it will slowly get tolerable....then you'll have days where it's ok. I still have long crying days and moments of just utter, utter misery, but it does start to ease. My John passed Nov. 23rd 2008.
Our wedding anniversary was May 2nd. That was a horrible day for me.

We never stop loving or missing the ones we lose but thank God He has made it possible for us to go on.

I wish  I could fold you in my arms and help you with the pain. Just know we are here for you whenever you need us.

Peace and healing to you,
Charlene

Thank you I will. I'm not so sure about my cat though....lol I know he didn't like driving to the vet. I feel so positive now. I will never forget the dream from my John. It was so happy and joyful. John just looked so beautiful. I miss him so very much.
You all are my extended family and I appreciate each and everyone of you.

I will write as soon as I get settled in S.F.

Hugs and kisses to all,
Charlene

Thank you each and every one for your support. I want you to know that John came to me in a dream last night and he was absolutely beautiful and full of life. I believe he's very happy I'm going back to San Francisco. He told me he loves me and is waiting for me. We were walking on the Golden Gate bridge and just looking at the bay. I got to hug him again and it felt sooooo good to be in his arms again.

It was so so wonderful to see him again. Every dream I have had about him so far has been sad and very stressful.

I'm leaving Thurs or Fri this week. My cat and I are going to drive home and see the country.
I will post again soon.

I love you all so much. You've kept me from going over the edge many times.

God Bless and keep you all,
Charlene

Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding. I feel so loved here!
I don't know how or who to contact for death benefits but John hadn't worked for many years due to an on the job injury THEN got cc.

My Mother In-Law has just had a stroke and has asked me to come back and live with her and care for her. We are like Mother Daughter. She has always been there for us so have decided to go home.

I am selling our home and will use some of the funds to get out of debt and put the rest into savings until she passes and I have to start over.

I want you all to know how much you mean to me and all the help you have given is amazing. I will keep in touch.

Cyndi, I know how hard it is right now. I too had thoughts of suicide but the wonderful people here brought me out of it.
I wish it was different for us all and I wish I could take all the pain away but it is a part of us now. I send you love and hugs from one lost soul to another. We will get through this as long as there are people like the ones on this forum.

I love you all.
Charlene

My John has been gone since Nov. and I'm still a mess. I've gone back to work but am not making it financially. I've sold just about everything and finally had to sell my wedding rings a couple of days ago.
That night I had a dream that John was in my arms dieing all over again. It has wiped me out.

I don't know have any support from anyone anymore. Everyone I know seems to think I've grieved long enough.  It's ( I think ) because John was a step father that my grown children are tired  of me being depressed and yes, even angry because he's gone.  My youngest had the incredible insensitivity to tell me I was going to be an "Old bitter woman" if I don't stop this, that I sound like a victim and I need to take control.
I don't know how.

I tried grief counseling but it wasn't like I thought it would be. We sat around and watched a video with people talking of the deaths in their families and how God has brought them through it. They were like robots, no real emotion.

I don't know what to do or where to turn except here. I'm hurting and need your help. I need someone who cares how I'm feeling, who knows how it feels to lose your spouse.
I've cut myself off from my family to a certain degree just because of their attitude. I feel so alone.
Charlene

9

(2 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Hi everyone,
It's been a while since I've written. I just couldn't get the strength to write anything.

It was exactly 4 months and two days before I got Johns ashes back. If you remember he donated his body to science to try and help find a cure for this horrible cancer.

It was so hard when he came home! I slept with the unopened box for three days before I could even try and open the box. I cried for days but at the same time I was so happy he was home again.

I love him just as much as if he were still alive and miss him terribly. I have a strange sense of peace having him back though. I don't feel so alone anymore.

I hope everyone is holding on and doing as well as they can. I think of you often.
Love to you all,
Charlene

10

(22 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Rose,
My John was like your man, refusing to give up. Just hang in there with him. I always agreed with John even when I knew in my heart he was going to die.
You must know though that he will die from this unless there is a miracle cure.
CCA is a death sentence every time. Some fight it longer than others but eventually it will take him.

I know that sounds harsh but I'm telling you this to help you for the time he tells you, as my Husband did, he just can't take anymore. My husband fought for 3 years and when he finally couldn't take the pain from the chemo anymore, he was gone in about 3 months.

We are here for you 24/7. Your job of helping him as he dies is the hardest thing you will ever do. Make sure you tell him everything in your heart while there is time, hold him as much as possible and make sure he knows how much you love him.

Blessings and strenght to you,
Charlene

11

(22 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Heather,
Don't worry about what you say here. We are all in the same boat. I lost my husband John Nov.23 and know what you are going through.

You are reeling as am I. You might have one moment a day for a while that is not rooted in despair, agony and being alone but it SLOWLY gets easier to bear.

I finally had to join a grief counseling group. The grief comes over me in waves of desperate anger, fear, wanting John back and not having the strength to hold it in another second. It was for me the best thing I have done since John died.
The group gives you the freedom to speak about what your friends and family really can't understand.
You can cry, scream and fall apart and have people there who will not judge you and will help you through the hard times. They give you phone numbers of the counselors so that when you are alone in the middle of the night and are just falling apart they are there for you.
They are usually free to anyone and if you are a church person they almost always have grief counseling.

I send my best wishes to you. I hope I have helped even a tiny bit. We need to stick together during our losses or we sometimes get so lost in the misery it is hard to find a way back.

With all my love and respect,
Charlene

12

(5 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Thank you all so much for your caring and compassion. I have got a new job in my vet clinic. Now I just deal with the animals which I love, it's very calming.
You know it is so very hard to be focused and attentive to people when you can think of nothing else but missing your husband. At least at the clinic I don't have to chat intelligently with the animals.

I have joined a grief group, I go tonight at 6pm. 

My daughter came to live with me with her 3 children, 13, 3 and 1. She was Johns step daughter and she wasn't affected at all when he died, so she has no compassion when it comes to me grieving.

Her husband is gone until August and I thought it would be a good thing to have them live with me until he returns, but it is a nightmare. The 13 year old girl is going thru the horrid teen time and it just makes things around here very tense.

Well at least I'll be out of the house for 40 hours every week and won't have to deal with the drama.

Thank you ladies again and I will keep in touch,
Charlene

13

(5 replies, posted in Grief Management)

John died on Nov. 23 and I'm still unable to sleep the night through. When I sleep I have nightmares all night. They all involve me needing John and calling for him and he's not there. I have meds to take but they don't help.

I miss him so much. I've tried to go back to work but I've quit two jobs already.
I'm so lonely and tired I just don't want to do anything.

How do you go back to a normal life when the man you lived for is gone? I have no energy or desire to even get out of bed. I don't want to be around anyone right now, even family, but my savings are going and I really don't know how to get  myself started again.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance,
Charlene

14

(2 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Thank you so much for the poem. It has eased my heart and lightened my sorrow.
I know John is with me every day and every night before bed I tell him how much I love and miss him. I will survive this and I know some day i will be with him again.
God bless you,
Charlene

Thank you all for listening. I am joining a support group tomorrow at a church, thanks Jeff.

Jeff, you are the strongest man I know. I wish you and John could have talked.  To do what you do daily is amazing. There is a special place for people like you in heaven.

Joyce and Darla, I so want to thank you and also tell you how very sorry I am for the loss of your husbands. It's so very strange to say the word "widow". I was thinking about it the other day, I am 53 and a widow.
I'm so confused in my head as to what to do on a daily basis. I'm trying to get a job, I know I have to work but I just don't want to. I'm afraid of having to deal with people again in my state of mind. I only have two more weeks of disability, I'm so afraid!

Well I could go on all day so I won't. God bless you all and thank you again.
Charlene

I am just so sad and depressed. No one will talk with me about my John. It's like,"Out of sight Out of mind."
Everytime I bring him up they all change the subject. I don't understand it!

I miss him!!! I still love him!!! I want to talk about him!!!

To me he is here, I feel him around me, I want to be able to cry if I want and have someone hold me and help me feel better, tell me I'm going to be ok, ANYTHING! I'ts like he disappeared or never existed.

Why won't they talk about John? I sit in my room most of the day because I can't sit and chit chat about trivial things. My entire life has changed, the dreams I had with John are gone.
The world is totally different now. I watch tv and they all talk about being skinny or this designer or how to get rid of wrinkles! I can't stand it anymore. The world is more than that, it's love and kindness and caring, how can they not see that?

OMG I just want my love back! I want to see him and feel him and tell him how much I love him.  I don't want to be alone anymore.
Charlene

Tonia,
I know how you're feeling. Thank God my John gave everything he wanted others to have Before he got really sick.
I could NOT have dealt with all the vultures at his death.

When my Mom passed we had a few come out of the closet. I am sorry for your loss and I just want you to be stong and Not let people put everything on you.

Good luck to you and God Bless You,
Charlene

18

(13 replies, posted in Grief Management)

All I can say is "Thank you all from the bottom of my heart". I am starting grief counseling tomorrow. The wonderful hospice who cared for John provides free counseling and anything else you might need for 3 months.

My regret is I left to go to Arizona a few days after John passed, I thought being with my family would help..it didn't. My wonderful sister in-law called me and said she understood why I went BUT I couldn't run from my grief.
She is so smart, that's exactly what I was trying to do.

I'm home now and waiting for John's ashes to come home from the Science  hospital where he donated his body. As soon as they come I will have him back and I will feel better I think.

Thank you again and I pray for your healing as well as mine.
My love to you all,
Charlene

19

(13 replies, posted in Grief Management)

It is so hard not having him here. I'll think of something and say" I need to call John and tell him" and then realise he's gone.
I miss him so much. i miss his touch, the way we used to finish each others sentences, the way we would be thinking the same thing at the same time and laugh and say" Great minds think alike"

I'm so exhausted all the time missing him. I get so mad that he left me alone even though it wasn't his fault. As soon as he passed away things started going wrong with our house.
John always did the repairs, I have no clue how to fix things. He should still be here happy and healthy with me.

We need to grow old together. I'm in such pain all the time. I talk to John before I go to sleep and then cry. I can't really explain correctly. I just am so full of pain and so empty at the same time. Where my heart was is an empty hole now.

I appreciate each one of you who are trying to help me. I get more compassion from everyone here than from my family. They think I should be getting over his death by now. It's like the world has gone crazy and I'm the only sane one left.

Thank you all,
Charlene

20

(19 replies, posted in General Discussion)

Thank you all for everything, John passed away 2 weeks ago. He is finally out of pain.

I miss him terribly.

To each one of the people on this site I send my love and hopes of a cure soon so that no one else must go through this horror.

God Bless and keep each and everyone of you.

I love you all,
Charlene

21

(5 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Today my daughter wanted me to go to see a tree lighting ceremony.
I said no that I didn't want to.
She said it was a special family time and why didn't I want to.

John was her step dad, he hasn't been dead for even two weeks but they, (all my family) expect me to be normal. They don't understand why I don't want Xmas lights and all the crap that goes along with this season.

I just broke down and said "I have just lost my husband and can't do it",then started crying.

I am grieving my love, can not they see that and understand? Why do I have to spell it out for them? They're adults and I have been with John for twelve years!

I just can't do these things right now. John used to do all the decorating at Christmas, he would make our home beautiful for us. We would be outside together stringing lights and silly trains and all the do-dads.

I don't want xmas, I want my John heathy and alive. I don't want to pretend to be having a good time when all I can do is keep myself from crying.
I've done everything they've wanted from me so far, trying to be strong for the grand children but I CAN NOT do it anymore.

I'm a mess. I'm in torment and am so sad and lonely for John sometimes it is an actual pain. I came to Arizona thinking it would be good for me to be away from our home and with family but I think I was wrong. I need to go home. I leave the 14th and really can't wait.

I need more time.

Charlene

22

(9 replies, posted in In Remembrance)

Chris,
I know nothing can really help the pain right now but I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband John on Nov.23.

It is the hardest thing in the world to lose your spouce. Please come here for support. Without all of these wonderful people who KNOW our pain, it would be even harder to survive the loss

All my love to you and your daughter at this time and yes I do believe our loved ones are in Heaven.

Gods Blessings on all of us,
Charlene

23

(16 replies, posted in In Remembrance)

Thank you for all the support.
I really had no idea it would be this incredibly hard to have him die, I thought I was prepared but when it came to the actual moment of him leaving I was hysterical.

It's been a week and two days and it seems like an eternity. I'm taking it one day and sometimes one minute at a time.

I miss him with every ounce of my being, I think of every cross word I used with him, every time I was tired and snapped at him and am ashamed.
John should never have had to endure that at all, but he still loved me no matter what.

I have to learn to live with that but he was and always will be my husband who I loved more than anything.

Thank you all again,
Charlene

24

(11 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Dearest Iris,

I lost my husband 1 week and 2 days ago, I know what you are going through.

Please just kiss him and hold him and tell him how much you love him. Let him go surrounded by your complete love.

I was with John every second as he was dying and telling him continually how much I loved him, telling him to let go and let the angels take him home.

I am grieving but I know John left this world knowing without a doubt in his mind how much I loved him.

I lost my mate but I know I have not lost his love. I can feel him with me when I am hurting so bad I want to scream.

We are all in the same boat here and it's true when we say we love each other. We are here for you.

Charlene

25

(13 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Today, one week ago at 1:15 I lost my beloved John. It seems like an eternity since that day with nothing in it but a horrible emptiness in my entire body. It's as though I don't exist now.

I miss him so much. I sit and stare at the walls with nothing in my mind but pain and sadness. I can't handle loud noises at all. Every one keeps telling me to be strong and hang in there...Why? I was strong for over 3 years trying to keep him alive. I'm tired of being strong

It seems as though I'm in this limbo space.  My step son came to be with me but it isn't helping at all. All I do is cry and hurt.

My daughter flew me to Arizona to be with my kids and grand children but it's exactly the same. I am empty. There is a hole where my feelings used to be and I'm just lost and confused.
On the plane flight I was thinking it would be so alright if the plane went down but i remembered there were children on the plane and just had a huge rush of guilt, knowing how selfish I was being.

Everyday is endless, a sea of wanting my husband back.  I am weak with
anxiety and depression. I am totally amazed at the amount of suffering you can take before you just give up and lose your mind. I so want to lose my mind and go to that place where no one can hurt you any more

Charlene