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(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Thank you again Lainy.  Actually, Sophie is in no pain what-so-ever, otherwise, I would never let her suffer.  In fact, she's responding well to the Chemo & Prednisone.  A cat's age is different from a dog's age too, I'm sure you're aware of it.  Sasha is also not suffering because he's responding well to all his medications and even plays.  Very smart cat too.  They're both Siamese Appplehead (not pointed) cats.  Sasha is white with a gray face and has gorgeous blue eyes, but not as blue as when he was younger, and Sophie is a Seal Point color with beautiful blue eyes too.  If they're comfortable, then I'm comfortable. 
I'm glad if I can help someone else on this site by expressing my pain and accomplishments if any, but it's in my blood to be open and honest about what's going on in my life and my reactions.  Thank you for the compliment and giving me some hope.
I miss my Mama and do listen to her recordings while she was hospitalized, once in a while as it's painful but at the same time great to hear her beautiful voice.  But I have one video of her when she was healthy in her kitchen in Paris while she was cooking (she was the best cook in the world) and we were both going to fly together to Kansas.  It was taken in 2006 which was the beginning of this disease but only noticeable because her stomach was a little big.  She was looking forward to the trip, until she got here.  Big difference between Paris and Kansas.  But that wasn't just it...it was my partner's jealousy of my mother's relationship between us which was so strong, and as a result it seemed like my partner put a wedge between my Mama and I.  So, I didn't spend as much time as I should have and I will regret that for the REST OF MY LIFE. 
It happened both times she came here.  I just wish I could make it up to her and want to see and be with her.  I know that I will see her again.  I speak to her sometimes in my mind sometimes  out loud.  She was just so special, and I could see her love for me in her gorgeous green eyes and how much she cared for me.  She was so kind and generous to me, but my Aunt and her two evil adult children took advantage of her and just flew to Paris uninvited, and took up her studio for three months at a time.  They were and still are, swimming in money and could have checked into a hotel which was literally smack next door, but no, they had to be free-loaders and they still are but with other people.  My mother didn't want to say anything but after a month she would tell me that it was getting too much but didn't have the courage to say something.  The cousins are so evil, that they didn't even ask me what I wanted to do with my mother's body after she passed away and just arranged to have her buried and made me pay 10K when I inherited a little money.  My mother gave her 7K wedding ring to my cousin to cover the cost of her hospitalization plus they stole about 30-40,000 Euros.  And now I can never visit her grave because she' sin Tehran, nor bring her remains back.  How insensitive and evil of my cousins.  My mother was a dual citizen and the State Department was unable to assist me because of their laws.  My mother was Christian!  I should stop as it's going to make me cry. 
Thank you again Lainy for your support and I appreciate your understanding so much.  It means a lot to me and gives me some hope.  Yes, I should also say, "Thank you Mama for loving and caring for me all my life."
Thank you for sending me the list and I hope we keep in touch.  I'm not really good at writing, but I will try my best to keep you updated.  Due to my complicated grief, my memory is not good at all, so I become forgetful.  If I repeat myself, it's because I forgot that I already told you.
Bless your heart----Desiree

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(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Thank you Lainy for your quick response and your feedback.  It's so nice to talk to someone who understand you.  I had a terrible PTSD episode yesterday and I though I was going to go crazy.  Today, I'm feeling a little better but I had to reschedule my doctor's appointment  today as I didn't have my blood work done .  I dislike fasting but have to have it done.  So I promised myself that I would do it tomorrow and rescheduled to see my Primacy Care Physician on Saturday morning.  I have a depression known as " complicated grief" which only Columbia Univeristy in NYC have sessions for that condition.  It's a 14 session class over a 4 month period but I can't afford to stay in NYC for 4 months.  Therapists have to go there to take a class and get certified to treat patients with that condition.  The closet one to me is in St Joseph, Missouri, but I can't get there once a week.  There's no one in the entire state of Kansas that is certified for this therapy. 
I would very much appreciate if you could send me a copy of the signs that loved ones are around.  I think you have my email address but if not, it's orlysud@aol.com.  My memory is not good at all and having to give medication to two sick 13 year old kitties every morning and evening which has been hard on me.  One kitty, Sasha is diabetic and I have to give one unit of Insulin twice a day, kidney disease, high blood pressure and a heart murmur.  Plus, he has a number of medications that I have to give him on a daily basis - He's my Angel and it breaks my heart that he's sick.  His sister, Sophie was diagnosed last November 2015, with the most treatable cancer in cats, small cell lymphoma, in her stomach, colon and small intestines, so she has chemo every two weeks at the vet & I give her daily meds as well.  They give her a maximum of up to two years.  They're like my babies. I have has nothing but bad luck.    My mom's art hasn't sold at the gallery, then they took them down for another showing by students who just graduated from one of our universities, but they'll go back up in March.  I'm going to have my friend the professional photographer go to the gallery and take pictures of them as well.  She'll edit the pictures (about 120 paintings) and put them on my computer so that I can email them to various museums and galleries on the west and east coasts.  Then I'm praying that I will be able to sell them. It really bothers me that my dear mother's paintings are all in the basement and not on someone's wall.  I'm going to do everything in my power to sell them.  My cousins stole all of my mother's CD's and left behind her cassettes that I have no means of listening to.  They just left one CD which was by Frank Sinatra.  Isn't that just so cruel?   They are greedy liars who are so rich and could have bought a copy themselves. But since they're so tight with their money, they rather steal them instead of allowing the daughter to have them.  When I needed financial help, they said they didn't have money.  I didn't get that much from selling my mother's studio as the French Notaires charged me for so many various things and 33.33% inheritance tax for foreigners.  Then I treated myself by going to San Francisco and loved it even though I was in such pain as my mother and I went together the last time, many many years ago.  My partner that I live with has been through so many losses so I'm expected to get over my loss and not talk about it.  But I don't really have a family, just my 88 year old Aunt.  Although my partner does a lot for me and takes care of me, I've become super sensitive and we are opposites, so I get yelled at when I don't agree.  It's been very hard on me.  Then the financial issues as our cats which are like or babies are costing us a fortune, so we argue about that too.  Anyway, I just spend my afternoons in the office online.  Thank you for listening to me and taking the time to write me back right away.  You have been a "God send" and understand me. I look forward to receiving that copy.    I have a book called "Signs from the Afterlife" by Lyn Ragan, have you read it?  All my best to you dear Lainy.

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(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Hello

I was able to ship all my dear Mama's furniture and 130 paintings because the French go by space, not by weight.  But, I've had no energy to even to start selling her paintings and in Kansas, they don't understand anything about European Art.  The paintings have been in the basement for 2 years next month.  I also have a humidifier and a dehumidifier.  The only hopeful thing is that I finally decided to contact a friend who's a professional photographer and is going to give me a discount to take pictures of all my mother's paintings, so that I can email them to various galleries around the country, plus two individuals who have many connections.
I am still grieving every day and had the worst holiday.  I am surrounded by her pictures in my office and feel her love.  But I cry every day and it's now been 3 years and 3 months.  I lie on my mother's couch and watch TV like she use to.
I feel so much pain and want to be with my dear Mama, so badly.  She was my World and my Hero and only trusted her with my life- I could talk to her about anything.  But now I only have my 88 year old Aunt, whom I cannot stress out plus I don't trust her even though I love her.  She was very close and of course affected by my mother's death too, and has not been the same, like me. Nobody wants to listen to my problems and they are no longer in my life.  I've "cleaned house", or let's say, eliminated people that expect me to "get over it."
Nothing in life makes me happy or joyous.  I have tried therapy, but they don't have any experience in "Grief" so they were of no help.  I don't drive so I can only get around on my bike when the weather is nice.  I could of course always take the bus.
I haven't listened to music for over three years because it makes me cry. 
I went biking yesterday in the trails for the first time in months because it was 70 degrees, but that was just yesterday.  That always kicks in the Endorphins and helps me out, plus I can talk to my mother and cry out loud.  I'll have to wait until we have more nice days to bike again, but I believe we'll have an early Spring. 
I have been reading about "Afterlife Signs" and I truly believe in it.  Yesterday, I took a selfie out in the trails and strangely enough, there was a white straight line right above my head.  Wonder what that means? 
Anyway, for now I'm fine alone as Mama's Spirit is with me, and I don't need friends because they don't understand.  I would rather be alone and text if necessary.  Once in while I'll get together with a friend who does understand.  This Spring, weather permitting,  I'll be out more often on my bike in the trails alone, knowing that my mother's Spirit is with me and therefore not feeling alone....does that make sense?
I have a feeling that I know what caused my mother to have this monster of a disease.  She was an artist and when she moved into a studio, she painted in the corner with oil paints for 25 years and sometimes used her fingers instead of a brush, without ventilation, except for the windows.  Paint is toxic and cancerous but it took me three years to figure out that it could have been a possibility.  The fumes alone from the paint are toxic to breathe in, let alone using your fingers.  Oh Mama, why, why why did you not figure that out or why did I not realize it?  She asked me, "how did I get so sick?" and I told her that I didn't know.  Now it's too late to tell her sad   Maybe, it was from something else, who knows.
This world has spent so much money on cancer and although there have been improvements, there's still not a cure.  Chemo is a killer on its own-too bad it couldn't only go to the cancer and not the rest of the body.  My mother had no chemo, radiation or surgery due to her age, 83 1/2.  She just withered away in 8 weeks with a brain tumor too.  She had her mind in ICU and wrote twice on a piece of paper "Take me home if you love me."  How could I if she was intubated and had tubes going into every opening in her body plus a blood transfusion as her stomach split open at the end.  I feel so guilty about it and the friggin hospital overseas would only let me see her for one hour a day, so she died alone........now I'm crying!
http://s22.postimg.org/hk9skgehp/IMG_0080.jpg

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(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

It's 2 years and 11 months since I lost my dearest mother and I still cry every day for her.  My heart is still in pain and no one understands.  Can't talk to my 87 year old aubt about it as it wouls make her breakdown, have been to counseling, grief class, and I'm still in pain.  I wish I were with her instead of being on earth suffering. 
http://s21.postimg.org/mfy4g9kpv/image.jpg

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(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Update
I'm still very sad and miss my beloved mother so much.  I don't enjoy anything, going out and exercising.  I'm not trying to gain pity but my life has come to a standstill.  My mother was the love of my life.  Now my aunt is is going to turn 87 but in good health so she says.  She' s in Iran and as a U.S. Citizen it's not safe for me to go there.  I went to see my mother on November 25th
and I was questioned for an hour.  I could hear my heart beating in my throat and thought I would be put in prison, but I got through. 

I only felt safe for 2 nights in the hospital when  I was with my beloved mother.  My cousin who lies, did not allow me to stay the third night and the next day she was in ICU and I was only allowed to stay with her once a day from 3-4 PM.  They didn't even check her IV.  The next day she was on life support and I wrote if she wanted to live like that and she wrote no.  Then she wrote  twice(which was hard to read) "Take me home if you love me" but I couldn't.  If you take someone off of life support how long does it take to die?  I feel so guilty about that.  She wanted to be surrounded by the family by unfortunately she died alone.  I feel so guilty and I dislike my two cousins who lied to both my mother and I plus they stole all her valuables in Paris while she was in the hospital before going to Iran.  If my cousins would have told me that she had cancer I would have never let her go there because this is an incurable disease so far.  They didn't even tell my mother because they didn't want her to be depressed.  Ivy cousins are hateful people with black hearts.  They even stole her money and forged her check.

When I left that horrific country feeling like I wanted  to die, I went to Paris and took all her documents and the Deed.  She tried to become a French citizen because she lived in Paris for 11 years, change her last name to me beloved mother's name and hire a lawyer so that she could claim that she was her child and inherit the apartment.  They refused to give me her death certificate so I had to go through the State Department because my mother was also a U.S. Citizen.  I finally got it and also had it translated in French and notarized by the French Embassy in Iran.  This took 4 months, lots of emails and phone calls.  Finally when I received it, I was able to process it as I had the Will and copies of her passports.  My cousins are extremely rich and rent an apartment instead of buying  one.

I still have nightmare's of Iran, seeing my mother yellow and so sick and telling me she wasn't going to get well.  She passed away three days later and I had to bury her with totally freaked me out.  My cousin and an official rushed to the cemetery while I was covered in my scarf in the back of the car and crying my eyes out.  When her body was buried, I wanted to throw myself into  her grave, head first. 

I lost a lot of money when selling her studio as I had to lower the price and pay 38% inheritance fee.  My family made me pay $10,000for her funeral.  Prior to that we had not spoken for a year but finally my Aunt called as she raised me.  So I sent it for my beloved mother.  My cousins are "poison."  I tried to make friends but I could never tell if they were telling me the truth or not and then when I asked what she did with the $10,000 she accused me of hurting her.  So I never want to talk to her again.  She never liked me and has anger issues.

My mother and I always spoke English to each other and we both hated Iran. So she sent me off to a boarding school in Europe and was very private.

When I was in Iran, I was so scared thinking that they would find out that I was American, and I couldn't read any of their Billboards or street names and the traffic  and smog was awful.  I almost kissed the ground when I arrived in Chicago for my transfer.  The TSA questioned me and was only there for 5 minutes - the last thing they told me was they were surprised I got in and out.

So it's so hard to forget what my mother looked like when she was deadly sick, burying her the Muslim way when she always believed in Jesus and being I a horrible country..  She passed away on November 29, 2012, and I'm still suffering from everything .

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(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Update
I'm still very sad and miss my beloved mother so much.  I don't enjoy anything, going out and exercising.  I'm not trying to gain pity but my life has come to a standstill.  My mother was the love of my life.  Now my aunt is is going to turn 87 but in good health so she says.  She' s in Iran and as a U.S. Citizen it's not safe for me to go there.  I went to see my mother on November 25th
and I was questioned for an hour.  I could hear my heart beating in my throat and thought I would be put in prison, but I got through. 

I only felt safe for 2 nights in the hospital when  I was with my beloved mother.  My cousin who lies, did not allow me to stay the third night and the next day she was in ICU and I was only allowed to stay with her once a day from 3-4 PM.  They didn't even check her IV.  The next day she was on life support and I wrote if she wanted to live like that and she wrote no.  Then she wrote  twice(which was hard to read) "Take me home if you love me" but I couldn't.  If you take someone off of life support how long does it take to die?  I feel so guilty about that.  She wanted to be surrounded by the family by unfortunately she died alone.  I feel so guilty and I dislike my two cousins who lied to both my mother and I plus they stole all her valuables in Paris while she was in the hospital before going to Iran.  If my cousins would have told me that she had cancer I would have never let her go there because this is an incurable disease so far.  They didn't even tell my mother because they didn't want her to be depressed.  Ivy cousins are hateful people with black hearts.  They even stole her money and forged her check.

When I left that horrific country feeling like I wanted  to die, I went to Paris and took all her documents and the Deed.  She tried to become a French citizen because she lived in Paris for 11 years, change her last name to me beloved mother's name and hire a lawyer so that she could claim that she was her child and inherit the apartment.  They refused to give me her death certificate so I had to go through the State Department because my mother was also a U.S. Citizen.  I finally got it and also had it translated in French and notarized by the French Embassy in Iran.  This took 4 months, lots of emails and phone calls.  Finally when I received it, I was able to process it as I had the Will and copies of her passports.  My cousins are extremely rich and rent an apartment instead of buying  one.

I still have nightmare's of Iran, seeing my mother yellow and so sick and telling me she wasn't going to get well.  She passed away three days later and I had to bury her with totally freaked me out.  My cousin and an official rushed to the cemetery while I was covered in my scarf in the back of the car and crying my eyes out.  When her body was buried, I wanted to throw myself into  her grave, head first. 

I lost a lot of money when selling her studio as I had to lower the price and pay 38% inheritance fee.  My family made me pay $10,000for her funeral.  Prior to that we had not spoken for a year but finally my Aunt called as she raised me.  So I sent it for my beloved mother.  My cousins are "poison."  I tried to make friends but I could never tell if they were telling me the truth or not and then when I asked what she did with the $10,000 she accused me of hurting her.  So I never want to talk to her again.  She never liked me and has anger issues.

My mother and I always spoke English to each other and we both hated Iran. So she sent me off to a boarding school in Europe and was very private.

When I was in Iran, I was so scared thinking that they would find out that I was American, and I couldn't read any of their Billboards or street names and the traffic  and smog was awful.  I almost kissed the ground when I arrived in Chicago for my transfer.  The TSA questioned me and was only there for 5 minutes - the last thing they told me was they were surprised I got in and out.

So it's so hard to forget what my mother looked like when she was deadly sick, burying her the Muslim way when she always believed in Jesus and being I a horrible country..  She passed away on November 29, 2012, and I'm still suffering from everything .

Lainy, I had a slip and cry at nights holding my mother's pillows and sleeping on them as they  calm me down.  When I thanked you earlier, I was thanking you for the suggestion which I tried but then forgot to do it.  .  I'm on meds and due to my deep depression my memory has been awful.  I know that one depression causes it plus an anti-anxiety medication, Kolopin can cause it.  I have panic attacks and miss my mother so much.  I go to therapy every week, I quit my job due to having frequent headaches (had an MRI and have a small cyst which is nothing to worry about according to the Neurologist), and I try not to cry. But In the mornings,  I cry while drinking my coffee because I remember having coffee and crackers with my mother.  I kiss her picture several times a day. 

I will try really hard to look in the mirror and talk to my Mama  saying " hi my beautiful Mama, please stop worrying about me.  I'll be okay and I know that I will see you again.  I'm just asking for your spirit or soul to stay with me. 

Thank you Lainy.  I'll keep you posted but I'm still in pain from losing my mother 2 years ago and I feel like a part of me was taken away from me.

My Aunt who will be 87 in February calls me every day from overseas and tries to make me happy.  She was joined by the hip to my mother.    So it's so nice to hear her tell me how much she loves me and misses me.  If I lose her, I will be devastated again but not like my Mama.
So far she says she's healthy and happy and her 48 year old daughter takes care of her.  We don't talk only because I asked her what did she spend the money that I sent her after demanding it for one year when I was broke.  She said she no longer wanted to talk to me because I cause her grief. My Mama told me she gave her own 7 carat diamond wedding ring to take care of the medical bills.  But I ended up paying for it. She's extremely rich and tried to take over my mother's apartment in Paris which I outsmarted her. She refused to give me her death certificate but I went through the State Department and it took 5 months to get it.

Anyway, I went through hell dealing with the French law until I finally got it and sold it in three weeks but it hurt me so much to sell it as it was my mother's nest for 25 years.

I'm trying to sell 140 paintings to an auction house but haven't had any luck and I don't want to keep them in the basement.  So I'm also sad about that.  It also have osteopenia at the age of 61 and osteoporosis in my right hand, so I'm san about that too.  It will not stop me from mountain biking next year as I will have a knee and hand brace.

I'm so sorry for going on with my sadness but you opened my eyes and gave me an idea to improve me life.  I hope you're well and hope to hear from you soon.

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(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Dear Darla,

In order for me to invite you to my FB, I would need your last name or you can find me by Desiree Stephenson.

I'm now in touch with my 86 year old aunt and her daughter.  I was out of contact with them for over a year but we came back together again, except that they're on the other side of the world.  I talk to my dear aunt for free on an app called "Viber" and the person that you want to talk to, also has to download Viber on their smart phone.  Free phone calls and texting.

Anyway, I've been crying every day and my cousin has a long talk with me today about taking care of myself.  She was very close to my mother and took care of her while she had CC.  It made me feel better and gave me hope when she said that we'll all meet again soon. I sure hope we meet together while my aunt is still healthy like this year.

My therapist moved so I'm going to a new therapist starting next week for every 2 week,s instead of once a month.  I hope we're a good fit.

I hope you're well.  You're a joy to hear from and write to.  Please keep in touch.

Desiree

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(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Thank you Darla for understanding how I feel.  It's good to hear that my mother's spirit is always with me and watching over me.

I will keep her forever in my heart and she has the biggest past of my heart but I have problems remembering the wonderful memories we had together.  I could see her love in her gorgeous green eyes for me when I saw her and how much she cared for me and she showed it through her actions.  Look at her pictures on FB at Desiree Stephenson

Thank you again.

Love & Hugs back

Desiree

10

(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

I still cry every day for my mother and it's been a year and a half since her passing.  Immediately after her passing, I had to deal with her Will in France from the U.S. and it took up so much of my time and was extremely stressful.  Now that it's over, I'm really grieving.  I guess it's because I didn't think as much about my dear mother's passing until now.  Now it's been terrible but still struggling to heal every day, one day at a time.

My partner can't stand to see me cry and be out of it all the time due to the reaction of my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.  I don't know if we will make it together.  I'm going to go back to work part time next week and also start going back at Alanon.  That really helped me.  I really don't need another major problem in my life.

My life without my mother has been the biggest devastation in my life.  She was the only one I loved more than anyone in the world, cared about and trusted with all my heart.  I miss her so much  and miss hearing her voice every  morning. The pain is a little better than before  but it will never go away completely.  I was so close to her that I know I will never be the same without her.  I hope her Spirit is still with me and that she's watching over me.

I've been going to therapy once a month and that has helped a little but I'm not so interested in life any more.  My mother was my other half of my life and she's gone so now I feel that I'm living on half a life.

Any feed back would be appreciated.  In the meantime, bless you all that have lost a dear one or battling this monster of a disease or know a loved one  who's battling this disease.  I hope they find a cure one day very soon.

Peace be with you.

Desiree

11

(1 replies, posted in Grief Management)

This is the second mother's day without my dear beloved mother.  I've been crying every day since she passed on November 29, 2012, but healing slowly.  and started individual therapy.  I've been crying all day today as I don't have my mother any more.  I know however, that her spirit is with me and always will be watching over me.  I know that when it's my time and I cross over to the other side, she'll be waiting for me with open arms and I'll be with her eternally.

I can't even go out with a friend today for mother's day because just seeing everyone around with their mother's is going to be a tear jerker.  I don't know if anyone else is going through what I'm going through but I would appreciate your feedback.

The four days that are the hardest days for me, is the day she passed, her birthday, mother's day and even New Year's day.

I kiss her picture every day and talk to her.  I still have some recordings of her voice while she was sick but have only listened to them 2 or 3 times and I had a really hard time.  I will listen to them again when I'm ready and happy that I have them.

I wish all of those who have lost their mother to this monster of a disease, a day of peace.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Desiree

Thank you Lainy for your suggestions.  It helped me a lot.

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(11 replies, posted in Grief Management)

What a beautiful poem!  Thanks for sharing it with us as I could relate so much to it.  I am so sorry for your loss too.  I wish you peace and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. 

I lost my mother November 29, 2012, and now I've been sick from the stress of losing her.   

My doctor has been running numerous tests to rule out diseases etc.  Stress has made me very sick and now I have to notify my boss tomorrow that I can no longer work as I don't have the strength, and hope they will allow me to return once I feel better emotionally and physically.  I'm not eligible for FMLA yet. 

It's amazing how stress affects us.  My mother was all I had and she went fast in 8 weeks which absolutely devastated me, but at least she didn't suffer for too long.  I was grateful that I saw her before she passed and buried her BUT my life has and will never be the same again, as I loved and cared about her more than anyone in the world.  Her spirit will always be with me until I meet her again.  I'm starting psychotherapy this week and have been on anti-depressants, Lexapro which has helped me otherwise I don't know.  I'm trying very hard to keep busy but will always have my outbursts for the rest of my life.

I hear my mother once in a blue moon, through my head saying " you have to take care of yourself and try to be happy and healthy, and remember that I love & miss you and will always be with you."  So, I'm trying very hard to take care of myself to the best of my ability which is hard but that's all I can do, and I hope you do too.

I wish we could plan a reunion with all the people that have lost their loved ones to this monster of a cancer.  Maybe in Kansas which is exactly in the center of the country.  Maybe we can make it happen as I think it would be a wonderful idea and would be so good for all of us. 

In the meantime, try to take good care of yourself and try hard to live one day or even one hour at a time.  Individual therapy and anti-depressants is my suggestion, because it can really help.

A big hug,

Desiree

Yesterday, November 29th, was the one year anniversary of my mother's passing!  I worked 6 hours, came home to my partner's son and family visiting from Texas.  I was actually able to explain to them the entire ritual of the burial of my mother, which they were very interested in.  That made me feel heard and that other were interested in hearing about it.  I shared a picture of her grave and her picture.

I miss her and love her so much and I'm still hurting.  It will be difficult for me to go to Paris in January, back to her beautiful studio and go through her belongings deciding what to ship back and what to auction off. 

Then the worst part will be to give the keys to the buyer, knowing that I will never see her studio again <crying>.  Oh Jesus why did she have to go this way?  Her loss shattered my heart into a million pieces. 

I know that she wants me to go on with my life and be happy, but it's still so difficult for me and hurts to much.  I'm still on medication to help me from having a nervous breakdown and other things. 

I know that her spirit is always with me and that she has the biggest part in my heart, and that I carry her wherever I go.  I miss hearing her beautiful soft voice, her gorgeous green eyes and face, her love for me and her caring, and everything else about her.  She has given me the strength to go through the "gates of hell" with the French Laws in order to inherit her studio, which is what she wanted.  She didn't want the French government to take over her studio.  Thank Jesus I will have her paintings and sculptures which she painted and made.

My Thanksgiving was sad, and my Christmas and New Year will be sad too.  It's so hard around the holidays.

I feel my mother's spirit with me and kiss her picture every day.

Dear Kristie,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother.  I know how it feels like all of us do in here.  My mother was all I had and I was very close to her.  This monster of a disease took her away in 8 weeks.  I was and still am devastated.  The one year anniversary of her passing is on November 29th, the day after Thanksgiving. It will be a very sad day but I will make her stuffing for the turkey because she knew I loved to use her recipe every Thanksgiving.

I went to a Grief support group and I'm on anti-depressants etc. to help me get through this painful tragedy.  It has helped me very much otherwise I was ready to leave this world just to join her.

I wish you comfort and peace.  Remember, your mother's spirit will always be with you and she's watching you too. 

I have to go to France in January to her studio and ship back her belongings which will be so hard on me but I have to do it as I'm the only child and want to have her paintings and belongings.

I know that when my time comes to leave this world, my mother will be waiting for me and I'll be with her eternally, so that gives me hope.

Feel free to email me if you need to share at orlysud@aol.com.

Desiree

The one year anniversary of my mother's passing will be November 29th, which is the day after Thanksgiving.  She actually passed away on a Thursday. I still have times that I can't believe she's gone. 

I have some of her clothes in my closet and when I smell them I feel like she's here.  I use her perfume and I have her pictures on my wall which I kiss every day.  What a hard life and a tragedy it's been for me.  It's been hell for me but at least I started working two months ago which has helped me a lot and I'm on anti-depressants and anti-panic medication because I would have not survived without them, honestly. 

I miss her so much and she was the only one that I loved and cared about more than anyone in the world.  She was the only one I trusted as she always told me the truth.  She was my world and now she's my Angel in Heaven.

I didn't know she was deaf in one ear but she never shared that with me and I wonder why?  I knew she had trouble hearing but never knew about it until my cousin told me.  She didn't share any negative things with me even though she was very depressed, she only shared positive things in life, and wanted me to be positive about life.  I always complained about life as I've always had financial issues.

She knew she was going to pass away when she told me that she was not interested in anything, which is so unlike her, and that she knew she would never get well again.  I should have known that we only had a matter of days together, so that I could ask her some questions and hold her hand.  She didn't like anyone to pity her.

Now I have to go to Paris in January and go through all her belongings which is going to be a nightmare for me, but at least a friend of mine will be coming with me to support me and help me out.  I wish I didn't have to give up her studio as that was her "nest" for 25 years.

She was an artist so I will be shipping back all her paintings and sculptures plus some of her other belongings.

Sometime I wish I were never born.  I feel like I'm healing but I'm still broken hearted and hurt so much.

Thank you for reading my pain.

Desiree

Dear Adjuster 11

My mother visited Iran many times and ate a lot of fish.  I'm wondering if that was the cause.  However, the rest of my family which consist of my 85 year old aunt and 2 cousins, live there too, but are fine.  I wonder which fish carry those flukes?  I wonder if it's also hereditory?  Would you happen to have informatin on it?

My mother passed away last year on November 29th, which the one year anniversary is approaching.  It her been hell for me as she was the only one I had. 

Thank you.

Desiree

Dear Donnellalu,

I'm so sorry about your mother's passing.  I know how it feels as I lost mine too, almost a year ago.  I wish I had been holding her hand when she passed but unfortuanatly she died alone in ICU.

My heart goes out to you.

Love,

Desiree

19

(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

On Nobember 29th, it will the one year anniversary of my mother passing away.  I remember this time last year how sick she was and how she said she was a "pain" to everyone as they had to take care of her.  My response was "we love you so it doesn't matter" but she never answered.  She also talked about the "quality of life and also said that she knew she would not get better again.  Jesus took her away 3 days later to Heaven as he didn't want her to suffer any more.  At least she didn't suffer more because the nurse said that she would have gone into a Coma eventually.

Oh Mama, how much I miss you and love you.  I miss the look of love in your beaitful green eyes and how much you cared about me like no one else did in my life.  I miss hearing her voice every morning on the phone.  I feel abandoned and like an orphan.  Her spirit will always be with me and she occupies the largest part of my heart which I carry her wherever I go.  Why did this have to happen so suddenly?  This monster took her away in 8 weeks but at least she didn't suffer for longer.

Lainey, my email address is orlysud@aol.com so please feel free to write to me about "The Novel Idea" so I can keep her memory alive.  I would greatly appreciate it.

Since I've been working for the past 2 months and taking prescribed anti-depressants etc.,  it has helped me not cry as much.

I finally sold her studio in Paris, and have to go there in January and go through all my mother's belongings and decide what to ship back and what to sell.  She was an artist so all her paintings and sculptures will be shipped back plus some of her other belongings.  I was very lucky to find a buyer in 3 weeks.  It's going to be so hard to go into her studio even though I will feel her love, and so difficult to hand over the keys to the buyer as I will never be able to set foot in that studio again, after 25 years,

The French Notaire has been awful with me and she knows that I'm at her mercy because she does all the paper work, she has ignored my emails and only emails when there's something new and she avoids my phone calls.  I have so many questions but she doesn't answer.  I can't wait till this is all behind me.  I have gone through hell not only because I lost my dear mother, but with my family who have so evil with me, and the French jusdical system and red tape that I had to go through to get her studio and sell it.  It's nothing like that in the United States.

Anyway, just wanted to update anyone who was interested in my life after the death of my darling mother.

Desiree

20

(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

I'm still hurting and crying every day for my mother as she was all I had. 
It will be 11 months on October 29th, 2013, that my mother passed away in Iran.  As a U.S. Citizen, I obtained a visa to go to Tehran to spend time with my mother in the hospital 5 days before she passed and I'm still suffering from PTSD from just being there.  I was surprised I got in and out even though I was held at the airport for one hour when I arrived and questioned in a small room.  I thought I was going to be thrown in jail.  How will I ever be able to ever go back there to visit her grave?  She wouldn't have wanted to be buried there (she was a dual citizen) but then again I'm not sure.

I know she's in a better place but this monster of a disease took her life in 8 weeks.  At least she didn't suffer for too long.  She was 83 1/2 and they couldn't do anything for her.

I miss hearing her voice and having her in my life as my friend, mentor and only trusted and loved her.  I had so much to tell her while I was in the hospital with her 4 days before she passed away, but didn't want to make her uncomfortable, so I never shared it.   I knew when she told me that she was not going to get better, it was wise to not talk but I didn't know that she was going to die.  Three days later she was in ICU.  She waited for me, I know.

I found out through a contact that I met online playing backgammon on FB from Iran, that my name was not on her grave stone.  I asked him to go to the cemetery and take pictures which he did and discovered that my cousins did not engrave the message that I asked them to put on my mother's grave. 

My cousins have been brutal with me and have treated me like dirt (because they didn't inherit my mother's studio in Paris where she lived) and when I emailed them and asked them why they didn't engrave my message on my mother's grave, their response was that I didn't pay for my mother's funeral.  They are swimming in money but instead they engraved a message from my mother to her sister.  I was hurt beyond belief.  My cousins have been so spiteful and stole all her valuables.  They grew up with my mother and I, and my mother supported them for years, when I was a teenager.  They  were still free-loading off my mother by going to Paris and sleeping on her floor since she only had a studio, for about 3 months.  I told them I would pay them to have my message engraved and their response was that they would try.  I want to have my mother's remains sent back to me but there's so much red tape there and Iran hates us.  I'm totally devastated!

I believe in the "after life" and know that I will see and be with my mother again, but her passing has left a big hole in me.  I know that she has the biggest part of my heart and I carry her wherever I go, but I'm still in so much pain.  I talk to her every morning and cry.  Can anyone share something about the "Afterlife", and give me some emotional support.  Already been to grief support classes and on medication.  I would appreciate it.

Still grieving.

Desiree

21

(16 replies, posted in In Remembrance)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother.  This monster took my mother's life too in 8 weeks on November 29, 2012, and I'm still hurting & crying ever day.

You're in my thoughts & prayers and I can most certainly feel your pain.
Just remember that through this pain, your mother's spirit is still always with you and she's watching over you.

Desiree

I feel my mother's Spirit is with me all the time & I know she's watching over me.  I know that it was my mother who gave me the strength to go through all the red tape in France for her estate. The Notaire is heartless and I'm hanging on to the hope that when I die that I'll be with my mother again eternally.  She's waiting for me for as long as it takes.  A butterfly landed on my arm the other day, spread it's beautiful wings, stayed a few seconds and then disappeared.  This happened while I was walking up my sidewalk & I know that was my mother visiting me.  How come I don't dream of her?

It's been 9 1/2 months since I lost my beloved Mama.  I'm
still hurting & cry every day.  I've gone to a Grief Group, therapy and my heart is still is in great pain.  I'm still dealing with her Estate in
France and the Notaire has ignored me and only responded
when she felt like it and avoids my phone calls.
The Notaire came back from a 2 1/2 week vacation last
August 26th and without advising me, she's on vacation again until the 20th and NO ONE else in her office is allowed to work on my case.  She doesn't keep me updated & I fired my attorney as she never took any action, just made phone calls & sent emails about information that I already knew.  I miss my mother so much and wish I could hear her voice.  This time last year she was well & alive.
Oh Mama please help me get through this turmoil.

24

(27 replies, posted in Thought for the Day)

When I arrived at the end of the biking trail, I usually got off my bike, wipe the sweat off my face with my small clean 100% cotton towel, cool down in the shade, & drink ice cold water from my Camelback.  I usually hang my helmet on the biking handle, put my biking gloves in the helmet and pour some of the water from my Camelback on my face to cool down. 

All of a sudden, a Monarch Butterfly came out of nowhere, and sat on the side of my hanging helmet for the longest time.  I even took pictures of her.  Then a second Monarch Butterfly came and sat close to the first one for a while but then took off.  The first butterfly moved to the inside of my hanging helmet and sat on the my biking glove, so I started taking pictures of her with my iPhone.  I knew that was my Mother!!!  The butterfly was there for the longest time and I just admired it and waited until she was ready to fly off again, which she eventually did.  Is that odd or what?  I wish we could post pictures here as I would have done just that.

I still have my train wreck days and then my okay days.

Bless you all!

Desiree

25

(6 replies, posted in Grief Management)

I found this somewhere and thought I should share it since I believe it and hopefully it can help others who have shared the loss of a mother or loved one:

As I sit in Heaven
And watch you every day
I try to let you know with signs
I never went away
I hear you when you're laughing
And watch you as you sleep
I even place my arms around you
To calm you as you weep
I see you wish the days away
Begging to have me home
So I try to send you signs
So you know you are not alone
Don't feel guilty that you have
Life that was denied to me
Heaven is truly beautiful
Just you want and see
So live your life, laugh again
Enjoy yourself, be free
Then I know with every breath you take
You'll be taking one for me


I cried when you
passed away.  I still cry today.
Although I loved you dearly , and still do
I couldn't make you stay.  A golden heart
Stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. 
Jesus broke my heart to prove to me that he
only takes the best.  You're forever in my heart.
I know one day, we'll meet again,
Until we do just know how much I miss you and
you are always with me.

I believe in the "Afterlife" and that one day I will see and be with my mother eternally.  She'll be waiting for me as long as it takes and that's the only hope I have left.

Desiree