1

(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Dear Darla,

In order for me to invite you to my FB, I would need your last name or you can find me by Desiree Stephenson.

I'm now in touch with my 86 year old aunt and her daughter.  I was out of contact with them for over a year but we came back together again, except that they're on the other side of the world.  I talk to my dear aunt for free on an app called "Viber" and the person that you want to talk to, also has to download Viber on their smart phone.  Free phone calls and texting.

Anyway, I've been crying every day and my cousin has a long talk with me today about taking care of myself.  She was very close to my mother and took care of her while she had CC.  It made me feel better and gave me hope when she said that we'll all meet again soon. I sure hope we meet together while my aunt is still healthy like this year.

My therapist moved so I'm going to a new therapist starting next week for every 2 week,s instead of once a month.  I hope we're a good fit.

I hope you're well.  You're a joy to hear from and write to.  Please keep in touch.

Desiree

2

(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

Thank you Darla for understanding how I feel.  It's good to hear that my mother's spirit is always with me and watching over me.

I will keep her forever in my heart and she has the biggest past of my heart but I have problems remembering the wonderful memories we had together.  I could see her love in her gorgeous green eyes for me when I saw her and how much she cared for me and she showed it through her actions.  Look at her pictures on FB at Desiree Stephenson

Thank you again.

Love & Hugs back

Desiree

3

(14 replies, posted in Grief Management)

I still cry every day for my mother and it's been a year and a half since her passing.  Immediately after her passing, I had to deal with her Will in France from the U.S. and it took up so much of my time and was extremely stressful.  Now that it's over, I'm really grieving.  I guess it's because I didn't think as much about my dear mother's passing until now.  Now it's been terrible but still struggling to heal every day, one day at a time.

My partner can't stand to see me cry and be out of it all the time due to the reaction of my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.  I don't know if we will make it together.  I'm going to go back to work part time next week and also start going back at Alanon.  That really helped me.  I really don't need another major problem in my life.

My life without my mother has been the biggest devastation in my life.  She was the only one I loved more than anyone in the world, cared about and trusted with all my heart.  I miss her so much  and miss hearing her voice every  morning. The pain is a little better than before  but it will never go away completely.  I was so close to her that I know I will never be the same without her.  I hope her Spirit is still with me and that she's watching over me.

I've been going to therapy once a month and that has helped a little but I'm not so interested in life any more.  My mother was my other half of my life and she's gone so now I feel that I'm living on half a life.

Any feed back would be appreciated.  In the meantime, bless you all that have lost a dear one or battling this monster of a disease or know a loved one  who's battling this disease.  I hope they find a cure one day very soon.

Peace be with you.

Desiree

4

(1 replies, posted in Grief Management)

This is the second mother's day without my dear beloved mother.  I've been crying every day since she passed on November 29, 2012, but healing slowly.  and started individual therapy.  I've been crying all day today as I don't have my mother any more.  I know however, that her spirit is with me and always will be watching over me.  I know that when it's my time and I cross over to the other side, she'll be waiting for me with open arms and I'll be with her eternally.

I can't even go out with a friend today for mother's day because just seeing everyone around with their mother's is going to be a tear jerker.  I don't know if anyone else is going through what I'm going through but I would appreciate your feedback.

The four days that are the hardest days for me, is the day she passed, her birthday, mother's day and even New Year's day.

I kiss her picture every day and talk to her.  I still have some recordings of her voice while she was sick but have only listened to them 2 or 3 times and I had a really hard time.  I will listen to them again when I'm ready and happy that I have them.

I wish all of those who have lost their mother to this monster of a disease, a day of peace.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Desiree

Thank you Lainy for your suggestions.  It helped me a lot.

What a beautiful poem!  Thanks for sharing it with us as I could relate so much to it.  I am so sorry for your loss too.  I wish you peace and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. 

I lost my mother November 29, 2012, and now I've been sick from the stress of losing her.   

My doctor has been running numerous tests to rule out diseases etc.  Stress has made me very sick and now I have to notify my boss tomorrow that I can no longer work as I don't have the strength, and hope they will allow me to return once I feel better emotionally and physically.  I'm not eligible for FMLA yet. 

It's amazing how stress affects us.  My mother was all I had and she went fast in 8 weeks which absolutely devastated me, but at least she didn't suffer for too long.  I was grateful that I saw her before she passed and buried her BUT my life has and will never be the same again, as I loved and cared about her more than anyone in the world.  Her spirit will always be with me until I meet her again.  I'm starting psychotherapy this week and have been on anti-depressants, Lexapro which has helped me otherwise I don't know.  I'm trying very hard to keep busy but will always have my outbursts for the rest of my life.

I hear my mother once in a blue moon, through my head saying " you have to take care of yourself and try to be happy and healthy, and remember that I love & miss you and will always be with you."  So, I'm trying very hard to take care of myself to the best of my ability which is hard but that's all I can do, and I hope you do too.

I wish we could plan a reunion with all the people that have lost their loved ones to this monster of a cancer.  Maybe in Kansas which is exactly in the center of the country.  Maybe we can make it happen as I think it would be a wonderful idea and would be so good for all of us. 

In the meantime, try to take good care of yourself and try hard to live one day or even one hour at a time.  Individual therapy and anti-depressants is my suggestion, because it can really help.

A big hug,

Desiree

Yesterday, November 29th, was the one year anniversary of my mother's passing!  I worked 6 hours, came home to my partner's son and family visiting from Texas.  I was actually able to explain to them the entire ritual of the burial of my mother, which they were very interested in.  That made me feel heard and that other were interested in hearing about it.  I shared a picture of her grave and her picture.

I miss her and love her so much and I'm still hurting.  It will be difficult for me to go to Paris in January, back to her beautiful studio and go through her belongings deciding what to ship back and what to auction off. 

Then the worst part will be to give the keys to the buyer, knowing that I will never see her studio again <crying>.  Oh Jesus why did she have to go this way?  Her loss shattered my heart into a million pieces. 

I know that she wants me to go on with my life and be happy, but it's still so difficult for me and hurts to much.  I'm still on medication to help me from having a nervous breakdown and other things. 

I know that her spirit is always with me and that she has the biggest part in my heart, and that I carry her wherever I go.  I miss hearing her beautiful soft voice, her gorgeous green eyes and face, her love for me and her caring, and everything else about her.  She has given me the strength to go through the "gates of hell" with the French Laws in order to inherit her studio, which is what she wanted.  She didn't want the French government to take over her studio.  Thank Jesus I will have her paintings and sculptures which she painted and made.

My Thanksgiving was sad, and my Christmas and New Year will be sad too.  It's so hard around the holidays.

I feel my mother's spirit with me and kiss her picture every day.

Dear Kristie,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother.  I know how it feels like all of us do in here.  My mother was all I had and I was very close to her.  This monster of a disease took her away in 8 weeks.  I was and still am devastated.  The one year anniversary of her passing is on November 29th, the day after Thanksgiving. It will be a very sad day but I will make her stuffing for the turkey because she knew I loved to use her recipe every Thanksgiving.

I went to a Grief support group and I'm on anti-depressants etc. to help me get through this painful tragedy.  It has helped me very much otherwise I was ready to leave this world just to join her.

I wish you comfort and peace.  Remember, your mother's spirit will always be with you and she's watching you too. 

I have to go to France in January to her studio and ship back her belongings which will be so hard on me but I have to do it as I'm the only child and want to have her paintings and belongings.

I know that when my time comes to leave this world, my mother will be waiting for me and I'll be with her eternally, so that gives me hope.

Feel free to email me if you need to share at orlysud@aol.com.

Desiree

The one year anniversary of my mother's passing will be November 29th, which is the day after Thanksgiving.  She actually passed away on a Thursday. I still have times that I can't believe she's gone. 

I have some of her clothes in my closet and when I smell them I feel like she's here.  I use her perfume and I have her pictures on my wall which I kiss every day.  What a hard life and a tragedy it's been for me.  It's been hell for me but at least I started working two months ago which has helped me a lot and I'm on anti-depressants and anti-panic medication because I would have not survived without them, honestly. 

I miss her so much and she was the only one that I loved and cared about more than anyone in the world.  She was the only one I trusted as she always told me the truth.  She was my world and now she's my Angel in Heaven.

I didn't know she was deaf in one ear but she never shared that with me and I wonder why?  I knew she had trouble hearing but never knew about it until my cousin told me.  She didn't share any negative things with me even though she was very depressed, she only shared positive things in life, and wanted me to be positive about life.  I always complained about life as I've always had financial issues.

She knew she was going to pass away when she told me that she was not interested in anything, which is so unlike her, and that she knew she would never get well again.  I should have known that we only had a matter of days together, so that I could ask her some questions and hold her hand.  She didn't like anyone to pity her.

Now I have to go to Paris in January and go through all her belongings which is going to be a nightmare for me, but at least a friend of mine will be coming with me to support me and help me out.  I wish I didn't have to give up her studio as that was her "nest" for 25 years.

She was an artist so I will be shipping back all her paintings and sculptures plus some of her other belongings.

Sometime I wish I were never born.  I feel like I'm healing but I'm still broken hearted and hurt so much.

Thank you for reading my pain.

Desiree

Dear Adjuster 11

My mother visited Iran many times and ate a lot of fish.  I'm wondering if that was the cause.  However, the rest of my family which consist of my 85 year old aunt and 2 cousins, live there too, but are fine.  I wonder which fish carry those flukes?  I wonder if it's also hereditory?  Would you happen to have informatin on it?

My mother passed away last year on November 29th, which the one year anniversary is approaching.  It her been hell for me as she was the only one I had. 

Thank you.

Desiree

Dear Donnellalu,

I'm so sorry about your mother's passing.  I know how it feels as I lost mine too, almost a year ago.  I wish I had been holding her hand when she passed but unfortuanatly she died alone in ICU.

My heart goes out to you.

Love,

Desiree

12

(5 replies, posted in Grief Management)

On Nobember 29th, it will the one year anniversary of my mother passing away.  I remember this time last year how sick she was and how she said she was a "pain" to everyone as they had to take care of her.  My response was "we love you so it doesn't matter" but she never answered.  She also talked about the "quality of life and also said that she knew she would not get better again.  Jesus took her away 3 days later to Heaven as he didn't want her to suffer any more.  At least she didn't suffer more because the nurse said that she would have gone into a Coma eventually.

Oh Mama, how much I miss you and love you.  I miss the look of love in your beaitful green eyes and how much you cared about me like no one else did in my life.  I miss hearing her voice every morning on the phone.  I feel abandoned and like an orphan.  Her spirit will always be with me and she occupies the largest part of my heart which I carry her wherever I go.  Why did this have to happen so suddenly?  This monster took her away in 8 weeks but at least she didn't suffer for longer.

Lainey, my email address is orlysud@aol.com so please feel free to write to me about "The Novel Idea" so I can keep her memory alive.  I would greatly appreciate it.

Since I've been working for the past 2 months and taking prescribed anti-depressants etc.,  it has helped me not cry as much.

I finally sold her studio in Paris, and have to go there in January and go through all my mother's belongings and decide what to ship back and what to sell.  She was an artist so all her paintings and sculptures will be shipped back plus some of her other belongings.  I was very lucky to find a buyer in 3 weeks.  It's going to be so hard to go into her studio even though I will feel her love, and so difficult to hand over the keys to the buyer as I will never be able to set foot in that studio again, after 25 years,

The French Notaire has been awful with me and she knows that I'm at her mercy because she does all the paper work, she has ignored my emails and only emails when there's something new and she avoids my phone calls.  I have so many questions but she doesn't answer.  I can't wait till this is all behind me.  I have gone through hell not only because I lost my dear mother, but with my family who have so evil with me, and the French jusdical system and red tape that I had to go through to get her studio and sell it.  It's nothing like that in the United States.

Anyway, just wanted to update anyone who was interested in my life after the death of my darling mother.

Desiree

13

(5 replies, posted in Grief Management)

I'm still hurting and crying every day for my mother as she was all I had. 
It will be 11 months on October 29th, 2013, that my mother passed away in Iran.  As a U.S. Citizen, I obtained a visa to go to Tehran to spend time with my mother in the hospital 5 days before she passed and I'm still suffering from PTSD from just being there.  I was surprised I got in and out even though I was held at the airport for one hour when I arrived and questioned in a small room.  I thought I was going to be thrown in jail.  How will I ever be able to ever go back there to visit her grave?  She wouldn't have wanted to be buried there (she was a dual citizen) but then again I'm not sure.

I know she's in a better place but this monster of a disease took her life in 8 weeks.  At least she didn't suffer for too long.  She was 83 1/2 and they couldn't do anything for her.

I miss hearing her voice and having her in my life as my friend, mentor and only trusted and loved her.  I had so much to tell her while I was in the hospital with her 4 days before she passed away, but didn't want to make her uncomfortable, so I never shared it.   I knew when she told me that she was not going to get better, it was wise to not talk but I didn't know that she was going to die.  Three days later she was in ICU.  She waited for me, I know.

I found out through a contact that I met online playing backgammon on FB from Iran, that my name was not on her grave stone.  I asked him to go to the cemetery and take pictures which he did and discovered that my cousins did not engrave the message that I asked them to put on my mother's grave. 

My cousins have been brutal with me and have treated me like dirt (because they didn't inherit my mother's studio in Paris where she lived) and when I emailed them and asked them why they didn't engrave my message on my mother's grave, their response was that I didn't pay for my mother's funeral.  They are swimming in money but instead they engraved a message from my mother to her sister.  I was hurt beyond belief.  My cousins have been so spiteful and stole all her valuables.  They grew up with my mother and I, and my mother supported them for years, when I was a teenager.  They  were still free-loading off my mother by going to Paris and sleeping on her floor since she only had a studio, for about 3 months.  I told them I would pay them to have my message engraved and their response was that they would try.  I want to have my mother's remains sent back to me but there's so much red tape there and Iran hates us.  I'm totally devastated!

I believe in the "after life" and know that I will see and be with my mother again, but her passing has left a big hole in me.  I know that she has the biggest part of my heart and I carry her wherever I go, but I'm still in so much pain.  I talk to her every morning and cry.  Can anyone share something about the "Afterlife", and give me some emotional support.  Already been to grief support classes and on medication.  I would appreciate it.

Still grieving.

Desiree

14

(16 replies, posted in In Remembrance)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother.  This monster took my mother's life too in 8 weeks on November 29, 2012, and I'm still hurting & crying ever day.

You're in my thoughts & prayers and I can most certainly feel your pain.
Just remember that through this pain, your mother's spirit is still always with you and she's watching over you.

Desiree

I feel my mother's Spirit is with me all the time & I know she's watching over me.  I know that it was my mother who gave me the strength to go through all the red tape in France for her estate. The Notaire is heartless and I'm hanging on to the hope that when I die that I'll be with my mother again eternally.  She's waiting for me for as long as it takes.  A butterfly landed on my arm the other day, spread it's beautiful wings, stayed a few seconds and then disappeared.  This happened while I was walking up my sidewalk & I know that was my mother visiting me.  How come I don't dream of her?

It's been 9 1/2 months since I lost my beloved Mama.  I'm
still hurting & cry every day.  I've gone to a Grief Group, therapy and my heart is still is in great pain.  I'm still dealing with her Estate in
France and the Notaire has ignored me and only responded
when she felt like it and avoids my phone calls.
The Notaire came back from a 2 1/2 week vacation last
August 26th and without advising me, she's on vacation again until the 20th and NO ONE else in her office is allowed to work on my case.  She doesn't keep me updated & I fired my attorney as she never took any action, just made phone calls & sent emails about information that I already knew.  I miss my mother so much and wish I could hear her voice.  This time last year she was well & alive.
Oh Mama please help me get through this turmoil.

17

(27 replies, posted in Thought for the Day)

When I arrived at the end of the biking trail, I usually got off my bike, wipe the sweat off my face with my small clean 100% cotton towel, cool down in the shade, & drink ice cold water from my Camelback.  I usually hang my helmet on the biking handle, put my biking gloves in the helmet and pour some of the water from my Camelback on my face to cool down. 

All of a sudden, a Monarch Butterfly came out of nowhere, and sat on the side of my hanging helmet for the longest time.  I even took pictures of her.  Then a second Monarch Butterfly came and sat close to the first one for a while but then took off.  The first butterfly moved to the inside of my hanging helmet and sat on the my biking glove, so I started taking pictures of her with my iPhone.  I knew that was my Mother!!!  The butterfly was there for the longest time and I just admired it and waited until she was ready to fly off again, which she eventually did.  Is that odd or what?  I wish we could post pictures here as I would have done just that.

I still have my train wreck days and then my okay days.

Bless you all!

Desiree

18

(6 replies, posted in Grief Management)

I found this somewhere and thought I should share it since I believe it and hopefully it can help others who have shared the loss of a mother or loved one:

As I sit in Heaven
And watch you every day
I try to let you know with signs
I never went away
I hear you when you're laughing
And watch you as you sleep
I even place my arms around you
To calm you as you weep
I see you wish the days away
Begging to have me home
So I try to send you signs
So you know you are not alone
Don't feel guilty that you have
Life that was denied to me
Heaven is truly beautiful
Just you want and see
So live your life, laugh again
Enjoy yourself, be free
Then I know with every breath you take
You'll be taking one for me


I cried when you
passed away.  I still cry today.
Although I loved you dearly , and still do
I couldn't make you stay.  A golden heart
Stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. 
Jesus broke my heart to prove to me that he
only takes the best.  You're forever in my heart.
I know one day, we'll meet again,
Until we do just know how much I miss you and
you are always with me.

I believe in the "Afterlife" and that one day I will see and be with my mother eternally.  She'll be waiting for me as long as it takes and that's the only hope I have left.

Desiree

I'm hurting so much for my mother.  I'm having a bad day!  I miss her so much and although she's always in my hear I'm sometimes in disbelief that she gone.  I also know that I will see her again but when?? 

I love her so much and she was the only one I trusted & admired.  I don't have the monetary means to seek counseling.  It's going to be worst when I have to go through all her belongings and then let go of her "nest" that she lived in for 25 years in Paris.  Crying right now cause I can't help it.

Desiree

Dear Jeeyoung and Dee999,

It's been 9 months now since my beautiful mother passed away from this monster of a disease.  They changed one of my anti-depressants and hopefully this will help me get through the loss and to deal with my late mother's estate in France.  I've gone through hell trying to get all the paper work together required by French Law.  It's so complicated, they take their time and always going on vacation.  I'm on the final round which involves a mandatory translation from French into English of the Attested Affidavit and Proxy by a "Sworn" translator.  So through my attorney in Paris, I found a "Sworn" translator in Paris, as they do not accept a "certified" translator like we have here.  Then I have to have it notarized and may have to fly to Chicago and present the translated documents to the French Consulate to sign again and have it stamped.  Once this is done and my Notaire (equivalent to an attorney) in Paris receive the hard copy in Paris, the Deed will be in my name. 

It will be hard for me to go back to Paris to her studio when she's not there.  I miss her and love her so much more than anyone in the world.  Every morning, I sit outside (weather permitting) in the back yard with my coffee and cigarette (which I picked up again) and talk to her, cry sometimes, and listen to her through my mind.  I believe in after-life and I know that when I die, I will see her again and be by her side eternally.

While in Paris, I have to have the studio and the contents appraised and pay a 30% inheritance fee once the studio is sold.  Also, have to check all the electrical outlets and fix the non working one(s) if any, and also check for asbestos, since the building was built in the 70's.  Then, I can put it up for sale.  Once there's a buyer, according to French Law, I have to wait 2 months to get paid, providing that they don't back out.  I have a deadline of November 28th, 2013, to pay the 30% inheritance tax otherwise they'll charge me an additional 10%.  I have to sell some furniture and ship my late mother's belongings back here, which are so dear to me, especially the last painting she was working on.  She must have about 100 or so paintings that I'm going to ship back.  I will set up an art exhibition, as that's what she always wanted, but I'll keep my favorite paintings.  She gave a few art exhibitions in Paris and sold a few of her paintings but that was years ago.

I have gone through so many hurtles with the estate to get to this point, let alone the grief of my mother.  My family which are my two cousins and aunt have told me to get lost because I didn't send them a copy of the Will.  They lie, cheat and steal so they think everyone else has the same mind set.  My attorney said it's none of their business. As a result, my only family told me to they never want to hear from me again.  I only love my 85 year old Aunt who was extremely close to my mother and would love to talk to her, but  I have to go through my cousins, and that's impossible.  She has probably been brain-washed by her children and doesn't know the real truth.  I will send them a copy of the Will after I inherit my late mother's estate so they can see that I was truthful and then maybe they'll allow me to talk to their mother.  My aunt helped my mother raise me.

I have lost my friends since my mother passed away, except for three friends in NYC (which is where I'm from) who keep in touch with me.  An old friend from DC also checks in on me.  As far as the friends here in Kansas, well they don't ask how I am because they don't want to know.  Two of them still have both parents so they have no idea what I'm going through.  People really show their true colors when one goes through such tragedy.  Everyone grieves in different ways and I'm one of those who will grieve for a very long time, maybe forever even though I will heal in time.

Someone quoted in the discussion "Watching someone you love so much die helplessly, changes you in more ways that you can imagine."  It has changed my life forever and I know I'll never be the same again.  My outlook on life has changed tremendously and I see the world ways I never imagined.  The smallest things mean so much to me. 

Sorry I'm going on and on, but this is the only place people understand as they share the same pain and loss from the same disease.

I've been on interviews but no one is hiring me and I know it has a lot to do with my age (59 going on 60 next month).  Maybe it's not meant for me to work right now since I have to leave for France in September, but then again who knows.  I do not want to celebrate my birthday (09/30) this year as that was the date that my late mother was rushed to the hospital.  Thanksgiving was the date that I flew overseas to see my mother for the last time and bury her on November 29th.  I was grateful that I was able to see her even though it was a shocking sight and was 5 days before she passed away, and I'm grateful that I was there to bury her.  I'm sure she was grateful that I was there too.  Before Christmas I was in Paris in her studio for the first time without her (a friend came with me to support me) and I was walking around like a zombie in shock.  I had to get the Deed and all my mother's documents in order to start the process with the estate.  Since my cousins refused to give me her death certificate, I had to go through the U.S. Department of State to obtain it which took 5 months.  I flew on Christmas day back from Paris and did not celebrate Christmas and instead received sympathy cards which was very nice.  It was the first Christmas that I didn't send any cards.  So this will be the second Christmas without her so it may be a little better this year, but who knows. 

New Year's Eve was a big one for me too, as I always called her at midnight Paris time to wish her Happy New Year.  I miss hearing her voice over the phone every morning and sometimes I'm in disbelief.

Thank you for listening and bless you all.

Desiree

I have been waiting for a call back to see a counselor.
I need some relief & I need the legal work to be
completed in France.  I also need to sell my late mother's
studio and put it all behind me before I can really
mourn my losses.  I was told that by a Social Worker
in my Grief group.  I don't know how people get over
grief but my Doctor said it will take me at least two
years or more.  Loosing my mother was the biggest
part of my life and my world.

I've been on anti-depressants carefully managed by my doctor, I've been attending a Grief counseling group, I've been looking for a job, I've been biking in the trails and I'm still feel devastated.  I miss and love my mother so much and wish I could talk to her and hear her soft loving, caring voice. 

Then we had to put our 18 year old beautiful Siamese down two days ago and all this grief came back and hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.  Another death!  I love animals more than anything and this was a big blow to me.  How can I stop feeling pain and crying?  I don't know how much longer I can go on suffering.  There was a point where I was feeling a little better but now I feel that I've gone backwards. 

I'm still waiting to inherit her estate in France and it's coming along slowly but surely, but I need it to be finalized before I can access my late mother's account in Paris and go to Paris to put her studio up for sale.  I must sell and clean out the studio before the end of November or else the French government will not only charge me a 30% inheritance tax but will also charge me a penalty of 10%. 

I wish I could borrow some money from someone who had money in order to get by while waiting for the inheritance to be finalized which should be in the next month or so.  My friends are not in a financial situation to assist me and I'm running out of money and no one can help me. My mother was always there to help me emotionally and financially.  I wish I could find a temporary job, which incidently, I have signed up with a temp employment agency but nothing has been available even when I call them every Monday for hope that there will be something for me.  I have been applying and going on interviews but no luck.

I am mourning and hurting so badly and have never ever been so devastated in my life.  I just want to join my mother and be in her arms and feel no pain but that won't happen for a while.

I am just lost with words.


Desiree

23

(30 replies, posted in Grief Management)

I am so sorry for your loss.  It's a monster of a disease and many people haven't heard of Bile Duct Cancer because it's so rare, like 1% of the population, and growing apparently.  I lost my mother 8 months ago and I'm still crying every day and missing her so much.  She was my world and was the only person I had. Though my mother looked like an actress and was so beautiful both physically and emotionally, even at the age of 83 1/2, it was hard to believe how much CC changed her face,  as she was yellow, one side of her face was paralyzed (did not have a stroke) and her left eye was shut as the cancer had jumped behind her eye.  It was a devastating and took her life in 8 weeks.  I was grateful to be able to be with her 5 days before she passed but was upset that I wasn't with her in ICU when she passed away.  She wanted to go home but there was no way we could unplug anything!  I'm on anti-depressants to help me through each hour, trying to keep myself busy and biking . 

I have not seen my Mama in my dreams because her spirit is with me in my heart and she's waiting for me to join her once my time is up on earth.  That's my hope that keeps me going that I will one day join her forever.  I know she's watching over me like your mother is and is also with you spiritually.

I'm glad you found this site, just like I was, and there's a lot of wonderful people who can identify and give support.

Bless you.

Desiree

Dear Dee,-

Beb biking a lot and sitting outside in the backyard talking to my mother and crying that all I can do.  The doctor just added a third anti-depressant to give me some relief.  I'm not use to all this medication.  I can totally identify with you and our pains are so similar.

I'm listening to Memories from Cats and it reminds me of when my mother and I went to the play on Broadway a zillion years ago and makes me cry and I miss her so much.

Please call me at 785-691-5102.  I would love to speak with you.  We're in Lawrence, KS, Central Standard Time.

I look forward to talking to someone who feels the same way.

Take care,

Desiree

Dear Dee,

You said " I want to scream but I can't. I want to sob but I can't. I know what that loneliness feels like. I have wished countless times I could take her place. I could ease her pain. There is regret and guilt and will always be there. I lost that one person I loved the most. I know I am never going to be OK. I am trying to learn how to live with it.'  You took the words out of my mouth as  I feel that pain.  I can't stop crying because I miss my mother more than anything in the world and keep thinking about the last few days when she was alive including on the ventilator.  I did not expect her to die until the doctor told me the day before that she has only a few days.  The meds and the therapy are not helping me at all, I'm not getting better.  I have a quick fix and then the waves of grief crash into me.  I was doing okay for a while but then, I lost it and cry so hard that I hope my neighbors don't hear me.

Sometimes I want to die as I want to be with my mother.  I've lost contact with my family as they refuse to speak with me because of "money."  I have a partner who can only say "I'm  sorry" or give me a hug from time to time. I don't expect more, honestly. 

It's 103 degrees here in Kansas and I'm stuck indoors.  I'm not working and just waiting for the legal paper work to go through in Paris, but when you're in limbo it's horrific.  I just want to get the estate over with as I don't have money, as I can't even find a temporary job, and no one can help me. Before, my mother was always there for me.  I keep hearing her say "Don't worry, it will be okay." <crying>  But nothing is happening.

I just want to get rid of this terrible pain.  I feel abandoned, an orphan without the mother that I loved and still love more than anyone in the world.  She was my world!!!!!

Dee I feel for your pain very much.  I know that my mother is immortal and that they're watching over us and that their spirits are with us.  They are waiting for us to join them when we pass on.  I wish I could talk on the phone with you, could we?  Or Skype?

A big hug,

Desiree