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It's been 5 months since my mother passed away from this monster of a disease CC.  I am still devastated beyond belief and cry all the time.  I've been to counseling, I'm on medication for anxiety and I'm still having terrible flashbacks.  Flashbacks of the way my mother's face looked, yellow from head to toe and sick in a hospital bed with tubes hanging out of her veins, she was thinking very hard, my mother telling me that nothing in life interests her any more and that she knows she will never get well again, no desire to eat or drink and didn't talk unless spoken to. I'm also having Flashbacks of the last 2 days in the ICU, the last day when she was intubated with breathing difficulties, wrists tied to the bed and tubes pertruding from every opening in her body.  Finally, my mother writing on a piece of paper "Take me home if you love me.".. She still had her mind and was aware of her surroundings.  Then after passing away, seeing her body and burying her in a foreign country where I felt scared and alone.  OMG how am I going to get through this.  I miss my mother so much and wish I would have died and been buried with her at the same time.  She was my world and I don't know how to go on without her.  I can't type any more as I'm crying.....I

I don't care what anyone says but I firmly believe that there's NO cure for Bile Duct Cancer for now, not even Nerium Oleander Extract.  At the same token, I believe that there has been a cure for cancer for many years but they have failed to advise the public because the pharmaceutical companies would lose a great amount of money.  Chemo costs a fortune as well as other medications related to cancer treatments. 

What a shame to watch and hear of so many people dying of Cancer.  My mother died of Bile Duct Cancer and I will never forget it.

Dear Lainey,

I'm having such a hard time without my mother.  I have some okay moments and then bad moments, every day.  I miss her so much.

Desiree

Dear Dee,

Thank you so much for your support and I'm so sorry that your mother has CC.  It was horrible seeing my mother all yellow from head to toe and the left side of her face deformed because the cancer jumped behind her eye and jaw.  This caused her to have severe headaches but at the end she had no pain but needed two people to help her walk to the bathroom and back, loss of hearing in one ear, double vision in the left eye where the cancer was, not eating or drinking.  It was the most devastating event of my life.  I cry every day and really want my mother back, but at the same time, I don't want her to be in pain and on Life Support, like she was the last 2 days of her life.  She's in heaven now and she promised me that she was keeping a spot right next to her for me when I pass away.  I believe in the "After Life."

She was 83 years old and tomorrow is her birthday   She would have been 84.  It's going to be hard for me.

The worst thing in the world is to loose your mother.  CC is a monster cancer and yes it does kill one's soul.  She was my "world" and I loved her more than anything and anyone in the world.  I miss my mother's voice every morning on the phone as we would talk no matter where we were, and I miss her emotional support and her love for me.  It's so hard on me and sometimes I can't believe it.  I'm crying right now just typing this to you.

Oh Jesus, I know that he took her life in 8 weeks because he didn't want her to suffer any more.  My mother did say that it was about the "quality of life."  My mother still had her mind till the very last day. She was the kindest mother and friend in my world. 

Dee all I can wish for is that you spend some quality time with your mother.  I didn't realize that my mother was going to pass away until the day before, but then it was too late.  That's still bothers me.

Feel free to write me any time Dee.  Please let me know how your mother is feeling.

God bless you.

Desiree

How's your mother?

Dear Shaonlee,

I feel for you and I'm so sorry for such a great loss.  Yesterday was the 3 month anniversary of my mother passing away.  I cry so much and my life has been so hard as it was the biggest loss of my life.  It's hard to live without my mother.  She was disgnosed with CC and passed away 8 weeks later on Novrmbrt 29, 2012.  She got a little better, was realeased from the hospital and we both thought she was going to recover, only for her to go back into the hospital a week later.  She couldn't stay out of the hospital.  My cousins were looking after her until I flew overseas to be with her, and it was the worst sight of my life watching her suffer.  However, I was greatful that I was able to spend a short-lived time before she passed away.  Then I buired her and thought I was going to die. 

I know her Spirit is with me and that I carry her in my heart at all times.  I also pray that when I die, that I'll join her and be right next to her forever in the afterlife.  She's waiting for me.

Anway, loosing a mother for me is the worst thing that has ever happened in my entire life.  I wish I was never born to feel this pain and I understand your pain.

Hugs to you~~~
Desiree

Thank you everyone for all your support.  As someone said, the more you loved that person, the deeper the grieving.  I'm still raw and my heart aches deeply.  I have run out of words to express my grief. I loved my mother more than anyone in this world.

My family which consist of my my aunt & 2 cousins, have been awful with me since my mother passed away, as they're upset that their names are not on my mother's Will.  So they're hiring an attorney to sue me saying I owe them lots of money for my mother's medical bills.  They told me and my mother several times while she was still alive, not to worry about my mother's medical bills and that they would take care of it.  I knew they were rich.  They cared for her and also stole her valuables which I cannot prove.  My mother was at their mercy because they were taking care of her and paying her medical bills.  In the back of their minds, they were thinking about a payback. 

My cousins knew I was unemployed and didn't even offer an air ticket to France to see my own mother.  My mother ended up giving them money to wire to me, in order to puchase my air ticket.  Thank God that I was able to see my mother a few days before she passed and also to bury her.

So I'm not only greiving heavly but also dealing with an "evil greedy family. By the way, this issue is happening in France as that's where my mother's apartment is located.  So I'll probably have to go to France sometime this year, with what money, I don't know.

Still grieving.

Thank you Pam and everyone else who responded.

I wanted to go to a Grief Support class but it's from 7:30-9:30 PM, once a week for 10 weeks.  I didn't like the hours, so I gave it a lot of thought.  Then this morning, I spoke to my mother (like I have been doing since she passed away) out loud, and asked her if I should go to this class or would should be willing to help me through my grief.  Believe it or not, a thought came across as "I will carry you through your grief." No joke!  I feel like my mother is with me and speaking to me through my thoughts, can that be true?  Also, when I start crying, I can almost hear my mother through my thoughts, telling me not to cry, which I then stop crying.  Am I going out of my mind or what???  Please let me know if I'm going crazy.

Anyway, I called the Pastor in charge of this class, to advise him in advance, that I would not be attending his class tonight, but I felt like he was giving me the guilt trip.  He responded "I was depending on you; you really need it; I have such a small class; I'll give you a ride to and from the class ( I don't drive)."  Very very nice of him, but one of the things I dislike is when I'm being forced to do something that I don't want.  I responded that I would call him back later today but now I have decided that I don't want to call back just to decline again.  My decision was already made the first time I called this morning.  Just want to know what your thoughts are.

I'm 59 years old, have been sober for 20 years, go to my meetings and get support there as well. 

I love to stay home as I can talk to my mother & look at her framed photograph on the wall.  I also feel that she's with me in spirit and that her soul is inside my heart.  Can that be?

When friends say "if you need anything let me know" I noticed that they never call or email me or offer to get together for coffee etc..  So, now I know who my true friends are.  Amazing what you lean when you're going through a huge loss in your life.  My family (2 cousins and aunt) have turned against me as they want part of my inheritance that they're not intitled to, so they're out of my life too although I still wanted to be in touch with my aunt who's going to be 85 next month.  I have cut all contact with them.  It's a great pity that my aunt always not matter what, sides with her children, therefore I haven't heard from her in 32 days & probably never will, unless she realized one day that we both need eachother.

I am so grateful to hear from all of you which is helping me slowly ride through this storm.  It's one little step at a time & one hour at a time.  I'm trying and that's all I can do.

Thank you for listening to me and thank you for letting me share on this web site.

Thank you so much for sharing.  I'm copying and pasting everything that touches me into Word, and yours was one of them as it gives me hope.  I lost my mother 6 weeks ago and have never ever felt so devastated in my 59 years of life.
Thank you once again - Desiree

Everyone has their own way of grieving.  I don't like to hear that I have to go to a grief counselor like most of my friends are suggesting.  I feel like it's either too heavy for them to hear or they're tired of hearng it.  In a grief book that I'm reading, it says to talk about it as much as you want to.

Joyce,

I'm so sorry but I an totally relate to your feelings because I feel the same way.  When you said "Maybe withdrawing from the world is not healthy, but it's all I want to do. Nothing will make it better - unless she comes back to me."  that's exactly how I feel. This cancer killed my mother (Nov. 29th, 2012) in 8 weeks and it was just horrific for me. She was all I had and now she's gone.  It's been 6 weeks and 1 day now, and I'm still hurting.  I believe that everyone takes their own time to heal and we can't rush it, like many others would like us to. 

I'm debating if I want to attend a Grief class which is once a week for ten weeks, or if I want to do it my way.  My friends who have been through the class said it's great. 

My way of grieving is I enlarged three beautiful pictures of my mother when she was well, framed them and hung them up on the wall right in front of me above my laptop screen.  In that way I can type and look at her when I want to.  I also look at one picture at a time and speak to her, cry and then speak to her again.  For me, it gets better each day but then I have my really bad days.  The important thing to remember is that healing is a process and can take a long time depending on the person.  For me it's a long process.

My mother is the :wind beneath my wings" and mother's always stay with their children in spirit and soul.  Their soul never leaves you.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.  Please feel free to leave me a message any time when you need someone.