Thank you for replying, Lainy. I read these posts and I know there are many hearts in pain, maybe greater than mine. Sad as it is, I know I am not alone.
I have a loving family too, my dad, husband and brother are very supportive, but I don't know why, it still feels like they have come to terms with it. I don't know if I ever will.
Warriors like your husband and my mom are one of a kind. I know faith is supposed to stand strong no matter what, but there are so many things which keep playing in my head. Earlier, when my mom was in pain she would at least, groan and talk about it, now I see her just quiver sometimes, I don't even know whether she is in pain or has to strength to scream. I try asking her and she just nods her head saying no, but I think she doesn't want us to hear our scream. She is trying to protect me even now like she always has. I think about facts - she exercised everyday, did yoga, ate healthy, did not smoke or drink. I don't get it. Yes, there could be a million other reasons to cause this illness but they all seem like freak accidents. We have never seen the inside of a hospital ever before in my life. Nothing makes sense any more. My brother keeps telling me, like you said, maybe God has a plan. He probably does, I don't know. I just feel betrayed. My husband keeps telling me, it could have been worse. I keep thinking it could have been better too. There are so many things I still have to learn from her, about being a mom, a wife, a woman.
I still have to learn more about this infection from the doctor more. They still need to run some tests on the fluid which looked like puss and bile that they extracted today. My only concern is, that the infection is probably hampering her platelet count which has suspended chemo. Chemo seems like being more secondary now probably even if she was in a state where she could at least resume life, where we could go home, she could move around, talk, not be in as much pain, I could make some pace.
I work in Virginia, Lainy but my family is in India and my mom is being treated here in India as well. The oncologist gave her the first drug of her first round of chemo last week on Monday - Gemicite. She was doing ok till her platelet count started dropping later last week. She was due for her second drug - Oxyplatin this Monday, but like you said her counts were not upto the mark which is due to the infection so the doctors did not want to do it.
I am trying hard Lainy, to stay functional for her. I have good people at home and work, but suddenly my life has lost its meaning. We all think about tomorrow - maybe little things like doing groceries to bigger ones like buying a house. I have always prayed for my family. To be able to take care of them. My mom just did not give me birth she gave me a life. Everything I have today, is because of her. She has lived a very tough life, right from her childhood. We deserved happiness, she deserved peace and happiness, at least at this age. Thank you for contributing to these posts. I just spend some time reading and hard as it is, it is comforting to know, that its just not me.