Dear Carl, your post really captures the feelings a spouse has when they are left behind. You describe so eloquently the raw and unceasing pain.
It's been a little over a year for me now. I can tell you that you do start to learn how to live with the pain.
And I believe Darla when she says it gets better, although I have not yet seen that for myself. And I believe Lainy when she says that life is for the living, although I haven't felt that yet either. But their experience gives me hope.
Yes we carry on for our children, but it can seem impossible some days.
It's wise of you to come back to the cc family/ forum now and again. Yes it's painful to remember the suffering and loss of your beloved, but those who have traveled this path before us offer much hope and wisdom and comfort. For that I am grateful.
To those who still have their loved one with them, I will say my biggest regret is that while my husband was still alive his illness moved so quickly we didn't have the chance to talk about our life together after this earthly one. I really yearn to know what he would have told me. I believe in the signs, and do see them.
Carl, for now don't think of big chunks of time. Sometimes it will be all you can do to Just think about breathing. That's an accomplishment. just hang on second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Before long you'll find you have stretched that to a day, then a week, then a month. You will feel better. As Lainy mentioned, if you are spiritually inclined, cling to that for dear life and it will help. Lean on others for now.
I am so sorry for your loss. Know that many are thinking of you and wishing you comfort.