Topic: My beloved mother

I'm still hurting and crying every day for my mother as she was all I had. 
It will be 11 months on October 29th, 2013, that my mother passed away in Iran.  As a U.S. Citizen, I obtained a visa to go to Tehran to spend time with my mother in the hospital 5 days before she passed and I'm still suffering from PTSD from just being there.  I was surprised I got in and out even though I was held at the airport for one hour when I arrived and questioned in a small room.  I thought I was going to be thrown in jail.  How will I ever be able to ever go back there to visit her grave?  She wouldn't have wanted to be buried there (she was a dual citizen) but then again I'm not sure.

I know she's in a better place but this monster of a disease took her life in 8 weeks.  At least she didn't suffer for too long.  She was 83 1/2 and they couldn't do anything for her.

I miss hearing her voice and having her in my life as my friend, mentor and only trusted and loved her.  I had so much to tell her while I was in the hospital with her 4 days before she passed away, but didn't want to make her uncomfortable, so I never shared it.   I knew when she told me that she was not going to get better, it was wise to not talk but I didn't know that she was going to die.  Three days later she was in ICU.  She waited for me, I know.

I found out through a contact that I met online playing backgammon on FB from Iran, that my name was not on her grave stone.  I asked him to go to the cemetery and take pictures which he did and discovered that my cousins did not engrave the message that I asked them to put on my mother's grave. 

My cousins have been brutal with me and have treated me like dirt (because they didn't inherit my mother's studio in Paris where she lived) and when I emailed them and asked them why they didn't engrave my message on my mother's grave, their response was that I didn't pay for my mother's funeral.  They are swimming in money but instead they engraved a message from my mother to her sister.  I was hurt beyond belief.  My cousins have been so spiteful and stole all her valuables.  They grew up with my mother and I, and my mother supported them for years, when I was a teenager.  They  were still free-loading off my mother by going to Paris and sleeping on her floor since she only had a studio, for about 3 months.  I told them I would pay them to have my message engraved and their response was that they would try.  I want to have my mother's remains sent back to me but there's so much red tape there and Iran hates us.  I'm totally devastated!

I believe in the "after life" and know that I will see and be with my mother again, but her passing has left a big hole in me.  I know that she has the biggest part of my heart and I carry her wherever I go, but I'm still in so much pain.  I talk to her every morning and cry.  Can anyone share something about the "Afterlife", and give me some emotional support.  Already been to grief support classes and on medication.  I would appreciate it.

Still grieving.

Desiree

Desiree

Re: My beloved mother

Dear Desiree, 

My heart goes out to you on losing your mother.  I, too, lost my mother to this terrible cancer.  She passed away a year ago last July.  She too, was my best friend.  That being said, I also struggle with the loss.  What has helped me with my grief is my belief that we will be together again one day.  My faith in Christ is what carries me. 

We all deal with grief in are own way, but at some point it can become unhealthy. I remember when my mother unexpectedly lost her husband to a heart attack, and then six months later lost her mother to cancer.  These losses were devastating to her.  I witnessed her strength during that time, even though I know she was hurting tremendously.  Even during her illness, she was so stoic.  She was teaching us that we have to go on and make the best out of whatever life throw our way.  Believe me, I know it's not easy.  I have days where I just cry off and on, and then days when I feel an incredible void in my life.  During these times, I find myself reaching out to help others.  There are so many people in need, and it's a great way to help in the healing process. 

As far as signs,  I do believe God gives us signs that our loved ones are fine.  For example, one day at work some of my co-workers were trying to come up with a name they thought I look like (I guess they don't think I look like a Mona).  One of them said you look like a "Virginia"  I looked at her and said, "that's my mother's name."  Her mouth just dropped.  She did not know my mother's name.  What are the odds she would have come up with Virginia?  May be Debbie, Linda, Susan, Patricia, etc (more current for my birth year). 

Desiree,  I pray that you will find peace and happiness again.  Your mother would want that.  Please continue the grief support classes as long as you need.  Seek healthy ways to grieve.  There are lots of resources out there.  God Bless you.  Mona

Re: My beloved mother

Desiree so sorry the anniversary is quickly approaching. I had suggested that you start a log of your Mother's 'visits' as I know you have told me before that she has been around. You have no idea how comforting it is to read that log when you feel lonely. I am up to '92 Teddy winks' in almost 3 years. When I feel lonely I just read about his visits and I know he is still with me spiritually.
Perhaps you have not seen the posts about the Book I want to do for CC to raise money for research. I was going to email you soon as there are many believers I have not heard from. It's posted under A Novel Idea. This way you have a project about your Mother to do and to keep her memory alive. I am sure the last thing she would not want is for you to still be this sad. As far as the Cemetery perhaps you could write a letter to a Politician to see if he could help get your Mother back to you.

THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME! Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My beloved mother

On Nobember 29th, it will the one year anniversary of my mother passing away.  I remember this time last year how sick she was and how she said she was a "pain" to everyone as they had to take care of her.  My response was "we love you so it doesn't matter" but she never answered.  She also talked about the "quality of life and also said that she knew she would not get better again.  Jesus took her away 3 days later to Heaven as he didn't want her to suffer any more.  At least she didn't suffer more because the nurse said that she would have gone into a Coma eventually.

Oh Mama, how much I miss you and love you.  I miss the look of love in your beaitful green eyes and how much you cared about me like no one else did in my life.  I miss hearing her voice every morning on the phone.  I feel abandoned and like an orphan.  Her spirit will always be with me and she occupies the largest part of my heart which I carry her wherever I go.  Why did this have to happen so suddenly?  This monster took her away in 8 weeks but at least she didn't suffer for longer.

Lainey, my email address is orlysud@aol.com so please feel free to write to me about "The Novel Idea" so I can keep her memory alive.  I would greatly appreciate it.

Since I've been working for the past 2 months and taking prescribed anti-depressants etc.,  it has helped me not cry as much.

I finally sold her studio in Paris, and have to go there in January and go through all my mother's belongings and decide what to ship back and what to sell.  She was an artist so all her paintings and sculptures will be shipped back plus some of her other belongings.  I was very lucky to find a buyer in 3 weeks.  It's going to be so hard to go into her studio even though I will feel her love, and so difficult to hand over the keys to the buyer as I will never be able to set foot in that studio again, after 25 years,

The French Notaire has been awful with me and she knows that I'm at her mercy because she does all the paper work, she has ignored my emails and only emails when there's something new and she avoids my phone calls.  I have so many questions but she doesn't answer.  I can't wait till this is all behind me.  I have gone through hell not only because I lost my dear mother, but with my family who have so evil with me, and the French jusdical system and red tape that I had to go through to get her studio and sell it.  It's nothing like that in the United States.

Anyway, just wanted to update anyone who was interested in my life after the death of my darling mother.

Desiree

Desiree

Re: My beloved mother

Hi Desiree, I am going to post about the book again today but will also send you an email on it. I believe it is a good thing you sold the place in France and think of it this way. It is a building and buildings have no feeling the best news is you are shipping her things HOME to YOU! Then you will have her favorite things all around you, to feel, touch and make you feel so much better. I just had a thought about the up coming anniversary. Perhaps you could do something at a Senior Home or Center. What a wonderful thing to do and maybe you could "adopt" a Grand Parent to visit and get close to. So many  feel alone as you do. I will be  posting in a bit and you can write to me anytime.

THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME! Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My beloved mother

Dear Desiree,

Good to hear from you, but sorry for what you are all having to deal with.  As I have mentioned in the past, my husband passed as quickly as your dear mother, so I do understand what you have been through, but now to have all this to deal with the French judicial system and all that involves and also unsupportive family makes it even harder for you.    Hoping you can get this all sorted out.  Keep in contact and let us know how you are doing.  Also feel free to vent on here as much as you need to. 

Thinking of you and hoping you can finally get some peace of mind.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: My beloved mother

Update
I'm still very sad and miss my beloved mother so much.  I don't enjoy anything, going out and exercising.  I'm not trying to gain pity but my life has come to a standstill.  My mother was the love of my life.  Now my aunt is is going to turn 87 but in good health so she says.  She' s in Iran and as a U.S. Citizen it's not safe for me to go there.  I went to see my mother on November 25th
and I was questioned for an hour.  I could hear my heart beating in my throat and thought I would be put in prison, but I got through. 

I only felt safe for 2 nights in the hospital when  I was with my beloved mother.  My cousin who lies, did not allow me to stay the third night and the next day she was in ICU and I was only allowed to stay with her once a day from 3-4 PM.  They didn't even check her IV.  The next day she was on life support and I wrote if she wanted to live like that and she wrote no.  Then she wrote  twice(which was hard to read) "Take me home if you love me" but I couldn't.  If you take someone off of life support how long does it take to die?  I feel so guilty about that.  She wanted to be surrounded by the family by unfortunately she died alone.  I feel so guilty and I dislike my two cousins who lied to both my mother and I plus they stole all her valuables in Paris while she was in the hospital before going to Iran.  If my cousins would have told me that she had cancer I would have never let her go there because this is an incurable disease so far.  They didn't even tell my mother because they didn't want her to be depressed.  Ivy cousins are hateful people with black hearts.  They even stole her money and forged her check.

When I left that horrific country feeling like I wanted  to die, I went to Paris and took all her documents and the Deed.  She tried to become a French citizen because she lived in Paris for 11 years, change her last name to me beloved mother's name and hire a lawyer so that she could claim that she was her child and inherit the apartment.  They refused to give me her death certificate so I had to go through the State Department because my mother was also a U.S. Citizen.  I finally got it and also had it translated in French and notarized by the French Embassy in Iran.  This took 4 months, lots of emails and phone calls.  Finally when I received it, I was able to process it as I had the Will and copies of her passports.  My cousins are extremely rich and rent an apartment instead of buying  one.

I still have nightmare's of Iran, seeing my mother yellow and so sick and telling me she wasn't going to get well.  She passed away three days later and I had to bury her with totally freaked me out.  My cousin and an official rushed to the cemetery while I was covered in my scarf in the back of the car and crying my eyes out.  When her body was buried, I wanted to throw myself into  her grave, head first. 

I lost a lot of money when selling her studio as I had to lower the price and pay 38% inheritance fee.  My family made me pay $10,000for her funeral.  Prior to that we had not spoken for a year but finally my Aunt called as she raised me.  So I sent it for my beloved mother.  My cousins are "poison."  I tried to make friends but I could never tell if they were telling me the truth or not and then when I asked what she did with the $10,000 she accused me of hurting her.  So I never want to talk to her again.  She never liked me and has anger issues.

My mother and I always spoke English to each other and we both hated Iran. So she sent me off to a boarding school in Europe and was very private.

When I was in Iran, I was so scared thinking that they would find out that I was American, and I couldn't read any of their Billboards or street names and the traffic  and smog was awful.  I almost kissed the ground when I arrived in Chicago for my transfer.  The TSA questioned me and was only there for 5 minutes - the last thing they told me was they were surprised I got in and out.

So it's so hard to forget what my mother looked like when she was deadly sick, burying her the Muslim way when she always believed in Jesus and being I a horrible country..  She passed away on November 29, 2012, and I'm still suffering from everything .

Desiree

Re: My beloved mother

Update
I'm still very sad and miss my beloved mother so much.  I don't enjoy anything, going out and exercising.  I'm not trying to gain pity but my life has come to a standstill.  My mother was the love of my life.  Now my aunt is is going to turn 87 but in good health so she says.  She' s in Iran and as a U.S. Citizen it's not safe for me to go there.  I went to see my mother on November 25th
and I was questioned for an hour.  I could hear my heart beating in my throat and thought I would be put in prison, but I got through. 

I only felt safe for 2 nights in the hospital when  I was with my beloved mother.  My cousin who lies, did not allow me to stay the third night and the next day she was in ICU and I was only allowed to stay with her once a day from 3-4 PM.  They didn't even check her IV.  The next day she was on life support and I wrote if she wanted to live like that and she wrote no.  Then she wrote  twice(which was hard to read) "Take me home if you love me" but I couldn't.  If you take someone off of life support how long does it take to die?  I feel so guilty about that.  She wanted to be surrounded by the family by unfortunately she died alone.  I feel so guilty and I dislike my two cousins who lied to both my mother and I plus they stole all her valuables in Paris while she was in the hospital before going to Iran.  If my cousins would have told me that she had cancer I would have never let her go there because this is an incurable disease so far.  They didn't even tell my mother because they didn't want her to be depressed.  Ivy cousins are hateful people with black hearts.  They even stole her money and forged her check.

When I left that horrific country feeling like I wanted  to die, I went to Paris and took all her documents and the Deed.  She tried to become a French citizen because she lived in Paris for 11 years, change her last name to me beloved mother's name and hire a lawyer so that she could claim that she was her child and inherit the apartment.  They refused to give me her death certificate so I had to go through the State Department because my mother was also a U.S. Citizen.  I finally got it and also had it translated in French and notarized by the French Embassy in Iran.  This took 4 months, lots of emails and phone calls.  Finally when I received it, I was able to process it as I had the Will and copies of her passports.  My cousins are extremely rich and rent an apartment instead of buying  one.

I still have nightmare's of Iran, seeing my mother yellow and so sick and telling me she wasn't going to get well.  She passed away three days later and I had to bury her with totally freaked me out.  My cousin and an official rushed to the cemetery while I was covered in my scarf in the back of the car and crying my eyes out.  When her body was buried, I wanted to throw myself into  her grave, head first. 

I lost a lot of money when selling her studio as I had to lower the price and pay 38% inheritance fee.  My family made me pay $10,000for her funeral.  Prior to that we had not spoken for a year but finally my Aunt called as she raised me.  So I sent it for my beloved mother.  My cousins are "poison."  I tried to make friends but I could never tell if they were telling me the truth or not and then when I asked what she did with the $10,000 she accused me of hurting her.  So I never want to talk to her again.  She never liked me and has anger issues.

My mother and I always spoke English to each other and we both hated Iran. So she sent me off to a boarding school in Europe and was very private.

When I was in Iran, I was so scared thinking that they would find out that I was American, and I couldn't read any of their Billboards or street names and the traffic  and smog was awful.  I almost kissed the ground when I arrived in Chicago for my transfer.  The TSA questioned me and was only there for 5 minutes - the last thing they told me was they were surprised I got in and out.

So it's so hard to forget what my mother looked like when she was deadly sick, burying her the Muslim way when she always believed in Jesus and being I a horrible country..  She passed away on November 29, 2012, and I'm still suffering from everything .

Desiree

Re: My beloved mother

It's 2 years and 11 months since I lost my dearest mother and I still cry every day for her.  My heart is still in pain and no one understands.  Can't talk to my 87 year old aubt about it as it wouls make her breakdown, have been to counseling, grief class, and I'm still in pain.  I wish I were with her instead of being on earth suffering. 
http://s21.postimg.org/mfy4g9kpv/image.jpg

Desiree

Re: My beloved mother

Dear Orly, I am sorry that nothing has improved for you. The picture you posted is just beautiful.

It is hard to sing of oneness when our world is not complete, when those who once brought wholeness to our life have gone. Nothing but memory can fill the emptiness their passing leaves behind.
But memory can tell us only what we were, in company with those we loved.
It cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no one is really alone; those who live no more, echo still within our thoughts and words. What they did is part of what we have become.
We pay homage to our departed when we live our lives most fully, even in the shadow of our loss.

THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME! Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My beloved mother

Hello

I was able to ship all my dear Mama's furniture and 130 paintings because the French go by space, not by weight.  But, I've had no energy to even to start selling her paintings and in Kansas, they don't understand anything about European Art.  The paintings have been in the basement for 2 years next month.  I also have a humidifier and a dehumidifier.  The only hopeful thing is that I finally decided to contact a friend who's a professional photographer and is going to give me a discount to take pictures of all my mother's paintings, so that I can email them to various galleries around the country, plus two individuals who have many connections.
I am still grieving every day and had the worst holiday.  I am surrounded by her pictures in my office and feel her love.  But I cry every day and it's now been 3 years and 3 months.  I lie on my mother's couch and watch TV like she use to.
I feel so much pain and want to be with my dear Mama, so badly.  She was my World and my Hero and only trusted her with my life- I could talk to her about anything.  But now I only have my 88 year old Aunt, whom I cannot stress out plus I don't trust her even though I love her.  She was very close and of course affected by my mother's death too, and has not been the same, like me. Nobody wants to listen to my problems and they are no longer in my life.  I've "cleaned house", or let's say, eliminated people that expect me to "get over it."
Nothing in life makes me happy or joyous.  I have tried therapy, but they don't have any experience in "Grief" so they were of no help.  I don't drive so I can only get around on my bike when the weather is nice.  I could of course always take the bus.
I haven't listened to music for over three years because it makes me cry. 
I went biking yesterday in the trails for the first time in months because it was 70 degrees, but that was just yesterday.  That always kicks in the Endorphins and helps me out, plus I can talk to my mother and cry out loud.  I'll have to wait until we have more nice days to bike again, but I believe we'll have an early Spring. 
I have been reading about "Afterlife Signs" and I truly believe in it.  Yesterday, I took a selfie out in the trails and strangely enough, there was a white straight line right above my head.  Wonder what that means? 
Anyway, for now I'm fine alone as Mama's Spirit is with me, and I don't need friends because they don't understand.  I would rather be alone and text if necessary.  Once in while I'll get together with a friend who does understand.  This Spring, weather permitting,  I'll be out more often on my bike in the trails alone, knowing that my mother's Spirit is with me and therefore not feeling alone....does that make sense?
I have a feeling that I know what caused my mother to have this monster of a disease.  She was an artist and when she moved into a studio, she painted in the corner with oil paints for 25 years and sometimes used her fingers instead of a brush, without ventilation, except for the windows.  Paint is toxic and cancerous but it took me three years to figure out that it could have been a possibility.  The fumes alone from the paint are toxic to breathe in, let alone using your fingers.  Oh Mama, why, why why did you not figure that out or why did I not realize it?  She asked me, "how did I get so sick?" and I told her that I didn't know.  Now it's too late to tell her sad   Maybe, it was from something else, who knows.
This world has spent so much money on cancer and although there have been improvements, there's still not a cure.  Chemo is a killer on its own-too bad it couldn't only go to the cancer and not the rest of the body.  My mother had no chemo, radiation or surgery due to her age, 83 1/2.  She just withered away in 8 weeks with a brain tumor too.  She had her mind in ICU and wrote twice on a piece of paper "Take me home if you love me."  How could I if she was intubated and had tubes going into every opening in her body plus a blood transfusion as her stomach split open at the end.  I feel so guilty about it and the friggin hospital overseas would only let me see her for one hour a day, so she died alone........now I'm crying!
http://s22.postimg.org/hk9skgehp/IMG_0080.jpg

Desiree

Re: My beloved mother

Dear Desiree, It is good to hear from you but I am unhappy that you are still in this deep dark hole. We have been together, you and I for a few years now and I wish I knew how to get you to enjoy life once more. I am sure that the happy, gregarious, caring and talented Mom of yours wishes she too could tell you how much she would love to see you laughing. Our loved ones so want to see us happy. My own interpretation of the single line streak in the sky is Mom telling you that everything is like a coma. She would love to paint you a really crooked and happy looking line not a flat line. I agree with you about people who really don't care, probably not worth the friendship or perhaps have never lost a loved one. I remember how you love to ride your bike and that makes you and me both happy. Music! By not listening to music you are probably missing some of your Mom's favorite music which is one way of contacting you.
I can't remember if you ever asked me for the signs that loved ones are around us. If you would like a copy just e mail me and I will send it to you. Honestly, knowing how my husband would want me to be, well, that is what I strive for to please him. I would imagine that to take on the project of Mom's paintings would be a BIG project but she would be very proud of you for doing that and to get the world to someday know her. I wish you the very best, and hope you will come to a time that you want that for yourself as well. Best of everything to you!

THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME! Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My beloved mother

Thank you Lainy for your quick response and your feedback.  It's so nice to talk to someone who understand you.  I had a terrible PTSD episode yesterday and I though I was going to go crazy.  Today, I'm feeling a little better but I had to reschedule my doctor's appointment  today as I didn't have my blood work done .  I dislike fasting but have to have it done.  So I promised myself that I would do it tomorrow and rescheduled to see my Primacy Care Physician on Saturday morning.  I have a depression known as " complicated grief" which only Columbia Univeristy in NYC have sessions for that condition.  It's a 14 session class over a 4 month period but I can't afford to stay in NYC for 4 months.  Therapists have to go there to take a class and get certified to treat patients with that condition.  The closet one to me is in St Joseph, Missouri, but I can't get there once a week.  There's no one in the entire state of Kansas that is certified for this therapy. 
I would very much appreciate if you could send me a copy of the signs that loved ones are around.  I think you have my email address but if not, it's orlysud@aol.com.  My memory is not good at all and having to give medication to two sick 13 year old kitties every morning and evening which has been hard on me.  One kitty, Sasha is diabetic and I have to give one unit of Insulin twice a day, kidney disease, high blood pressure and a heart murmur.  Plus, he has a number of medications that I have to give him on a daily basis - He's my Angel and it breaks my heart that he's sick.  His sister, Sophie was diagnosed last November 2015, with the most treatable cancer in cats, small cell lymphoma, in her stomach, colon and small intestines, so she has chemo every two weeks at the vet & I give her daily meds as well.  They give her a maximum of up to two years.  They're like my babies. I have has nothing but bad luck.    My mom's art hasn't sold at the gallery, then they took them down for another showing by students who just graduated from one of our universities, but they'll go back up in March.  I'm going to have my friend the professional photographer go to the gallery and take pictures of them as well.  She'll edit the pictures (about 120 paintings) and put them on my computer so that I can email them to various museums and galleries on the west and east coasts.  Then I'm praying that I will be able to sell them. It really bothers me that my dear mother's paintings are all in the basement and not on someone's wall.  I'm going to do everything in my power to sell them.  My cousins stole all of my mother's CD's and left behind her cassettes that I have no means of listening to.  They just left one CD which was by Frank Sinatra.  Isn't that just so cruel?   They are greedy liars who are so rich and could have bought a copy themselves. But since they're so tight with their money, they rather steal them instead of allowing the daughter to have them.  When I needed financial help, they said they didn't have money.  I didn't get that much from selling my mother's studio as the French Notaires charged me for so many various things and 33.33% inheritance tax for foreigners.  Then I treated myself by going to San Francisco and loved it even though I was in such pain as my mother and I went together the last time, many many years ago.  My partner that I live with has been through so many losses so I'm expected to get over my loss and not talk about it.  But I don't really have a family, just my 88 year old Aunt.  Although my partner does a lot for me and takes care of me, I've become super sensitive and we are opposites, so I get yelled at when I don't agree.  It's been very hard on me.  Then the financial issues as our cats which are like or babies are costing us a fortune, so we argue about that too.  Anyway, I just spend my afternoons in the office online.  Thank you for listening to me and taking the time to write me back right away.  You have been a "God send" and understand me. I look forward to receiving that copy.    I have a book called "Signs from the Afterlife" by Lyn Ragan, have you read it?  All my best to you dear Lainy.

Desiree

Re: My beloved mother

Desiree, I cannot thank you enough for answering my note to you for several reasons. First of all by being so open about your state of mind you are posting how to get help even though distant but it may help someone else in your situation. It also explains why you are having such a hard time. Please know that every step forward that you take is a BIG step and is making your Mom very proud of you.
Next and this is strictly my own opinion on the cats. I had to put my dog to sleep at 13 years old.  The Vet had said that I had to look at it as doing the kind and considerate thing for her in a way thanking her for all she had done for me. I could not bear to see her suffer and for what? To me, that is selfish!
I have not read that book about the beyond but my interest began with Sylvia Browne whose first 2 books were all about the beyond and it all made perfect sense to me. I just find so much comfort in believing. I also began changing words. Instead of saying Teddy passed I say he has relocated. Passed? Passed through a wall a window? To me relocated does not seem as harsh. I did have one person say they were sorry they didn't know we got divorced. Cracked me up as I do love humor. She was serious that was the funny part.
San Francisco! my favorite city. Love it and the good memory of going there with Teddy.
I am sending you the list of signs which I know you will love as some things will make you say, oh I saw that!
My newest  thing that I am falling in love with is the statement I now make to Teddy, "Thank you for loving me". Enjoy the list,

THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME! Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My beloved mother

Thank you again Lainy.  Actually, Sophie is in no pain what-so-ever, otherwise, I would never let her suffer.  In fact, she's responding well to the Chemo & Prednisone.  A cat's age is different from a dog's age too, I'm sure you're aware of it.  Sasha is also not suffering because he's responding well to all his medications and even plays.  Very smart cat too.  They're both Siamese Appplehead (not pointed) cats.  Sasha is white with a gray face and has gorgeous blue eyes, but not as blue as when he was younger, and Sophie is a Seal Point color with beautiful blue eyes too.  If they're comfortable, then I'm comfortable. 
I'm glad if I can help someone else on this site by expressing my pain and accomplishments if any, but it's in my blood to be open and honest about what's going on in my life and my reactions.  Thank you for the compliment and giving me some hope.
I miss my Mama and do listen to her recordings while she was hospitalized, once in a while as it's painful but at the same time great to hear her beautiful voice.  But I have one video of her when she was healthy in her kitchen in Paris while she was cooking (she was the best cook in the world) and we were both going to fly together to Kansas.  It was taken in 2006 which was the beginning of this disease but only noticeable because her stomach was a little big.  She was looking forward to the trip, until she got here.  Big difference between Paris and Kansas.  But that wasn't just it...it was my partner's jealousy of my mother's relationship between us which was so strong, and as a result it seemed like my partner put a wedge between my Mama and I.  So, I didn't spend as much time as I should have and I will regret that for the REST OF MY LIFE. 
It happened both times she came here.  I just wish I could make it up to her and want to see and be with her.  I know that I will see her again.  I speak to her sometimes in my mind sometimes  out loud.  She was just so special, and I could see her love for me in her gorgeous green eyes and how much she cared for me.  She was so kind and generous to me, but my Aunt and her two evil adult children took advantage of her and just flew to Paris uninvited, and took up her studio for three months at a time.  They were and still are, swimming in money and could have checked into a hotel which was literally smack next door, but no, they had to be free-loaders and they still are but with other people.  My mother didn't want to say anything but after a month she would tell me that it was getting too much but didn't have the courage to say something.  The cousins are so evil, that they didn't even ask me what I wanted to do with my mother's body after she passed away and just arranged to have her buried and made me pay 10K when I inherited a little money.  My mother gave her 7K wedding ring to my cousin to cover the cost of her hospitalization plus they stole about 30-40,000 Euros.  And now I can never visit her grave because she' sin Tehran, nor bring her remains back.  How insensitive and evil of my cousins.  My mother was a dual citizen and the State Department was unable to assist me because of their laws.  My mother was Christian!  I should stop as it's going to make me cry. 
Thank you again Lainy for your support and I appreciate your understanding so much.  It means a lot to me and gives me some hope.  Yes, I should also say, "Thank you Mama for loving and caring for me all my life."
Thank you for sending me the list and I hope we keep in touch.  I'm not really good at writing, but I will try my best to keep you updated.  Due to my complicated grief, my memory is not good at all, so I become forgetful.  If I repeat myself, it's because I forgot that I already told you.
Bless your heart----Desiree

Desiree