Topic: Grief vs Holidays

I saw this on a news station and felt it was pretty right on for a lot of us.

Grief-stricken can have a hard time balancing the merry with the mourning.
Words such as jolly, cheery and bright infiltrate the season between Thanksgiving and New Year's, but those who have lost a dear friend or family member during this time are left with the antitheses of good tidings, comfort and joy -- an annual reminder that their holiday celebration is missing a very important person. Even the brightest holiday lights can't dull the grief of losing a loved one. If you're grieving, your natural, healthy and necessary emotional process runs contrary to what's around you. People don't understand just because you're going through grief doesn't mean that you must be, or will be, sad every single day throughout the holidays, the most vital piece of advice for those in a similar situation is to give yourself permission to grieve. Grief is this amazing process of our ability to handle tragedy it doesn't make grief so foreign, mysterious and negative.
If you don't want to come out of your room for a day or two, that's acceptable, but, after two weeks, if you're not able to muster up the strength to do basic tasks, it might be useful to talk to a professional.
Do not be afraid of the wave of powerful emotions; do not continually push away feelings of sadness. One of the best things you can do is, if you need a cry, you cry, you will not be crying for days on end. It's important to redefine the holiday period as a memorial.
When we have the family time, it's less of we have to get together and more of we want to get together.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Grief vs Holidays

The sadness is overwhelming.  I have not lost my mom yet, but in many ways I feel that I have lost her - the healthy her.  Her health has declined rapidly, so much so that it's almost unbelievable.  I am so sad and so scared and as much as I am sad at the loss I will be facing, I'm also horribly sad that she has to go through this hell.  Seeing the decline and the changes and just imagining what she must be feeling is almost worse than the sadness I feel about losing her.  At the same time, I am trying to be strong for her and in front of her when is really want to lay in bed myself and just cry.  I feel as if I'm living in this dazed-like state.  This is an absolute nightmare.  I have a 3 year old that I want to have a happy holiday so I am also trying to be strong for her.  What a terribly cruel disease this is...I wish no one had to face this or suffer at its hands.

Re: Grief vs Holidays

Great post Lainy. 

Moneil,

I am so sorry for what you are having to deal with.  Especially now during the holidays.   I totally know what you are feeling.  There are many different kinds of loss.  I lost my husband to CC and shortly after my parents started to spiral into decline, dealing with many issues both physically and mentally.  They are 87 and like you I feel that I have already lost them too.  They are not the same people they were before all of the health issues they are dealing with.   I think losing someone to CC is about the worst thing that I have ever had to deal with, but watching my parents slowly declining so soon after is not easy either.

I'm hoping you will stay strong and be able to make it a nice holiday for your 3 year old, yourself and the rest of your family. 

Take care.  Thinking of you.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Grief vs Holidays

Moneil, I totally agree with all that you said but in my mind you perhaps want to make this a Christmas to remember along with lots of pictures of Grandma and Granddaughter. Doesn't have to be fancy, over the top just the family being together making memories. I remember everyone called my Teddy Mr. Christmas. He would start in October by building his rather large Village and end in December making some Sicilian favorites like, calamari marinara and Octopus Salad.  No I wouldn't eat that but his Grandkids sure loved them. Can't deny how much he is missed.
Perhaps you can make some of Mom's favorite things and involve the little one in making some cookies that and love will make for a beautiful Christmas. Wishing you the best and we are all here if you need us!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Grief vs Holidays

Hi Lainy,

You sure did hit the nail on the head with me. I am having a very hard time this year. I feel nothing really brings me joy. I miss Lauren more than I ever imagined and I think about her all the time. I talk to her all the time too and have had many winks from her!! I am mourning the loss of her and the loss of our happy family. It seems all of us are trying to be happy, but just not quite making it happen. I sure hope time will heal our deep, tremendous pain in our hearts. I am so sorry for all of you that have lost loved ones or have loved ones that are sick or if you are the one with this cancer. It is such a cruel disease. I hope in my lifetime a cure is found. Bless you all and know that I think of all of you often.

Love,
-Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: Grief vs Holidays

And it goes without saying Pam, that we miss you too. Pam I was sure you would have a hard time especially for the 1st. The first of everything is hard but I have found lately as time goes by, and this is weird, I don't cry as often but when I do its a whopper! Pam we love hard and its hard to loose family and a husband/wife but honestly I don't think anything compares to loosing a child. I hope you find the strength to celebrate the holidays as Lauren would like you too. Love you!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Grief vs Holidays

I know I didn't lose a loved one, but my depression this year is horrible. I always try to be so upbeat, but it can't seem to get there anymore. I'm crying all the time and I don't know why. I'm not consciously thinking "poor me" or "poor anyone", so I don't know WHY I'm so emotional.
And reading some of the posts is even harder than ever. Even good news sets me off and grabbing tissues.
It's so bad I'm thinking of going back on Xanax, but don't really want to.
I know it's because I'm lonely, and this board is my only outlet for my feelings. I don't want to write in detail on my caringbridge site, because there are so many people that will worry if they read something like this.

KrisJ
"Don't just have minutes in the day; have moments in time."
Any opinions I give are based on personal experiences, and are not based on medical knowledge. I strongly suggest receiving medical care and opinions.

Re: Grief vs Holidays

Kris, time to plan for a little trip! We can commiserate together. Sometimes I just know its the Meds and we can't help it. Cookie, you sound like perhaps you should try the picker upper again, don't let it get more out of hand! AND you better be practicing cause we deff have Karaoke here. LUV U

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.