• Registered: Sat, 09 Dec 2006
  • Posts: 514

Topic: 11 months ago today I lost my mother

The 22nd of each month is a painful anniversary and now it will be my first Christmas without her. My daughter's 5th birthday is Dec. 26th and it will be her first birthday without "Grandma Fifi," her favorite person in the world.

Life goes on for everyone, but not for me. I can't imagine her not being here with me, sharing everything with me. I didn't believe it was possible to feel so alone, so alone, even though I am lucky enough to have wonderful loved ones. My mother, my stepfather, my 15 yr old dog - all gone within 3 years. And my father died a week after my mother.

And now I'm expected to act happy and celebrate Xmas with a bunch of strangers - my husband's family, very nice people but they'll never be family like my mother and stepfather were. All those celebrations in the past are supposed to be swept aside so I can start over but I don't WANT to start over without her. I would give anything to have her back, healthy and whole, with her big Stonehenge teeth and E.T. fingers and sarcastic comments. She and I both found the Christmas season and lack of sunlight depressing - but at least we shared our depression together and had each other and could make each other laugh. Now I'm the last Scrooge standing and I can't ruin everyone's fun by remembering last Christmas and how my mom's eyes started turning yellow that day and I knew it was a very bad sign. She said she was proud of herself for forcing herself to go Christmas shopping, but she had to get something for her kids and granddaughter since it was her last Christmas. And we all told her that it wouldn't be her last Xmas, and I was the only one who really knew that it would be.

My mom and I had such a deep connection that we used to share the same dreams. I was having a series of nightmares when I was in my 20's and she told me I should try to control them with the force of my mind, but I couldn't do it like she could. Then, one night, I didn't have any nightmares and she told me SHE had a dream that turned into a nightmare, and she told the monster in the dream, "You're the monster that's been terrorizing my daughter in her sleep - get lost!!" And I didn't have the nightmares anymore.

Who else in your life can enter your nightmares for you and banish them? How can you ever get over such a loss?

I'm not looking for an answer, I just needed to write some of my feelings down. There ARE no answers, anyway - just this blank void.

2 Reply by JeffG (edited by JeffG Sat, 22 Dec 2007 16:01:34)

  • JeffG
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  • From: Kansas
  • Registered: Mon, 16 Oct 2006
  • Posts: 1,242

Re: 11 months ago today I lost my mother

Dear Joyce,
Don't sweep them away!  Let them live on in your memories forever.  No there are no true answers why things happen the way they do in life.  If you have a chance , make a toast to their truely loving memories and precious souls.  Don't let them be a blank/ void my dear.  My Dad has passed and I will never forget or void him from my life.  I called my Mom last week. She is still alive but no longer knows who I am, due to final stages of parkinsons and dimentia. All I wanted to say is I loved her dearly and Merry Christmas.  You know, I said it  anyway! She will not be a void.  Maybe the christmas photo I sent will jog her memory even for a second.
May God Bless You and help you through these trying times!
Jeff

Take it to the Limit,One More Time! (Eagles)

3 Reply by marions (edited by marions Sun, 23 Dec 2007 21:57:42)

  • Registered: Fri, 12 May 2006
  • Posts: 8,165

Re: 11 months ago today I lost my mother

Dear Joyce,

Thank you for sharing your feelings.  The grieving process has no set time, so all of us; work with it as best we can.  Holidays are especially hard, as those are the days we look forward to, and we recall them as being some of the most joyful times, in our lives.  I wonder though, whether people around you expect you to be happy, or whether you are self-imposing some of these expectations from others, onto you.  This is a difficult time, as it is for many of us; surely people around you will understand just that, and they will give you the space needed, and have an understanding for you. 

It is hard moving forward without the ones we loved so dearly, but every day is another day to live, another day to remember, and another day to build memories for those who count on us being in their lives.  There is no room for bargaining here, our loved ones left this world and we are still to stay.  I believe they wish for us to be happy again and to share the joy of life as they had experienced it, also. 

Sometimes, when overcome with grieving, we have a tendency to overshadow the wonderful moments shared with the people we loved so much.  It is very difficult to do, but it has worked for me more times then not, by trying to match up a wave of sorrow with a joyful moment of rememberance. 

And remember, you are not alone with your feelings as I for one will be thinking of you, and I am sure for there to be plenty of others joining me in wishing for you a peaceful Holiday. 

Also, I have watched Caroline Stouffer's video and it was very comforting and uplifting.  Thank you Caroline.

Hugs
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER
  • Registered: Sat, 19 May 2007
  • Posts: 142

Re: 11 months ago today I lost my mother

Joyce-I think Marion is right and she said it all just the way I would want to but rarely can form my thoughts that well.  All of us in your cc group hold you tight to help you through the holidays.  We all need a little help at times.  Patrice

  • From: Bath, Pennsylvania
  • Registered: Sun, 02 Sep 2007
  • Posts: 113

Re: 11 months ago today I lost my mother

My Friend Joyce,

I am always here for you and I understand now more than ever how difficult this time must be for you. Only having lost Dad 8 days before Christmas, I cannot imagine what I will feel like next year. This year, my heart told me he wouldn't be here, so for me, I never prepared to celebrate Christmas. I never shopped, I never decorated, actually I never gave it much thought.
I did have Wooden Rocking Horses made for my 2 Grandson's, and each of those were branded with "In Loving Memory of Great GrandPop Holden" in the hopes of starting a tradition. My Hopes are to see these horses passed down through the years. I am having a Cherry Wood one made for myself, that will have his Photo, Birth Date and Date of Death on them as well as some remembrance from me to him. I guess this is how I am grieving his loss. I also started a Memorial Site in his honor, and that is helping me tremendously. I miss him more each day, and this week has been the hardest for me. It is so quiet here without him, and at night when I close my eye's, I hear him screaming for help as he did the last night, an find myself running to him. I am hoping time will let that memory fade, as it is haunting me so.

I understand what you are feeling, especially during the holiday season. I am hoping that in time, I will just remember the Christmases shared, and all the joy they bought me with Dad's Santa Clauss spirit. He was such a giving person with such a huge heart.

I am here for you always when you need an ear to listen. I know I haven't had the time to post much, and I am trying so hard to catch up with everyone here on this board.

Much Love and Hugs Coming Your Way from PA.
Love Lisa

Lisa Ann's Website