Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice (Page 1 of 23)

Pauline,

I can hear the pain in your voice, my mother is gone 3 weeks now and her absence is palpable, how do you replace the person that filled the house, the person that everyone picked up the phone to call?

There are so many decisions to make with this disease and everyone on this discussion board has regrets but the fact of the matter is that we all did the best we could with the information available at the time so give yourself a break on that one.

Pauline, even if you are not religious, I still encourage you to talk to your husband, you need to get it out one way or the other. I am lucky to have lots of brothers and sisters and my Dad and you have your daughter, maybe you can make a list of silly things to do with her that your husband would have enjoyed, maybe you can live for him.

Patty

Dear Pauline,

So very sorry that your soul mate has moved on.  Please be kind to yourself, he would not want you beating yourself up.  Anthony knows that you did your very best for him.  You and your daughter need to lean on each other through this terrible grieving time.  Perhaps getting involved in CC fighting down the road will be just the ticket to help fill your time.  You may not be religious, but I will lift you and your daughter in prayer.
Karen

Dear pauline,  My sincere condolences for you and your daughter.  I agree with Patty.  Religous or not, if you feel you need to talk to your husband, I would find a quiet peaceful place and talk until your heart is a little lighter.  If the table was turned, I certainly would do so.  I talk to my Dad and Grammie now and then.  Even if it is just to say I love you and miss you.  I've even asked them to keep an eye out for me and if they can, lead me through my journey where ever it may be headed.  God's strenght and unconditional love.

God bless,
Jeff G.

Thank you so much all of you for your support and sympathy. It is very helpful, especially because I know that you do really undestand how I feel more than most people.
I  know I tried my very best to support my husband but I feel very dissatisfied at my efforts. I now look back at the delays, for example, in getting started on treatment after the radiotherapy in February and , while I know it is really the system which is at fault, I can see ways in which I should have done more to speed things up. Every one, including Anthony, thought I was doing a really good job but all I can now see are my weaknesses and that may be he would still be alive if I had pushed them harder. Anthony trusted me completely and I think he felt safer knowing I was fighting for him but I just feel that I have failed him. I undestand, objectively, that it is the lack of research and funding for treatments for this disease which is the real problem but I suppose the up shot of this is that those of us who find ourselves in the position of advocate and carer for someone we love with this disease is that it becomes our responsibility to find a way through it for them, to enable them to live as long and as well as possible. I used to think I was doing a pretty good job but all that has changed in my mind. I clearly wasn't good enough.
Yes, Teresa, it is the things we can't change that seem to make life so unbearable and I know that they will remain inside me for ever. What I can't see is how to live with this pain.
I know Tony won't leave me completely and I also imagine what he might say to me now but without him here nothing seems to make any sense.
Thank you again, everyone, for your support. I hope to find a way to contribute to the on going fight for other sufferers with this disease.

Dear Pauline, Everything you feel is what I am feeling already and we are not at that dire point yet. Anthony's life was taken out of your hands when he was diagnosed with this monster. There is NOTHING more you could have done. To be there with him, to be a loving wife and partner, you did the best you could do and thats all anyone can ask. Teddy is always apologizing to me for the way he is now and it breaks my heart. What's worse is I know down the road what he is really going to have to face. Everyone keeps telling me what a fabulous job I am doing and if they ever needed an advocate they would call me. Yeah, well, they are not walking in my shoes or yours. Family and friends come and go, they see a smiling Teddy but they don't spend almost 7*24 with him. You must know that you did all you could and in the most timely manner you could.
For those who have already gone through the worse, could this painful aftermath be that our burden has lifted and it has left a "Caretaker" void in our lives? Not just because it was a loved one but we were so busy we had no time to think and now it is just emptiness. I don't know I am just rambling on here, one of my down days, I guess. But as time goes on you will find the strength to remember the good times and to carry on as that is what an Anthony would want. I know as I am married to a Salvatore!

Thank you for taking the time to reply. This does really help. I was thinking today about how Tony used to say to me that he felt more sorry for me in all of this because I would have to deal with the aftermath. Instead of seeing myself solely in the role of carer with all the responsibility that entails I am beginning to see that what we went through we went through together, that when he suffered I suffered as well and that when he died a large part of me died as well. The small part that remains is now having to deal with that aftermath which seems an impossible task. I'm not saying this to feel sorry for myself but rather to try to come to terms with the part of me that keeps punishing and tormenting myself. Does this make sense to anyone?
Pauline

Thank you Lainy and Joyce and Carol,
I am still tormented by all the things that might have been , the "if only I had...." and I don't suppose this will ever go away. I am also starting to do the only thing that makes any sense at the moment which is trying to help others on this site to find their way through their frightening journey with this disease in the least difficult way possible.
With very best wishes to you
            Pauline

Hi Darla...  Thanks for sharing.  My sincere condolences for the loss of Jim.  Please feel free to jump in when your ready.  We welcome you to a very supportive site.  Loosing a loved one to such a horrible disease and sometimes with little or no warning, is so emotionally challenging.  Darla, remembering those special loving moments will help.  And always remember whay Jim would say to you right noe, something very supportive I'm sure.

God Bless,
Jeff G.

Dear Darla
I am so sorry about the loss of Jim. So hard to bear, such pain,
so many tears.
I too lost my son Alan in just 8 weeks, so swift and sudden.
No time to catch a breath, no time to think, only just do.
The seasons change and I often ponder about how some go so quick and others linger much longer.

So many more at this moment in time, all with memories and so many what if's.
We are all here at any time to read, write and respond.
Tied together for ever, what is it that makes this cc so unique.?

My love to all at this sad time love and light Alan's mom

Darla,
    I undestand everything you are going through and think of you during these terrible days and nights.
   It is six weeks today since Anthony died. I miss him unbearably and feel so alone without him. I go through everything that happened in those last few weeks and months in my mind over and over again. I try to do things to fill in time like get photographs enlarged and framed or make an albumn and then I realise again that he is never coming back and it all overwhelms me once more.
I am going to Italy tomorror for 6 days because we used to go there a lot and loved it so much. I think I'm just searching for him but I know I'm just going to keep on crying. All I can see ahead are empty expanses of time that have to be filled and it seems unbearable.
      I too have found a great deal of support on this site both during Anthony's illness and coming on here each day gives me some sense of perspective. The idea that we may be able to help other sufferers of this disease is one of the things that keeps me engaged with life and I hope it will do the same for you.
     I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and am crying with you.
Pauline

Pauline...have a safe trip to Italy accompanied by the loving memories of Anthony.  My thoughts are with you.
Marion

Pauline,

I am glad you went to Tuscany. It sounds like it was a good thing for you to do. I know what you mean about all the memories, but I like you still relive the last few days & wonder if things could have been said & done differently.  It has now been 3 1/2 weeks & it is still very hard, some days it seems like it has been forever & others like it was yesterday. I do try to remember all the good times & hope to be strong enough to do what you did & revisit some of the places we spent time together in happier healthier days some day.  I'm sure it was rather bittersweet, feeling closer to him in some ways & missing him so much at the same time. I know exactly how you are feeling.  It is the little things (like picking up the car) that really get to you. Everyone says things will get better with time. Right now that is hard to imagine.  I just keep remembering what my daughter-in-law said shortly after Jim passed. He is no longer here, but he will be in your heart forever. I try to hold on to that. Pauline, please keep in touch maybe together we can be stronger.  My thoughts & prayers are with you.

Darla