Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Hello to all my friends,

     I am looking forward to the day when we can all meet somewhere - it would be wonderful. Darla, I am so glad that you and your friend have each other for company and freindship - I don't know what I would do without my friends here. Tomorrow I am going on a bus to the Philadelphia flower show, with two of my friends that I met through the bereavement group. I still attend those meetings - tonight , as a matter of fact - 1st Monday of the monthy.

     It is a "Wisconsin" winter here in upstate New York, also - we got out worst storm of the winter last week - 18 inches of new fallen snow - I hope it was the last bad snowfall of the season - we always get one in the middle of March, however, and that is the last hurrah!

     I agree with Janet about the parallel universe - time does pass oddly now, I think. For the most part, though, it is picking up speed - they say it does, as we grown older!

     I am interested in hearing about SUe's holdiay - hope she has a great time!

     Pauline - I hope the time in Italy was good for you, and that you returned to work rested. I know it is difficult for you to go there without Anthony, but it sounds like such a lovely pace that I hope it brings you peace to be there.

Love - Joyce

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Hi everyone,
                I hope you are all ok! I have been working very hard and have had a horrible dull headache for the last 5 days that just won't go away so that's getting me down a bit because it's hard to work well and very hard to sleep. I can't even have a relaxing glass of wine at the end of a hard day!
               Spring might be finally on the way here. We have had some sunshine and the weather is just a little milder. The spring flowers are late though! It will be a relief to get this hard winter over. I feel as though I have been hibernating for months and months!
             About that get together. You could all come over to Tuscany in the summer! It is very beautiful and relaxing and I will be there throughout the month of August. So, what do you say? I know it's a long way, especially for you , Janet, but what a chat we would have!!
          Take care everyone!
                 Love
                   Pauline

528 (edited by Darla Mon, 29 Mar 2010 08:49:29)

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Hello Everyone,

Yes, it has been another long hard winter for all of us (except for Janet who is just now getting into fall & winter) although I know Janet that you have had to deal with some stressful things recently and I hope that things have settled down some for you now.  Hopefully with spring and summer on the way it will give us all a boost.  Pauline, I hope your headaches have disappeared and you too are feeling better.  Spending some time relaxing with all of you in Italy would be just great.  It would be wonderful if we could figure out how to accomplish that.  Some time in Tuscany sounds so nice.  One of my favorite movies is "Under The Tuscan Sun".  What an adventure.  And yes it would be a great chat.  We all would have so much to say & to share. 

Joyce, has your weather improved any?  Here it had been unseasonable warm, then back to a week of cold & windy (atleast NO MORE SNOW!!!!) It is all gone and it looks like we may even get into the 70's this week.  I can't wait!

Sue, what have you been up too?  Hope things are going well for you.

Everyone take care and keep in touch it is nice to check in from time to time & see how everyone is doing.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Dear everyone,
                     I can't believe it is so long since I posted on here. I thought it was just a few weeks ago! I keep so busy that I lose track of time and do tend to forget when things happened and when I did things. This isn't good and I must work at it!
                      I hope you are all ok. I am alright but do just keep busy and still can't think beyond the short term. The future frightens me so I just carry on filling time, with something in my mind seeming to tell me that Anthony hasn't really gone and that he will be back. I suppose I still can't believe that the world can really go on without him. I still look for him in crowded places because it seems that, if so many people are there, then he must be there too.
                  Last night was the first time I have spent a general election night without Anthony. He would have been there with me expressing his views and discussing it all with me. I watched it all alone and tried to imagine what he would have been saying. I hate the fact that the world still goes on and that he misses so much - it is so unfair! He kept predicting this huge crisis of capitalism and never lived to see how it would unfold.
                  Work is still my life line and I often spend several hours a day travelling by train to get to Leicester, where I do a lot of my work. One positive thing is that I have forced myself to get back into reading again. For so long I found myself saying to people that I couldn't concentrate to read. Eventually, I decided just to force myself and it has worked. I still lose concentration while reading so it is a slow process but I am sticking with it because otherwise I think my mind will turn to mush! So far the books have to include themes of death and grief that I can relate to!
                   Anyway, enough about me. How are you Darla, Joyce, Sue, Janet and everyone? I an thinking of you all!
                    Take care!
                      Love
                       Pauline

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Hi Pauline,  (and everyone else, too)  smile

Glad to see your post and want to let you know that it is amazing that everything you said is exactly how I have been feeling, too.  All of it!  Stick with the reading, I was the same way, but have been able to concentrate a little longer of late.  I do read a little light fiction, but tend to lean towards those same subjects as you.

It really is hard to imagine that the world can go on without our husbands in it. It really is not fair, but I guess life isn't fair. So, we carry on day by day keeping busy and not dwelling too much on the future.  Just know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.  You have helped me so much and I hope I have been a little bit of help to you too along the way.

I hope everyone else is doing OK. I too think of you all so often.  Everyone take care.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Hi there everyone,
                           Where has the time gone?it is not quite the same is it?I find time going very quickly but then I lie awake at night going over and OVER all those awful times just before Joel died.Sometimes I cant remember how old I am,seriously I have to think because it is as if time has been frozen yet is rushing ahead.
     This cc site has been so great for me though,I feel as if I have made a whole lot of penfriends and I apreciate that.
  Pauline,I dont wonder you missed Anthony with that election of yours.I missed Joel,he had a degree in politics and he would go on and on about it all and I only listened with 1 ear,now I  miss his ramblings!
  Now you are all heading into summer and me into winter.
                                                          love from     Janet

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Hya all I often pop in on here to see how you are all coping.
I hope I dont offend anyone on this site but I know how great you are.

As you know I lost my lovely young son in just 8 short weeks in 2006.
At that time I had been told my husband had about 18 months to live.
This was due to 56 years of diabetes, kidney failure.
At 3.00am this morning I lost him. He had survived an extra 18 months.
It has been so awful having to grieve and deal with Alan whilst at the same time doing the rounds and routine of hospitals. I am totally worn out and now have to start grieving again. I feel so sad and tired. love and light teresa Alan's mom

U.K.Member

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Dear Teresa,

I am so sorry you have now also lost your dear husband.  I know from your posts how much you love & miss Alan and now to go through all of this and lose him too is so heartbreaking.  You have my deepest condolences.  As with Alan, he too will always be with you in your heart and your memories and now he and Alan are together once again.  I know that right now that may not be a whole lot of comfort, but we are all here for you just as you are for all of us.  Take all the time you need to grieve now for them both and try to take care of yourself.  You need all the strength you can gather to get you through this.  You are in my thoughts and prayers Teresa.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Dear Teresa....my heart goes out to you in this very difficult time.  I agree with Darla in that we are here for you.  Please, do not worry about offending anyone because, it is not possible to do so.  I am wishing for strength and that the lights will shine again for you, in your life.
Much love coming your way,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Teresa,what a terrible time you have had,losing your son and then your husband more recently.I hope you have  some really good friends on hand and we internet types are here,we have a lot of experience between us particularly on the loss of husbands.
        So please connect here for anything we can do to help                  Janet   x

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Dear Teresa - I am so, so sorry to hear of your second such painful loss.  Please keep coming back & talking to us.  You are SO welcome.

My thoughts are with you.
Julia x

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician."

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Dear Teresa,
                  I am so sorry to hear that you have now lost your husband as well as your son. The sadness in life is so hard to bear and you are having to bear so much. You have been a great support to all of us and now we are here for you, understanding how you feel and ready to help in any way we can.
               You sound completely exhausted with all you have been through. Please try to get some rest. You have given so much and I'm sure your support helped your husband to carry on for that extra 18 months. I am pleased you had that time together and hope there will be lots of lovely memories for you to cherish as time goes on.
              I am thinking of you at this time.
                   Please take care. I hope you have a lot of support around you.
                          With love
                             Pauline

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Hello everyone,
                       How are you Teresa? I have been thinking of you and everything you 've been through. It is so hard and I hope you are getting a lot of support. How are all of you Darla, Janet, Sue, Joyce and everyone? It would be lovely to hear from you.
                        I continue to fill my time with work and other things but I know I'm not really getting anywhere. I still think of Anthony all the time and wonder how all this has happened. For Anthony's  second anniversary I am trying to get his last book published, which will be a meaningful memorial as as people will learn from it and Anthony's ideas and work will live on.
                        I can't believe another year has nearly gone by without him and all I have done is fill in time. I have tried to avoid going back to the calendar to look at what was happening each day at this time 2 years ago but I still recall the events and the trauma returns. The long days and warmer weather bring such sadness and I have no perspective on the future. I doubt this will ever change.
                       I hope you are all ok and I expect you keep busy as I do. Do you find that you always have to have a next step planned? I never live in the present, only in the past and the near future.
                      Take care everyone and do keep in touch!
                            With love
                               Pauline

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Hya everyone I do still come on here and read all about you regularly.
IT is now 5 weeks since I lost my hubby. we would have been married 51 years next month.

I have succombed to a very nasty throat infection and found my self bed bound for over a week. I felt so exhausted and weak. However, it has been so beneficial for I have realised that although Alan had passed away I had not really laid him to rest. Does that make any sense to you all.
I had lost my voice and as I have slowly started to regain it I am now able to say out openly, Alan asked me to care for him and I couldnt stop him from dying. A mothers worst nighmare and I was on my own in the middle of the night at home.
I have been so involved over the years trying to keep hubbie alive (again on my own in the middle of the night) I didnt have time to understand (with the shock) how alan came to lose his life so suddenly with CC. I feel it is time now to find peace about alan and grieve for both of them as they were the best of friends and so relied on me to care for them.  I think we all worry so much at times about doing our best for our chldren,partners, brothers, sisters or parents etc.  I do remember my grandmother many years ago saying however much one  does it will never feel enough.

Also, over the last 2 years my oldest son who lives in scotland was taken ill. I had to rush up there and get back in one day (600 miles) as he eventually was found to have an abcess in his pancreas. He was put on life support and has lost two thirds of his pancreas but is doing really well a year on. ( if Gavin reads this he is the manager of a project in Glagow) and he and his wife foster children in dire need in Scotland.

As a result of our famly's happenings these last 6 years my youngest son has now given up the family business as he wants to train to be a paramedic. He has obained a position as a nurse in one of our local hospitals and has taken a very substantial loss in money.
As he is married with a girl of 7  I have agreed to help him to train and study for what he wants to become in the future.
We have also raised

U.K.Member

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Hi Everyone,

Teresa,    It sounds like you got the rest Pauline was hoping you would get, unfortunately, it took an infection to get you there.  I am glad you are now feeling a bit better and getting stronger.  It sounds like your family has been through so much.  Coming to terms with it all and make peace with everything and yourself will be a daunting task.  Raising all that money for the hospice was a great accomplishment.  I am hoping you will get to the opera soon as it sounds like it means a lot to you and is something that you and Roy shared for years and really enjoyed.  I do hope you will stick with us.  As Pauline said, you have given so much of yourself to help support us and hopefully we can do the same for you.

Janet,  You mentioned you miss Joel's political ramblings.  Jim played the accordian and once he got going there was no stopping him.  It generally drove me nuts and now I would give anything to hear him playing again.  I even had one of my sons play one of them for me.  Made me smile.

Pauline,  As you know, I share so many of your thoughts and feelings.  We seem to be traveling the same paths with our grief.

Joyce & Sue and everyone else, I hope things are going well for all of you.

Everyone take care and keep in touch.   I hope we will be hearing from some of you soon.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Hello everyone,
                    I am thinking of you all as usual and hoping you are getting along as best you can. For Darla and I this is our very difficult time of year, isn't it, Darla? Anthony and Jim were both living their last weeks 2 years ago at this time.
                    This terrible time coincides for me with the start of the school summer holidays. On Friday the schools in Leicester, where I work 4 days a week, broke up. Everyone was wishing each other happy holidays and asking where people were going. I remembered how this day used to be when I would rush excitedly home from school to see Anthony and get ourselves ready for our drive over to Italy for the summer. That first evening in London, prior to setting off, would usually involve a rather spicy curry from the local take away and a few glasses of red wine, either French or Italian. A few days later we would set off and spend a night in France and another with Tony's brother in Switzerland en route to our home in Tuscany. Such happy times!
                   On Friday, I returned from Leicester at about 6.00pm and I arrived at St Pancras station where I get the local train home. However, this time I didn't want to continue my journey. I didn't want to go home. I sat in a cafe in St Pancras thinking of the empty summer ahead, of going to Italy once again alone and just cried for the life and the love I have lost. After a while, I pulled myself together and came home. I had a plane ticket booked for Italy for tomorrow but realised I just didn't want to go. I have come off the conveyor belt that keeps me moving and takes me nowhere and I just want to stand still for a while and cry.
                So that's what I'm doing. I will go to Italy next week but for now I am reliving the last days and nights I spent with my lovely man. So much pain and torment, a few beautiful moments and such overwhelming sadness.
                I will be back soon to speak some more.
                                With love
                                         Pauline

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Dearest Pauline and all of us.
We do try to continue to do our best to keep going do'nt we.

Some days I do not even wish to get out of bed, I find mornings so hard to get going.
I think no matter who or where, grief is so deep and intense it takes such a long time somehow make sense of it all. As you have written Pauline such pain such torment and so many tender memories.

Somehow one day I feel I will learn to honour Alan's life for he lived a life with such righteousness. As for my hubbie, he lived with diabetes from the age of 17years (2 injections everydayfor 56years)  and did his role as husband, father and great friend to his sons with such courage.

I feel someday, somehow we all will have to get of the conveyor and just stand still.
We must honour them all, for I feel everyone associated with this site and cholangio carcinoma is a pioneer for a future generation where others will have no need to weep for the lives and the love of their family members.

love and light to you all
Alan's mom

U.K.Member

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Oh Pauline,     Yes, you are so right, this time of year is very hard to deal with.  I too think back to what we would have been doing now and it is hard to believe that I will never share those things with Jim again.  I understand how hard it must be for you to have to go to Italy alone when you have so many great memories of your times their with Anthony.  Having to see & listen to others making their plans and not being able to look forward to going or doing things we used to enjoy is so hard to face.  All those wonderful memories of shared happiness that we will never have again.  We can act as if we are going on with our lives, but as you said, it goes no where for us.  We have every right to get off for a while.  We need to be able to do that.  We need to be able to relive these days, both good & bad as that is all we have now.  I've been told I need to find new things to enjoy, but how?  I enjoyed the life I had.  I don't want a new life.  I want mine back.  I like you have been doing my share of crying and hope that in a way it is a good thing.  We need to be able to let go and let our feelings out.

Theresa,  I hope you are right and that some day some how we will understand and be able to put this all in perspective and honor our loved ones in the best way we can, by living life as they would want us to.  For now the pain, torment and sadness is all still too overwhelming.

Pauline,  Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. I willl be thinking of you and sharing your sadness.  Take care.  I hope that being in Italy will somehow give you some comfort and that some day we will all be able to find some joy & happiness in life again.

Love & Hugs to All,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Thank you Teresa, Darla, Marion and Julia for getting in touch with me. I really value your support. I just wanted to let you know that I have taken it very slowly this week, partly because I have got a bit of flu as well, and am feeling a bit stronger again. I have reflected  and have spent some time doing some work on the albumn I have been making of our life together. I can't often bring myself to do this but it helped this time as I remembered lovely, happy times.
                  I am going to Italy on Tuesday and have had supportive messages from my neighbour who were worried when I told them I wasn't going this week as planned. It is good to know that people understand.
                Thank you again everyone for your support. Let me know how you are!
                 With love,
                      Pauline

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

I think of you a lot, Pauline.  Coming up to such a significant anniversary & being hit by 'flu at the same time is a very tough combination to have to deal with.  I'm looking forward to coffee & cake wink when you're back.

Have a goooood holiday.

Jxx

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician."

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Sorry to intrude in this dialogue but I have read this thread over time and found it as intriguing as any radio play.  I could not believe that I had not found this at the right time for me (2004) but have since found that it was not in operation then.  I have read your stories and found so much in common... I lost my lovely man in a few short weeks and have been in shock almost ever since.
Reading of Pauline finishing her term has terrific resonance with me.  I, too, finished the summer term today and I have not been able to make any effort to arrange anything this year.  I came home, realised I should have been so happy and thought of C and what might have been...
Thank you all to realise that I have not been alone in my thoughts after this terrible disease.

Margaret

547 (edited by marions Fri, 23 Jul 2010 17:54:05)

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Helo Margaret...by no means are you intruding.  We welcome your comments and welcome you to our site.  Please, stay with us and share your thoughts. 
All my best wishes,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Hya Margaret and all
Welcome.

For me it was  the shock and caring for my husband also at the time of Alans diagnosis that stopped me in my tracks.
He was so fit and healthy, had no worries and enjoyed his work and life.

I feel I know what happened to my husband, but still feel I do not know what happened to Alan in 8 short weeks. From start to finish.
It is ironic that you wrote of a radio play for a good friend of mine has spoke  to me often about writing a book one day about Alan's life and what happened.

Without this site I could not imagine how I would or could have managed as everyone I have spoken to has never heard of cc.
We are never alone on here, for we are bound together for ever with love and comfort in our daily lives. love and light Alans mom.

U.K.Member

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Margaret,

You are definately not intruding.  I am glad you have joined us.   Believe me, you are not alone.  Several of us lost our husbands and other loved ones very quickly and yes, it is shocking.  For me it is nearing 2 years and I still have a hard time believing this really happened to us.  Someone suggested that it could be similar to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  Not sure about that, but I do know I am not even beginning to understand or get over this and don't think I ever will.  Losing a loved one to this disease is like nothing else I can ever imagine.  We all have so much in common and share so many feelings.  I found this site, Pauline and the others a few days after Jim passed away and I don't know what I would have done without all these wonderful people and all the support I have gotten.  Pauline lost Anthony a month before that, so we have been in this together pretty much from then on.  She really was there for me at a time when I felt no on else understood.
It helps to know others are dealing with the same issues that you are and that you are not crazy and you are not alone.  Please come back any time. We are all here to help & support each other.  Reading your post confirms what I have felt for some time now.  We never really get over this, we just learn how to live with it and try to go on.  Take care Margaret.

With Love,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice

Dear Margaret,
                     It is good to hear from you. Please don't ever feel you are intruding. You have lost your husband to this terrible cancer too and we are all here to support each other. I am sorry you didn't have access to a forum like this seven years ago. We really find it very helpful to link with people who understand how we feel and I hope you will too.
                     I wonder if you are a teacher as you have this end of term problem too. For me it coincides with the anniversary of the last few weeks of my husband Anthony's life and I find it such a difficult time, compounded by everyone else's joy at the start of the long summer break.
                    Like Darla I still don't think I have really grasped what has happened and, even though Anthony and everything that happened to him, is constantly on my mind I still feel very confused about what has happened.
                  I thought of going to the hospital today where Anthony spent so much time. I thought I might just sit in the cafe by the main entrance and watch people pass by and let the memories flood in. However, I still feel unwell and didn't want to pass on my germs. I then thought of going to the garden of the hospice where Anthony died but I thought this would be too painful. In the end I looked at some photos of happier times and felt a bit better.
                  As Darla says, Margaret, we have a lot in common, so please come back here at any time and tell us how you are.
                   Take care
                      With love
                        Pauline