Dear Sue, Pauline, and Darla,
I reread all the posts we all have written over the last couple of weeks. It is amazing how similar our lives - and feelings - are right now, isn't it? Sue, when you were talking about being so calm and tearless, it makes me remember my worrying because I didn't show more emotion - I didn't want people to think I didn't care, but - same feelings you had - I saw Butch suffer through the end times, and just knew that he was better off. Once the numbness wore off, the tears came, but they are for us - we who are left behind. I still haven't cried all that much, but the sadness is there - deep inside - and I know you all know that it is a terrible feeling. I think it is almost trite to say, but it is the finality of death that is so hard to cope with. Any questions left unasked will go unanswered forever - well, until we meet again. Anyhow, I don't see myself meeting Butch at the gates of heaven someday, and saying - "by the way, how much oil DID that corolla use, on average"? That question sent me on a crying binge, as I realized the finality of all this.
On the other hand, I have taken your advice and am talking to him daily. I take great comfort in knowing that he is looking after me from afar, and remembering the wonderful years we had together. I do still feel close to him, and try to think of him being in the next room, which I often feel he is! As I move through today, I will be thinking of all of you and hope that this will be a good day for all of us. I pray that God helps us to have our happy memories of our pasts, while granting us the ability to face whatever the future brings us.
As for work - I have used all my leave time being home this 7 months. I am so grateful for them allowing me to use it, but I am out of time, and they can't hold my job much longer, so I must return. It would probably be better if I could return part-time, but it was better to use that time to be with Butch - we spent almost every waking second together these last months - many of them he spent in various hospitals. That was important, and I have worked at my job for 31 years, so these coworkers are my friends. The hardest day will be Friday - greeting people I didn't see at the funeral (most of them WERE there), many more firsts. I still think it will be good for me to have the structure, though - I have always loved my job, and I sure need the money.