Topic: Recent News
I wanted to share some news among my friends here in the CC world. I know none (or few) of us actually "know" each other, but this site has truly been such a source of support and strength.
I was diagnosed with CC in July of 2008. Tumor is in awful place but surgeon feels there is a good chance he can get it. I am 43 and asymptomatic.
For years I have been caregiver to my mom, who has been chronically ill with multiple medical problems but actually pretty stable. Obviously the stress of the CC has been terrible on both of us; I was scrambling to get some services and close friends in place to make sure she was cared for while I was in the hospital and then during recovery. My mom, of course, was dealing with the idea that she might outlive me, and I am not sure how any parent can even process that.
In any case. She became acutely ill 10 days ago, and required hospitalization. While in the hospital she developed pneumonia and did not respond to antibiotics, in fact the pneumonia spread and her breathing became worse and worse, and there was delirium. Finally, a nurse took me aside and told me the obvious that no one had dared tell me: she was dying. She did not have physical (or, I suspect, emotional) reserves to fight back. The next step was use of a breathing tube; her living will (and discussions with me) had made it very clear that she did not want a breathing tube or any other "heroic" measures. There was a theoretical chance of survival, but not survival in the sense that she could ever live at home again, or even necessarily breathe on her own again. She was dependent on me (and I on her, to some degree.)
I was fortunate enough to get her into Hospice, and she (and me too) was given wonderful, kind, comforting and loving care. She passed away on Sept. 1. She had not been "conscious" for about a day, but I was with her, holding her hand as she passed, and that, at least, gives me a small amount of comfort.
So here I am, grieving, broken-hearted, feeling terribly alone, and trying to make sense of this awful loss and how do I go on. This is such an unbearable and permanent absence. I am an only child and while I have a few very very close friends, there is no "significant other."
And as a bonus, i am scheduled for radical resection in six days.
So other than needing to share my grief, I am trying to figure out: do I proceed? How can my body possibly take the awfulness of resection when i am so depleted in every way? Do I postpone? Do I even care about the surgery now? Much of my purpose was in somehow getting better and getting back home to be here for my mom -- and now my purpose is gone.
Just needed to vent a bit. I know we all have our horror stories.