Topic: The holiday
Today my daughter wanted me to go to see a tree lighting ceremony.
I said no that I didn't want to.
She said it was a special family time and why didn't I want to.
John was her step dad, he hasn't been dead for even two weeks but they, (all my family) expect me to be normal. They don't understand why I don't want Xmas lights and all the crap that goes along with this season.
I just broke down and said "I have just lost my husband and can't do it",then started crying.
I am grieving my love, can not they see that and understand? Why do I have to spell it out for them? They're adults and I have been with John for twelve years!
I just can't do these things right now. John used to do all the decorating at Christmas, he would make our home beautiful for us. We would be outside together stringing lights and silly trains and all the do-dads.
I don't want xmas, I want my John heathy and alive. I don't want to pretend to be having a good time when all I can do is keep myself from crying.
I've done everything they've wanted from me so far, trying to be strong for the grand children but I CAN NOT do it anymore.
I'm a mess. I'm in torment and am so sad and lonely for John sometimes it is an actual pain. I came to Arizona thinking it would be good for me to be away from our home and with family but I think I was wrong. I need to go home. I leave the 14th and really can't wait.
I need more time.