Topic: Grieving and Thankful at the same time
Is there such a thing as pre-grief? I'm sure there's a fancy name for it. There are so many things I've mourned the loss of - going out to eat, seeing a movie, walking together holding hands, intimacy, talking over the day, discussing our kids, sharing concerns, finances and the list goes on and on. Charlie is becoming a shell of his former self. Does that sound awful? Ben (our 17 year old) said it brings tears to his eyes every time he sees his Dad going down the hall with his walker. Charlie tried to tie Ben's tie for Senior Day and couldn't remember how to do it. He said, "I'm just withering away to nothing." That was so sad. The deterioration of a loved one is a very hard thing to see. I went through it when I was 17 with my Mom's cancer and this is worse still. What does it feel like for Charlie? Day in, day out, waiting to die. He's not afraid. He's ready to go. It's just in God's time and he could have days, weeks or months left. This has got to be one of the hardest trials to go through. Some days I just want to stay in bed and not get up. It's painful in a physical gut wrenching sort of way. My heart breaks for everyone touched by this cancer. I'm so thankful for the life we've had and all our many blessings. Nevertheless, Charlie's loving wife of almost 27 years and best friend is starting to crumble. It's almost too much to comprehend that things can get a lot worse before it's his time and how to handle it.