Topic: Toughest 24........
I feel like I've just experienced the worst 24 hours of my life.
I made a trip to my parent's house to mainly do a "visual" on my Mom's condition (she beginning to develope some ascites) and to give my Daddy some support. I left early on Friday morning after a trip to another doctor with my husband who may have a benign tumor on his cranial nerve that controls hearing. (One more thing in my life to worry about.) *sigh*
I went straight to the Hospice and Palliative care center in Greensboro to get some information and nail down what the procedure is for admittance to the program and what records I need to gather for them. The people there could not have been nicer or more supportive. I was there for about 1 1/2 hours. I didn't tell my Dad I was going to do this but I believe we are getting close. He needs the support of not having to stress over is it time to put a call in to the doctor or whether this is merely a continuation of the disease. We had to call Duke last week since Mom is beginning to develop some ascites. They will be making arrangements to have this removed so that is good. The best moment in this last day was seeing the total relief on his face when I told him what I'd done and telling him the only thing left to do would to be make a phone call when the time was right.
I did fine until I came out of the Hospice office. I sat in my car and just broke down. It's so hard to have to start "parenting" a parent. There is a part of me that simply wants to be only their daughter with no responsibilities or cares. I guess we as caregivers all feel that way at times.
The hard part is "selling" this care to my Mom. I approached it as we are "inserting" another level of the care team. I told mom it would help daddy to be able to have a professional come out and help make the decision about what to do next when these moments arrive. She has moments when I see my regular Mom and not the more childlike version that is ravaged by this monster of a disease so I had to wait until it was almost time to leave before we had one of those moments and I could talk with her.
I'm just venting right now. I cried most of the 3 1/2 hour trip home while singing with the cd of my Dad's quartet. I know that being in the medical field is great, but the downside is that you know more than you really need to sometimes.
I just reread this and I'm rambling and I'm sorry not to be more succinct. Just say a prayer for my Mom and my family. I can already feel the hugs from all of you.
Now I'm going to try and do something productive. Like get dressed...lol.
Thanks for listening........love to you all,
Pam
"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is. Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.
