I hear you loud and clear. Back at it each 6th of the month. It's a cycle and I am needing a good, big cry again. Next thing you know, it's the damn 6th again and I hate it. But I welcome it in a small way just to see how far I've come (we've all come).
It is what it is. I, ultimately, respect it for that, and I move forward, despite my stumbling and fighting myself to beat back denial all over again, just to see anger, bartering, depression, and semi-acceptance show up all over again.
It made me dizzy when it all started, and the cycles of these waves are further apart, but they still come. Once, after thinking I was "past" part of it, in the middle of the night, I sat straight up and cried like I never had before. So difficult, so healthy and cleansing, but so sudden it shocked me all over again.
You have a right to feel exactly as you do; we all do. Hang in there. We are getting stronger all the time.