Topic: Two sad songs.
I haven't written much lately, actually I haven't read much either. I feel different lately. I feel like I'm holding out. Next week I finally get a break from my studies, so I am going to fly and visit my dad for 4 precious days. It's been 3 long months since my last visit. I talk with him on web chat or on the phone almost everyday, but this last week not so much. I feel this distancing from his end, but perhaps don't pay too much attention since I'm finishing up my term papers and assignments. While driving in my car yesterday I heard the song "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts for the very first time...I could barely see where I was driving the tears were streaming down so fast. When I got home I found it and listened to it over and over and had a good, long needed cry. Then just this morning I was driving two minutes from my house to grab a coffee and again, a heart wrenching song, "You can Let go now daddy" by Crystal Shawanda. A song I had never heard, and thus the steady flow of tears down my face. WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN? I feel like it's a wake up call or something? I am so excited to see my daddy in less than a week and yet I feel a whole host of emotions all of a sudden, well mostly just sadness (or something like it that I can't explain). I have gotten used to not seeing it, just hearing it, the pain, the 14 hour sleeps, the itching, the sweats, the nausea. Often I felt resentful of those who get to drive the 5 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour to see their mom or dad. But now, I don't know who has it "better"? As if there is such a thing with this monster. Maybe the two situations are just different. Being there all the time, immersed in their pain, or hardly there to help, hug, love, deal with the stages as they come. I want to make my visit a good one! I just feel like the whole world is saying "why are you crying its not like he's dead yet" and I don't want to wait until that dreaded day to write on the remembrance board to share my hurt and pain, when I know my friends here know and understand what this "anticipatory grief" is all about. These songs do give me some peace. In the Rascal Flatts video the father who has died asks the little boy "what is it like?" And the boy responds, "Just like normal goodbyes". (You have to watch it: go to youtube.com and type in the song). That childlike spirit is what I need to survive, to get through this. To know that I WILL see my dad again, doesn't mean I wont feel the sting, but he will be at peace when he passes. And again too, with the other song, it is about me as the daughter one day having to say "you can let go now daddy". And I am okay with that, even though I know it will be the most difficult thing I will ever have to do.
Hugs through tears to all who have had to endure this pain,