Topic: Absolutely conflicted

I am sitting here, trying to get the words out, but instead I just feel rage today.  I am mad at the world, and I know better, but I am pissed and I have to let that out. 

I know that people die... but not MY Mom (she used to say, call me Patty).  Right now, she should be flitting around the house we just sold, making Easter cookies for the grankids and doting on her elderly father.  At 61, she spent her birthday in the hospital, wondering when she might die. 

A nightmare she could not walk away from, she watched the staff try as I absolutely was conflicted about what to do next.  Eight months later, and a lot of personal work to create a life worth living more fully, that conflict seeps back into my space today as I am supposed to be studying for exams. 

I remind myself, she was in so much pain, pain that did not respond to meds in any way, shape, or form.  And my very feisty, 61 year young Mother absolutely gave up on life, and slowly decided her cards had been dealt.  It was time to die.  A mere 41 days after diagnosis, and a failed gallbladder surgery for what they thought were stones, after finding cancer everywhere... on her gallbladder, her bile duct, her duodenum, and "sprinkled like powdered sugar" all over her diaphragm, this active being evaporated before my eyes. 

I am not often angry, but each month on the 6th, as a count how many months she's been gone from this earth, I get angry all over again.  And I let myself really feel that... for a little while.

The reality is that she could not stay, and I know that, I just don't want to accept it.  It's not fair and she had much more living to do. 

As I picture the world with her in it suffering, I know the right thing happened, but my younger self says NO.  I go back to days of summer skies, beach trips, hair styles gone by and the anger crashes down again.  I will not get to see my Mother grow old.  I don't have to worry about her aging and falling, and again I am angry. 

Where do I put all these conflicted emotions, they swoop at me one after the next, mixed with the trauma of watching it all unfold right before my eyes.  I do not expect anyone to respond to this rant and tirade, but I am angry again and I had to get that out.  I know better than to live with anger in my cells, because I have seen what that can cause. 

Just hope this helped me more forward and back out of anger a little bit.

Stay well, live fully, and be present today.  -ljg

Re: Absolutely conflicted

All I can say is: I'm with you 100%, all the way. The anger resurfaces time and again and it's not rational, but I think it's the little kid inside me who just needs her mommy back. It's good to get it out - glad you did! Now I don't feel like the only one!
Joyce M

Re: Absolutely conflicted

Thanks Joyce.  It was a bad day and I just needed to allow myself to feel whatever was real for me today.  Here's to a better tomorrow!  -ljg

Re: Absolutely conflicted

Oh my, how could we NOT be angry from time to time? To stand helplessly bye and watch this horrible beast rob us (and our loved ones) of everything, right before our eyes, yes - every month as the anniversary comes around, we will rage for awhile. Thinking of you - hope you have a better day today.

Joyce C. (the other Joyce!)

Re: Absolutely conflicted

I have to agree with all of you.  I too feel all of the above.  It is good to know that we are not alone.  I will be thinking of all of you today & hoping for better tomorrows for all of us.

Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Absolutely conflicted

I think this is helpful, especially where it talks about helplessness:

http://www.hospiceslo.org/lib_resourcec … anger.html

Here are some others that I think offer some reflective insight:

http://www.enotalone.com/article/5390.html

http://www.healingheart.net/articles/gr … anger.html

Patty

Re: Absolutely conflicted

Hey ljg, I am so sorry for your pain. It is ok to feel, ok to talk about, and ok to let out, however you need to. It is not fair, absolutely not. So difficult to find justice in how your Mom spent her final days and how quickly they came upon her & you.  There's no real way around the anger, other than to let it come & work through it - as you are.  I'm sending many hugs & prayers your way & hope that tomorrow is a better day for you.

-Tess

Re: Absolutely conflicted

Dear ljg,
I am crying so hard right now at your post not only for you but because that's how my daughter will be.  It was just the two of us...two against the wind, and I know she'll be wanting her mom so much.   All I can do is pray that there will be some comfort and peace that grows in your heart more each day, and you can get through this.  I had a tiny tumor of colon cancer in my appendix when I was 40, and I'd pray over and over again, please God, let me raise my child, and I was able to.  She'll be 31.  So I keep thinking this is a trade off, but it isn't really. 

It's good to be angry.  Scream and yell.  Yell at Oprah for me.  I so hope tomorrow is better for you.

Sophie

Re: Absolutely conflicted

Sophie-

I wondered at the time, why on earth I posted this rant, and now I know why.  It was for me, to know you, and to offer to you that I am sorry that you have this terrible disease.  Be positive for as long as you possibly can be, and live your life fully.  No regrets.  Say it all now.  Love completely, and don't hold a thing in.  Also, know that your daughter can email me at any time for support.  I have been there.  If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.

Today is better because of you.  (((hugs)))  -ljg

Re: Absolutely conflicted

Thank you ljg, your response meant alot to me since I was so emotionally affected by your post.  My daughter won't even get on this site so I don't ask her to anymore, but I am supported by my niece Hollie who will read me some posts when I feel like I can't get on, and she will also post updates or support. 

Did you understand when I said yell at Oprah for me?  Lainy received letters from caretakers, and I received some from about 15 people with cc.  Then Lainy sent all the letters to Oprah.  We were hoping Oprah would make the public aware of this disease.  Not a word back so I thought a good "Yell at Oprah" would be appropriate. 

I hope your East weekend is joyous, ljg.  Thank you so much.

Sophie

Re: Absolutely conflicted

ljg,
Your post made me cry a lot and I guess made me feel like I am not alone.  I am sorry you had to lose your mother at such a young age.  She did have so much more life to live.  I can only assume there is no  date on grieving, I dont know how it could ever possibly end.   You have every right to rant and rant often. This is a maddening, cruel and relentless cancer, how can it not evoke anger?  I will be thinking and praying for you and eveyone else on this post. 
Peace
Barbara

The  Lord is my shephard