Topic: One Year Ago...
So it was just (almost) exactly one year ago when -- during a work-up for a possible appendix problem -- that my little tumor friend was first seen. After four months of inconclusive tests, choruses of "it's probably nothing but we need to know for sure" and not one but two biopsies, the diagnosis was made. And the world as I knew it ended.
So here I am, a year later, still alive and kicking and ornery as ALL GET OUT, despite a failed surgery and a refusal to accept other treatment (chemo) as I thought the odds of it helping me were far outweighed by the damage that would be done to the healthy parts of me.
I am long past the point of believing I was "lucky" to be diagnoses early -- this post-diagnosis time has been hell, including the death of my mother and that ever-present daily worry that today will be the day the end starts to come.
And yet I am still here -- and at some level, I need to honor that. I go in for a CT scan later this month (after months of refusing further tests) and really, there's no good news I am going to hear -- just hoping it isn't bad bad bad news.
Anyway. I think of so many of you so often, and how we are toyed wth by this sadistic illness and how our lives, our loves, our friends, are never, ever, the same.
Peace be with me and with all of you, too.