Topic: firsts

I am wondering, do seconds and thirds and fourths and so on hurt as bad as firsts? My first birthday, her first birthday, our first mothers day without Mom. There will be so many more firsts, i don't know that I can handle the seconds being as bad sad

Re: firsts

I dont know the answer to that as no one ever close to me has yet died. But, I imagine that there is always a niggle but the big wave of grief will be over. The good and bad of it is that the more you love the person, the harder the firsts are, but the later ones will remind you of your loved ones, and the sadness but hopefully also the good times as well.
But like I said, I have no experience but your post made my heart hurt and wanted to offer encouragement.

Hugs.
Kris

Cancer is a word, not a sentence.

36 year old patient with buckets of hope

Re: firsts

Dear Sarah,

I too know how much all of these first hurt.  I am not sure if it will get better or not, but I have been told that first year is the worst.  I am thinking that we will always be sad when those days come around, but hopefully the pain will not be as bad.   I was also told that the more love there is the longer it takes to grieve. That does seem to make some sense. So It is a testament to our love for the person that we have lost that we hurt so much & for so long.  Hopefully the love and memories in our hearts will give us the strength we need to go on.

I am thinking of you & all the others of us that are walking this painful road of grief.  May we all find some comfort & peace.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: firsts

Sara...I agree with Kris and Darla in that the "first" appeared the worst for us, also.  It was only after the second year passed that we had established somewhat of a different routine while celebrating Holidays.  In our case, it was always my husband sitting at the head of the table addressing the occasion whereas now my youngest son has taken that place, instead.  He has imulated his Dad's way of addressing each one of us in a way unique to him although, so similar to that of my husband.  We have slowly adjusted to Dad's absence but, always we feel his presence.  It truly takes time but, I have noticed an acceptance on all of our part now, that the two years have passed.  One day at a time truly has helped us cope.  I am wishing the same for you and your family.
Hugs
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: firsts

This was the first mother's day without my sister.  She was such an awesome mother and when we went to put flowers on her grave I just cried and cried.  It hurt so bad that she is not here anymore to be a mom to her kids.  I think it will always hurt.  I can't imagine it ever getting better.

Re: firsts

Sarah,
I am so sorry.

My dad died suddenly from a heart attack in 1996.  I remember the firsts of every occassion after he died.  Yes, it does get easier after the first.  The seconds the thirds the fourths, each time it gets a little easier.  I used to hate it when people would tell me that things get easier with time, but after time I could see that they were right.

Big hugs to you,
Amy

Re: firsts

A very wise person on this site told me that one cant have a great love and relationship with someone and not experience a great pain when they are gone.  I guess I wouldnt have sacrificed any part of my amazing relationship with my dad, and therefore I have been left with a big void in my heart.  I cant imagine Fathers Day, because Mothers day was incredibly sad for my family.   My father, like Marions Husband, was always the person at the head of the table addressing the occasion, and yesterday my whole family gathered, but we kind of stumbled through the day.   We made it through the day thankfully because of lots of kids to keep us busy, but the  emptiness without my dad surrounded us.  I know lots of people say my dad is here and he is with us, and I know I will feel that  way eventually, but now I just miss him, and that thought doesnt ease the pain.  I am hopeful that in time, perhaps when I am on "seconds" of occassions, it will be easier, but for now, I will get through the "firsts" because that is what my dad would want.   
Peace
Barbara

The  Lord is my shephard

Re: firsts

Dear Sarah,
   I sure hope it does get easier - I can't wait until October, when I get through a year of "1sts" - they are so hard.  I just said the other day that I hope we don't remember the month anniversary after the first year either - I would hate to be thinking "it has been 423 months now since I lost him"! That day is so hard each month - it would be lovely to not think of it. I am wishing you healing, Sarah, and God's love.


Joyce C.

Re: firsts

Like Darla I am living through these very painful first year memories of my darling husband, Anthony. I have come to Italy again today and have spent some time remembering a year ago when we came here together. It was lovely spring weather and we were alive!
                    One day while we were here Anthony was bending down to look at some damp that had got worse in the entrance hall over the winter. He started to work on it and when he stood up he told me he had some pain in his leg. I told him to stop and that we would get someone to sort out the damp. He agreed.
                   Only after his death did the doctors realise that this pain was the first sign of the tumours having spread outside the liver to the peritoneum and the tumour was touching a nerve. At the time we thought it was sciatica or hoped it was!
               I have cried a lot today. Tomorrow will be the anniversary of the last time we went out for a meal with friends. Tony was ok but couldn't eat all of his meal and struggled to walk to the car. How I miss him now! He was the light in my life, the love, the intellect and the fun and now it's all gone. He had only 2 months left to live but of course we didn't know that. Ahead of us was only terror but we didn't know that. I know the next 2 months are going to be very hard for me. I can't say about the future.
                 I can only hope that things don't get worse after the first year. I have promised Tony that I will make my best efforts and for him I will.
                 Thinking of you all
                        Paulline

Re: firsts

Oh Dear Pauline,

I read your post with such sadness &  empathy.  I keep saying Jim was only sick for 2 months, but  previous to that he too had leg pain.  I now believe, from what you have said, that it was related to this horrible disease.  At the time they did all sorts of tests & never did figure it out.

I also remember the last  time we went out to eat with our son & his girlfriend. He also did not eat much & had a hard time walking.  By then I was doing the driving.

We also did not realize when he first started having pains that in less than 2 months he would be gone. I can definately relate to all you are saying & feeling. I too hope that the second year will be different.  All we can do is try to be strong and get by as best we can as our husbands would want us to. Life is all so very sad & lonely now.

Know that I am thinking of you & crying along with you.

Love & Hugs To All,

Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.