Topic: He is fading before my eyes
After receiving a call from my father's GP explaing she only thought he had a couple days I was on the next plane to see my dad! On Friday he was admitted to hospice after only brief talk about it. The oncologist mentioned that they noticed a huge change in him in only a couple days and felt he needed to go into hospice immediately. I was shoked when I walked into that hospital room. I didn't even recognize my daddy! I don't think I can put words on the pain I feel when I look at him, his eyes all sunken in, his neck so tiny. This is not fair anymore! He was doing okay end of April when I saw him last. Now, the confusion is umbearable. I see moments of my old daddy, so cute, so sweet, so bossy and insistant. But I just want all of him back!!! Not just little glimpses. I just feel so helpless. The swelling in his legs is aweful, it just shocked me how huge they are. And when he slips in and out of consciousness, his open mouth is sooo scary. Almost like this death "mask"? I dont even recognize his voice anymore, the voice that was so comforting and pleasant is now raspy. Has anyone experienced with their loved one, this inability to pee? Is that a symptom of the body shutting down? He wants to pee, but he can't. What torture!!! I want the sweet Lord to take him soon, I just can't bear this suffering any longer!! This disease is so terrible I just want to scream!!!! What am I going to do when I lose him? I already feel like my entire world has crumbled around me.