• Registered: Mon, 15 Jun 2009
  • Posts: 8

Topic: Feeling Alone

I can't believe that in 3 days it will be a month since I last talked to my Mom.  I really miss her today.  I guess I had been so busy making her arrangements and beginning to close her life that I didn't have the time to miss her.  I want to laugh with her, cry with her or just sit in silence and watch TV.  I look around at the things in the house and realize that this is my house now, not hers and it makes me sad.  I question what I do right now and if the decisions I am making are for the best.  There is nothing like a mother's love to make you feel whole.  I have been so upset lately that I feel my heart rythm going off kilter(I had heart surgery 5 years ago to correct and irregular heartbeat).  It only seems to get bad when I'm really upset.  I had kind of wondered why it wasn't going off then all of a sudden, wham.  It seems as if the only people who know what I have gone through would be the people on this forum.  My Mom went from healthy to not feeling well to sick to dying all within a matter of months.  It hurts.  I just turned 30 a few days ago.  I shouldn't have a death certificate of my Mother I should have her.  I look at the other side of the coin.  I am so grateful I never had to put her in hospice nor do a death watch like most of the people here.  I was spared that much, but I was cheated in sooo many ways.  I was half expecting/half caught by surprise by her death.  It really has called into question my belief of an afterlife.  What if there is none?  What if this is all there is?  I just feel so tired and haven't been able to get a good night's sleep in some time.  I hear all the noises in the house and it will wake me up.  I don't feel like doing the basic things like cleaning and would just prefer to stay in bed.  I finally get up enough energy to start cleaning and then stop halfway through.  I have been on anti depressants for over a year now for a different reason.  I just don't know what to do. 
Thanks for listening
Amy

  • From: Wisconsin
  • Registered: Sun, 07 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 1,996

Re: Feeling Alone

Dear Amy,

I know how you are feeling & what you are going through.  I have gone through all of the same things you described since losing my husband to this awful disease.  Unfortunately, I guess it is all normal and part of the grieving process that we are being forced to endure.  So many of us have experienced the same things as you are now. 

My husband was only ill for a short time also and I think it is so much harder to accept that a person can go from healthy to dying in such a short time.  It all seems so surreal.  We can just be greatful that they did not have to suffer for a long time and that now they are at peace & no longer in pain.   

I have to believe that there is something else beyond this life and that our loved ones are still with us in spirit and we will be with them again one day.

Please continue to come here and share your feelings.  We all understand as no one who has not lost a loved one to this horrible disease can.  We are all here to help & support one another.  Come back often, even if it is just to vent your feelings.

Now you need to take care of yourself.  You will get through this.  We all will, together, one day at a time.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"
  • Registered: Sat, 11 Aug 2007
  • Posts: 139

Re: Feeling Alone

Dear Amy,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my John Nov.23 of 08.

I won't go into my loss, this is for you.

I suggest you get a cat. I have found a great deal of peace since I got a cat. I know it sounds strange but my cat is there when I need to be loved, he's there when I'm alone and am crying.
It will never replace your loved one but it will help you heal.

Good luck,
Charlene

  • Registered: Sat, 09 Dec 2006
  • Posts: 514

Re: Feeling Alone

Dear Amy,
You're making me cry, because I'm thinking of my mother and how I stayed in her house hugging her box of ashes (ridiculous, I know, but it was all I had of her) and had 2 birthdays since she died, and still I"m just a little child inside, crying for my mother.
Nothing can ever replace a mother, especially when you saw her and talked to her every day --- yet life somehow goes on. I wonder how it DOES go on, sometimes, but I take it a day at a time, because that's all I can do.  I've been on antidepressants many times in my life and I think I should get back on them -- and you should, too, or adjust your dosage or try something else if this one isn't working too well. Nothing can take away the pain, but they might help it a little bit.
My mother also went from healthy to dead in less than 3 months' time, and it's such a shock that you just can't accept it. I still don't want to say it out loud - still think that maybe she'll come back to me, though I'm not delusional and don't REALLY believe it. It's just a coping mechanism, and I'll use whatever works. I also like to talk to her good friends and family members who were close to her so I can talk about her. It might make me cry, but it's better than being around people who avoid the topic or pretend that your mother never existed, which dishonors her memory.
Someone suggested I write my mother a letter and I tried that a few times and found it therapeutic - but there's just soooo much I want to say that it's hard to write a letter that isn't 50000 pages long! But it might help to work out some of your feelings - all of which are perfectly normal and natural. You just lost your best friend, the person who was with you for your ENTIRE life, supporting you with her unconditional love, so you have the right to lie in bed for a week if you want. Take care of yourself, immerse yourself in friendships or in grief - whatever works for you - and know that your mother loved you very very much and she will always be with you and within you, in some mysterious way. Or at least that's what I'd like to believe.
All my sympathy,
Joyce M

  • From: New Jersey
  • Registered: Tue, 20 Nov 2007
  • Posts: 306

Re: Feeling Alone

Dear Amy,
I know the heartache you are going through.  My loss was my husband, although I had also lost my Mom when I was 11.  I know there is an afterlife.  My husband and I had talked about being able to commuicate after he passed, just to let me know he was okay.  He has done this several times, in different ways.  I will not get into the particulars because it would be too lengthy here.  Have faith.  Your Mom is still around you, just on a different level.  My prayers to you and hugs also.
Peace,
Karen

Wishing all God's blessings!