Topic: How can I be a widow?
I can hardly believe it has been six weeks since my husband died. I am not sure I have begun to grieve. Is that possible? I have been going in so many different directions since the day after he passed, starting with his service and continuing with all the "official" work that needs to be done. I am heartbroken, but so used to keeping everything together that I'm not sure I've given myself permission to feel the pain yet. I AM sure I am running from it, scared to let it touch me. I think I am still in shock.
I watched him endure so much emotional and physical pain for almost two years and was so relieved for him when he stepped from this life into paradise. But I can't comprehend that he is no longer here. It sounds crazy, I saw him die in our home. I watched him take his last breath. I felt the peace that passes understanding wrap around him and I and our two kids. It doesn't make sense to me.
I have read many of your entries describing the grief you have experienced and your words have been so helpful. It means more coming from men and women who have experienced the pain first hand. I am signed up for grief counseling, as our my kids, starting next week. They also put me on the list for the next six week losing-your-spouse support group. I'll try anything.
But, I don't really feel like being with anyone other than my kids, who are 18 and 22. I don't have the strength or the energy to answer, "How are you doing? How are the kids?". I want to say, "My beloved husband is dead; their dad, who loved and protected them, is dead. How the hell do you think I'm doing?". But I just paste on that fake polite smile and say, "We're ok, doing the best we can, taking it one day at a time, etc. etc." Same things I used to say the whole time he fought this monster.
I am angry, sad, confused, tired, and behind in the thank you notes.
Is this normal?