SENSITIVE - Carer Depression

Julia you already know some of my thoughts but I think for us in a younger agegroup the shock of the initial diagnosis is pretty earthshattering and the not knowing if our loved one will be in the small percentage that buy some extra time with treatment because it is pot luck who responds and who doesnt.I think as a sister or partner it is terrifying.I think you rally a bit and amazingly get by in a relatively normal way,all the while with your fears lurking just below the surface.
  But unfortunately it is time that will make the difference to your state of mind.The more time that goes by and Susan stays ok and the illness is stable the more relaxed about it all you will feel and your mood will improve.
   If it goes the other way it will be terrible for you and another journey but you wont be dealing with uncertainty.
  I dont know if you are seeing a counsellor or psychologist but I think that helps and I think just going with the flow,accepting that if you are feeling rotten for a few days you will pass through it.Do what usually gives you a lift and sometimes it works and if its not working,just go home or whatever.I have had a few disasters,the 60s party at the surf club one of them!
                                             Janet x

Julia,

You are not alone in these feelings.  Part of what you are experiencing is "anticipatory grief".  This is when you are projecting into the future and if you're like me you tend to see it through pessimistic eyes.  It's so hard to try and not look so far down the road ahead.  I dealt with this by invoking the 5 minute rule on myself.  You do 5 minutes then you do the next 5 minutes. 

You also pointed out the one thing that was so very hard for me during my Mom's illness.....the LOSS OF CONTROL!  I'm in the medical field, I diagnosed my Mom's cancer and I experienced the same feelings you are having.  I am very detailed and operate best when I have all the possibilities thought out and then acted upon in a logical fashion.  The feeling of being so out of control just about did me in! 

Cancer is so insidious.  It takes control of almost every aspect of our lives.  It makes us live with fear, clouds our futures and strangles our hopes and dreams.  Everything you are feeling is normal (whatever that is!).  Some of this is your body's way of protecting you.  You aren't being selfish.  Think of it as being proactive.  Remember the first rule of caregiving is ....YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THE CAREGIVER FIRST!.

Your sister is so lucky to have you beside her in this fight.  You are a remarkable woman and you WILL find a strength deep inside of you that you never knew existed.  This is a crazy journey we are all taking together.  Some of us are at different stages but we are all traveling the same direction.  We are all here for you.  Come often, feel free to vent, share and know you aren't alone.

Hugs to you and your family!

Pam

Hi Julia,

I agree with what the others have said in that you are not alone in how you are feeling right now. I'm sorry to hear that you are in a rough patch right now, but there is no way in the world that you should feel that what you are feeling right now is a selfish reaction.

None of this is easy to deal with at all and there is no manual for us to show us as to what we should do, feel or act.  I don't know much about depression really or how that feels, but as you know I've been caring for family members for many years now and I've went through bouts of isolating and I know that didn't really do me any good. And I lost pretty much all of my friends so perhaps that is what depression did to me, I don't know.

As Pam says, taking care of the caregiver is so important and I never realised just how important it is until I was quite some time into it. Maybe some face to face supoort would be of help to you and also to be able to sit down and have a cuppa tea and a chat with others who are in the same boat that you are. Talking with friends is one thing, but they don't know what you are going through and how you are feeling. Did you have a look at the Maggies Centre link that I sent you? I know they run support groups for those of us caring for loved ones with cancer and they also do workshops. You said that you writting down your thoughts in this post helped you a lot and I know that Maggies do a workshop on expressive writting, so perhaps that may be of use to you as well.

And as always, you know that we are always here for you as well.

My very best wishes to you,

Gavin

I am so lucky to have found you all when I did - this is just so helpful, thank you.

Pam - it's extraordinary that I'm always aware when my sister is experiencing anticipatory nausea, or fear or apprehension ... but it never crossed my mind that my own feelings are equally anticipatory!!  I'm sure you're absolutely right about that - I do live in the future quite often & the future I inhabit tends to be unduly pessimistic.

I went to see my doctor today & we've agreed I do need someone to talk to.  One of the Marie Curie Therapists has also sent a message, via my sister, that their doors are open to me, as well as to her &, now I don't have so much work to hide behind, I'll also be following up those links to Maggie's Centre, Gavin.  I know you told me about Carer Workshops, too, & I'll be looking to see if I can find one of those.

The more I learn, the stronger & more capable I feel.  I'm back to that "control" thing, I'm afraid - but it really does help.

Jxx