Thanks, Terri, for the site suggestion. I did read her posts and they were helpful.
Thanks, too, to the creators of this new topic. I look forward to talking with others who have lost a loved one. Perhaps we can be of some help to each other, or at least be a place where we can write our thoughts in a safe place, knowing those that are reading understand what we are going through.
Since Dan's death a month ago (can it really be a month?), I have attended two bereavement group meetings, seen a counselor, and purchased several books on grief. Seems as if I am frantically trying to find someone who can tell me how to do this...how to manage the aching and longing I have for him....how to live without him....what will make the lonliness go away. Of course, no one can do this. I keep being told only time will make it better. But I also find myself wanting to scream that I don't want to learn how to live without him! I don't want to start a new life--one that does not include him.
I started work again last week and being in my office does help. It is such a busy place, with so much to do, and it does keep me distracted. Of course, the end of the day is very hard, knowing I have to go home and he won't be there. This weekend, I took my oldest granddaughter to Disneyland for the weekend. She is 14 and is having a hard time, too--she was very close to her grandfather---and I thought getting away would help us both. We had a good time--but I still found it hard to not think of Dan and kept wishing he were with us. Can you picture someone with tears streaming down her face in the "happiest place on earth?" Couldn't help it--we shared so many good times there. And the memories are everywhere I go--Dan and I did everything together.
I still haven't touched his clothes--his shoes and slippers are still on the closet floor where he left them, and his bathrobe is still hanging on the hook by the shower. I can't bring myself to move them. His office is the hardest place to go into--Dan left so many notes and it breaks my heart to read all of the scribblings he made while talking wtih doctors about test results and appointments to be made--his illness consumed so much of his life (which now makes me angry to think about.) I've come across several of his "to do" lists. He had so many things he wanted to accomplish before he left us. I know now why one of the last things he told me on the day he died was, "I still have so much to do." I guess God decided he had done enough.
Someone gave me a journal after he died and I have been writing to Dan almost every day. It helps a lot and I always feel better after I have written. Sometimes my pen just flies across the page as I pour out all my thoughts and feelings. As much as I look forward to writing to him, I am also sad that after over 40 years of having him with me to talk to, all I have left now is a journal to share my thoughts with. It's such a lonely feeling and all this is still so unbelievable.
Sorry for going on and on and being such a "downer." It has been a long day and I'm just missing Dan so much. I hope all of you that are missing your loved ones, too, find peace and understanding. I know I will get there one day....it just seems so hard right now.