Topic: This sucks
It was three weeks ago yesterday that my mother died. Life is "back to normal." Hah, right. There is no "normal" anymore. But I still need to act ike I'm a normal person. I get the kids up in the morning, make lunches, get them on the bus, make sure they're where they need to be for all their after-school activities. I still need to work (part time, from home). I need to grocery shop, walk the dog, cook meals. I need to be a wife, a sister, a daughter helping my father through his progressing dementia.
Then there's the stuff that must be ironed out after a person dies - credit cards, bank accounts, health insurance. My sister and I helped Dad decide on a headstone and the wording/layout. We need to get POA for my Dad and update his will to account for the long-term care he will need.
Most people seem to be back to normal. Even my husband, who is amazing and has been so supportive and helpful the entire time of my mother's illness and the time after she died. My friends, co-workers. And why wouldn't they be back to normal? They didn't just lose their mother.
I thank God every day for my sister. She and I were Mom's caregivers when she went onto home hospice at my sister's house for 6 weeks. She is dealing with all the same stuff that I am. And even she and I are starting to get impatient with each other. I also thank God for my 9 year old son. He is soooo in tune with my feelings. He'll get home from school, put his hand on my cheek and ask, "Mom, did you have an ok day today?" Or if I'm having a tough day, he'll just out-of-the-blue hug me - a good, tight, long hug, without words. At bedtime, again the sweet hand on my cheek, "Mommy, are you missing Grammy tonight?" I love him more than words can capture.
But yes, I do grieve. I cry, I have moments of sadness or anger or frustration. I talk to Mom a lot. I feel like I'm dealing with this as most people would. But it still sucks right now.
This is just one of those sad and depressing rants. I am sorry. But I so desperately want life TO BE NORMAL AGAIN. Back the way it was before May 20, 2009. I miss my mother. I want to talk to her. I find myself for a split second reaching for the phone to call her, or when Dad calls and I see their number on caller ID I think it's her. I think how much she would've enjoyed the really warm Indian Summer day we had last week. How we'd already be planning the Thanksgiving meal, which is always a co-celebration of my sister's birthday.
I'm heading out this morning to visit her grave and place a beautiful potted mum there for her. She loved mums in the fall.
my mother lost her 16 month battle with CC 9/26/10
"Mothers have as powerful an influence over the welfare of future generations as all other earthly causes combined."