1 (edited by kimmie Fri, 22 Oct 2010 05:59:42)

Topic: How do you deal?

My mother died less than 4 weeks ago.  I understand that most people's lives have gone back to "normal" but not mine.

So why is it that the calls have all but ended?  Where are my friends?  The ones I would've sworn would continue to be supportive seem to have forgotten.  Though there are a few that have surprised me - ones I didn't think would continue to show they care, they are the ones that continue to check in to see how I am doing.

A general "How are you?" can't really be answered.  I want people to talk to me about my Mom.  I want to talk about my Mom!  She was a wonderful woman and I have many feelings right now about her death - anger, deep sadness, and still a bit disbelieving that she's actually gone from this earth.  I want to act like a toddler, stomp my feet and scream "This is NOT FAIR!"  I feel like my heart is going to burst from my chest sometimes.  I think an anti-anxiety med may be in my near future.

My nine year old son is the only one that asks me, multiple times a day, how I'm doing.  I don't think my husband knows what to say, so his way of helping is to pick up some slack with my mom/wife duties, which is a big help.  And of course I have my sister and brother, they're going through the same pain I am.  My sister and I have always been super-super close, but it's brought my brother and I closer, and for that I'm thankful.

I am having a very hard time dealing with my mother-in-law.  She is an absolutely wonderful person, kind and caring.  She lives next door, is retired but very fit and active, and has always been a huge help with my children.  This is hard to put into words, but there's a part of me that doesn't want to see or talk to her.  I met my husband when I was just barely 18, so she's been a part of my life for over 23 years.  She's the next closest thing I have to a mother - she's my husband's mother - but she is still here and my own mother is not.  Why do my kids get to still have her for a grandmother, but their Grammy is no longer a presence in their lives?  Does that sound insane?  I tried to verbalize this to my husband last night and he had this look on his face that I was crazy, he didn't know what to say.  I let it drop.

How can you ask for support when you really don't even know what to ask for?  I want to erase the last year and a half and have my mother back, but no one can give that back to me.

~Kim
my mother lost her 16 month battle with CC 9/26/10
"Mothers have as powerful an influence over the welfare of future generations as all other earthly causes combined."

Re: How do you deal?

Dearest Kimmie, it has not been that long but honestly I feel you should make an appointment with a Professional where you can just talk it out and will be understood. Everyone you are talking to does not fully understand as we all grieve diffrently and others may not agree with how we are handling things. When talking to a professional you know they will be unbiased. I am only afraid that the longer you wait the harder it will be to come to terms. You state that you feel you are at that point and that is good. I always say that those who admit they need some help are the ones who get better quicker. Thinking about you and sending you some hugs.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: How do you deal?

Thanks Lainy.  You are such a supportive person to so many on this website, and truly an inspiration.  The word "grace" comes to mind whenever I read your posts.

Hospice offers complimentary one-on-one and group counseling to families of patients up to a year after the death of their loved one.  I have a message in to them already.  I'm not a fan of taking medication on a regular basis, especially with some of the side effects I read about for anti-anxiety meds.  But the risks may outweigh the benefits at this point.

And I guess there's some truth to your comment, "Everyone you are talking to does not fully understand..."  Unless they've lost a parent or someone close, maybe they DO think I should be getting over it now.  It's just that I would imagine if a close friend of mine lost her mother, and she was extremely close to her mother, that I would be doing all I could for her.  I had so much support during Mom's time on hospice - meals, childcare, yardwork, etc. - but it's gone. 

I guess I'm angry, and I would really like to be angry AT someone.  But there's really no one to be angry at, no one to blame.  It is what it is, and time will lessen the raw grief I am feeling.

~Kim
my mother lost her 16 month battle with CC 9/26/10
"Mothers have as powerful an influence over the welfare of future generations as all other earthly causes combined."

Re: How do you deal?

I am so glad you put a call in to Hospice. You are not crazy and you are not alone. Perhaps you will not even need anything, just someone to talk to who understands. Don't fault the others they all do the best they can. Thinking about you!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: How do you deal?

Oh Kimmie,

Believe me I know exactly how you feel.  It was a year for me in April since my Mom died.  I've stood exactly where you are now and I know the pain of not being able to verbalize the hurts and make people UNDERSTAND HOW BAD I FELT!!!!

I too hate taking anything pill wise but I did take Welbutrin for about 4 months.  It was very helpful and did get me "over the worst" part.  You can read some of my posts by searching Cherbourg. 

Anger is a part of this.  Also frustration and even the irrational feelings.  There is no easy way through this but I promise you will get through.  You are the best legacy your Mom left.  Try to dwell on the positives....she isn't hurting or sick anymore.  You were the most amazing daughter who supported her throughout this journey of dealing with this monster of a disease.

We are here for you anytime.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers daily.

I'm sending hugs, prayers, and lots of love,
Pam

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.

Re: How do you deal?

Kimmie,

I could have written your post!  I know the heartache that you are feeling.  It is awful, isn't it????

My dad died in 1996, and I was amazed how many of my "friends" disappeared.  I know that they had no idea how I felt, because they had never been through what I just went through, and thank goodness for them, but I needed them, and they were NOT there.  Needless to say, I cut myself off from them.  I was 21 when he died, and I changed.  I became so guarded, and have never been the same.  I let very few people into my life.  Mom died Sept 2009, and I went through the same kind of thing, but this time more with my family.  When Dad died, I had my Mom, this time I had NO ONE.  I have a wonderful husband, who has stood by me through EVERYTHING, but that is about it. 

I wish that I could give you some helpful advice, but I don't have any sad.  I know that I hated to hear it, but time does help.  It does NOT completely heal your pain, but it does help a little.

I didn't mean to go on and on about myself, just wanted you to know that you and I feel very much alike!

Big hugs to you,
Amy

Re: How do you deal?

Pam and Amy, thank you!  Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy having some of these feelings, but you validated them for me.  I know it will take time to lessen the pain.  And I'm done being angry at my friends.  They just have no idea what I'm going through.  I'm also done putting up a good front.  I've always been a Type A, get-it-done kind of person, and hated to show my feelings or be too emotional - that was always my mother and sister's department.  When people ask how I am, I just say "OK."  I think I'll be more honest with my friends that I am NOT ok.

Pam, I'm pretty sure they use Wellbutrin to help people quit smoking too?  Maybe I'll request to go on that and kill two birds with one stone - curb my anxiety and kick the habit!  My mother always asked my brother and I both to quit smoking.  The last time she asked was not long after her "terminal" diagnosis.  I told her it was much too stressful of a time to quit, but that we would once the craziness was over.  I made my brother shake on it that we would - now that cancer has hit so close to home, why increase our risk even more?

My husband and my son just left for a weekend of camping with the Cub Scout pack.  My daughter and I are going shopping and out to dinner tonight.  I had this split-second desire to call and invite my mother to come with us.  I still forget she's gone sometimes.  I guess once those "give Mom a quick call" urges subside, I'll know I've turned the corner.

~Kim
my mother lost her 16 month battle with CC 9/26/10
"Mothers have as powerful an influence over the welfare of future generations as all other earthly causes combined."

Re: How do you deal?

Hi Kimmie,
I totally can relate to your story.  First I would like to say sorry for the loss of your precious Mother.  My Aunt Sophie lost her battle July 2nd, 2010.  She was like a mom to me.  My feelings for her were so strong and she made a huge impact on my life.  My kids were close to her like a Grandma.  People either do not know what to say or are afraid to upset you possibly.  After that first week of my Aunt's passing she was not brought up to me by friends or husband even.  We will be sitting on the couch and I will say,"I miss my Aunt so much!"  He will just nod.  My sister is struggling like me.  I look at a picture and get emotional. Think of how we used to go to movies or a car ride and want that but can't.
The thing about the mother in law is a feeling I have also and Sophie was my Aunt not Mom.  My husbands Mom lives 15 minutes from where my Aunt used to.  I do not want to go down (8 hours) because we will not see my Aunt. That relationship may suffer till I get through this.  My thoughts are with you.  Losing someone special hurts. 

Hollie

Re: How do you deal?

Kimmie,

I think you're right about the Welbutrin.  Being a Cytologist, I see way too much lung cancer coming across my microscope!  You should be proud of yourself for making the decision to stop!  I also know about the "better health" promises. 

I've struggled with weight issues as has my daughter for the last 10 years.  Most of it due to thyroid issues.  I know it bothered my Mom a lot and so in July I started to do something about it.  Two weeks ago I had lap band surgery and my daughter will be going with her husband for her final appointment to set her surgery date on Friday.  I did it for me but also with my Mom's concern in mind.

I miss her so much!  I wanted to call and tell her and have her come and take care of me.  I used to call her everyday on my way home from work and we would end up talking for almost 30 minutes.  That is STILL such a void in my life.

Just remember to keep taking those baby steps.  I also tried to remind myself that Mom would want me to be happy as would yours.  I still have conversations with her in my mind every day.  I like to picture my Mom in heaven having conversations with other loved ones about their children.

Just remember... we're here for you!

Hugs, love and prayers coming your way!
Pam

Hang in there and I'm always here if you need a shoulder, or a cheerleader.

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.