Topic: My Tom is gone...

My dear husband Tom  passed away Fri. November 19th. Our hearts are broken. Luckily he went quickly and he never had any pain. He was up and about and eating a little the day before he died. I feel like I've been fired from a very emotionally intense job. I'm no longer a wife or a nurse. I know he is fine. He always said he was. Two days before he died he told my daughter when she called that he was wonderful. We're the ones that aren't fine but hopefully someday we will be. He was such an inspiration to so many. He was told 6-12 months and made it 5 1/2 years. People like to give me credit and I know I helped him along the way but it was mainly him. He was just a physically tough guy! He would never quit.  Even Friday when we thought he was gone, he started breathing again for another 45 minutes. We just told him to relax and go. He'd fought hard enough for a long enough time. I want to thank everyone through all of these years for their love and support. Unfortunately Tom was the last person left from all of our friends that were here when I started on this blog. He was obviously one of the lucky ones.
   Lainey, I hope he is in heaven enjoying a great italian dinner with Teddy!! He loved lasagna and spaghetti. He kept reaching up and talking to his Dad and Mom when he seemed confused. I hope he's having a great big reunion with all of his friends and family.
   Marion, thank-you so much for calling Sunday night. I really needed to talk to someone about what we went through and your timing was perfect.
   I love all of you and through all of this grief we have had a ton of blessings too. Good things do come from bad.
            Best wishes to all of you and I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving.                            Mary

Re: My Tom is gone...

Oh Mary, I am so sorry for your loss.  We have lost 2 of our Tom's in the past few day's.  sad   He did put up a good fight and got  a lot more time than he was told, but no matter what we are told we are never ready for it when it actually happens.   It is good that he wasn't in pain and passed quickly.  He no longer has to fight this battle and he will always be with you in your heart and memories.   Know that I am thinking of you and your family.

With Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: My Tom is gone...

Dearest Mary, no words can describe what I am feeling for you and your family. Tom and Teddy ran pretty neck and neck and you bet they are together sharing a plate of Lasagna. Tom & Ted 2 of the very, very best. And you are right in that some of the emptyness comes from being fired from our jobs as Care Takers. Just know that I am cyber sending love and prayers to you and your family.

If I should be the first to go,
And leave you alone, my Dear,
Let not your heart be lonely,
Nor in your eyes a tear.
Grieve not for me, my Darling,
I’ll not be far away,
With petals of love and tenderness,
I’ll pave for you the way.
To join me in our sanctuary,
And ne’er again we’ll part.
Grieve not for me, my Darling,
I live within your heart.
Take joy again in living,
As you did in years gone by;
God knows what of he’s doing,
And not be questioned why.
Grieve not for me, my Darling,
My life with you on earth
Each moment filled with happiness,
And love so few be worth.
I’ll be waiting for you Sweetheart
Where skys are ever blue,
With eager heart and open arms
Patiently, for you.
Grieve not for me, my Darling,
May faith and my love keep.
Your soul filled with contentment
Eternally, I sleep.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My Tom is gone...

Dear Mary,
I am so sorry to hear that Tom has passed. I haven't been on this site very long, but you always have a kind word to say to me. You were such an awesome wife and caregiver to Tom. I hope that gives you comfort to know that you did everything you could for him. I am glad he went peacefully. God bless you, Mary, as you face this difficult and sad time. I will be thinking of you and praying for you to find peace.

Love,-Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: My Tom is gone...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss...my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love,
Michelle

Re: My Tom is gone...

Dear Mary,

I am so very sorry to hear of the passing of Tom. Please accept my sincerest condolences. I wish at times there was something that I could say that would help, but please know we are all here for you. My thoughts are with you and your family right now.

Gavin

Any advice or comments I give are based on personal experiences and knowledge and are my opinions only, they are not to be substituted for professional medical advice. Please seek professional advice from a qualified doctor or medical professional.

Re: My Tom is gone...

Dear Mary,
My heart is with you and your family today. 

xxooBetsy

Re: My Tom is gone...

Dear Mary,

Please accept my heartfelt condolences.   

Lainy's Teddy is going to have a full table this Thanksgiving.  Tom will be welcomed with open arms.

Love,
Diane

Re: My Tom is gone...

Dear Mary,

I, too, am sorry for your loss.  You have been one of the very best caregivers.

With prayers and love,
Kathy

Re: My Tom is gone...

Dear Mary,

So very sorry to read your sad news that Tom has passed away. Sending you peace and strength to face the days and weeks ahead. Tom will never be far away from you, and I hope like Lainy you will come to see the signs.

Hugs to you and all your family,

Katie

Re: My Tom is gone...

Mary,
I am so very sorry for your devastating loss.
C x

Re: My Tom is gone...

Hi, Mary,
I am so sorry to learn about Tom's passing.
May God's Grace be always with you and your family.

Please know that my personal opinion is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. If  provided, information are for educational purposes.Consult doctor is a MUST for changing of treatment plans.

Re: My Tom is gone...

Dear Mary,
So very sorry for your loss and the hole that is your chest.  I pray for your healing...I know the road you are about to travel.  His strength will carry you through, as it has many of us on this board.  Peace be dear lady.
Karen

Wishing all God's blessings!

Re: My Tom is gone...

Dear Mary,

My deepest sympathy to you and your family at this heartbreaking time.

Hugs

Andrea x

Devoted Daughter to the most wonderful Dad a girl could ask for.  Sadly lost his battle on 19.02.11, peacefully in the arms of Mom and I.  As requested by Dad "we will keep on smiling".

Re: My Tom is gone...

I am new to the board, and didn't know Tom's story, but what a fighter he was.  My mom died November 17th, so hopefully they have met each other and will be enjoying Thanksgiving in heaven together. 

Hugs and love

Becky

*~Becky~*
Loving daughter of Kathy, diagnosed with CC July 18, 2011.  She passed quietly in her sleep on November 17, 2011.

Re: My Tom is gone...

Mary:

I'm so sorry to hear of your Tom passing, but just like my Tom they are at peace.  I know first hand what you and your family are going through. 
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Huss,
Margaret

Re: My Tom is gone...

Mary, I am so sorry you lost Tom.  He will always be with you.  You were an amazing wife and took great care of him.

Re: My Tom is gone...

We've made it through the hardest part with my Tom's calling hours on Fri. and service on Sat. Everything was perfect. Tom told me to do  what I wanted and I think he would have been happy. My Tom was a great singer like Teddy. He did musical theater in his youth, sang in the Ohio Youth choir throughout Europe when he was 16 and in church choirs the past 20 years. In 1993 his Dad, himself and 3 brothers did a mini-concert at church that my sister-in-law recorded but I had never seen. I was laying awake the Sun after he died thinking of the service and decided to call her and see if she still had the video. She did so we played it in the middle of the service. They  were so good, no one had a dry eye but it was really special. We also had a family party video from 1986 where Tom and his brothers played guitar and sang while all of our kids ran around playing their toy guitars etc. We played that during the calling hour before the service. After the service my best girlfriend came up to me and said "leave it to Tom to figure out a way to sing at his own funeral!!" That was great. My 2 son's and stepson were unbelievable strong and each got up and eulogized their Dad and my daughter and I wrote

Re: My Tom is gone...

okay, the site is giving me fits too today. Anyway, the minister read letters that Sarah wrote and that I wrote and his very talented choir director played the piano. We had a great turnout too but because of the holidays some of our friends and relatives were out of town. The weather was beautiful though. My three boys went up to the dam of a lake just a few miles from our home the night Tom died and they saw a fantastic metoer shower. They told about that at the funeral and others there said they saw it too. I went out and sat and swang on our beautiful swing Tom made for the kids the night after he died from about 4am until dawn. It was so peaceful and warm for Nov., there was just a soft breeze in our big old maple trees. I felt his presence and I know my boys felt the shower was a sign even though they don't necessarily believe all of that. I think we'll be fine in time. Like so many said at his funeral, no matter how sick Tom was he always said he was fine , great or wonderful! I guess we will have to be too. Thanks everyone and Lainey if the site doesn't put your entire poem you sent me could you e-mail it to me? I loved it. I'm going to call you one of these days!! LOve MAry

Re: My Tom is gone...

Mary, so sorry for your loss.  What a fighter!  I know how you feel, just losing my Mom.  She was diagnosed in July & passed 2 months yesterday.  Hard to believe it is already 2 months.  I know what you mean when you say you were a wife and a nurse.  I was a daughter and a nurse as well.  I spent every evening with her since she started getting sick.  Also searched endlessly on the internet and this site for as much info I could absorb.  Her passing was of course awful, but a relief as well.  I really didn't know what to do after she left us.  I was always, this summer, doing anything I could to help her & help her fight this terrible disease.  We scattered some of her ashes yesterday in a beautiful river in SC that leads to the ocean.  She loved vacationing there.  We would all fish & crab on that dock.  It was (& still will be) our family spot.  God bless you & your family.  This site has helped me heal & I know it is helping you too.  Praying for a cure every day.
Pam

Re: My Tom is gone...

Mary,

I am sad to see this news and so sorry for your loss. Tom struggled mightily and you were right there beside him through the ups and downs. You say the credit is all his but as a librarian I say everyone has a book in them and you surely could write one on caregiving and the support and information you have provided others on this board is a selfless gift.

I am glad you were able to share those years together and know that you and your children and grandchildren will cherish them. I saw this quote yesterday and it really resonated with me:

Grief is, in a sense, the bill that comes due for love. ~George Saunders

My take on it is that when we choose to love we risk sadness, yet people choose to love every day so the risk must be worth taking.

Visit us for support when you feel the need, we are here.

Patty

Re: My Tom is gone...

Mary....this reads like a beautiful story of a wonderful day. And, so it was. Yes you and the boys will be fine - you will get there....one day at a time.
Love right back at you,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: My Tom is gone...

Mary, what Peace you all had surrounding  "Tom's Funeral" before and after....has to be a very important message in there for you all. The Meteor Shower....icing on the cake, how beautiful.  Our guys really come through don't they?
My daughter just posted some pictures from Thanksgiving on FB and I am trying to figure out how to transfer 2 of them here as we believe Teddy was here in one of the BIGGEST Orbs I have ever seen, right on a Grandson.  For those who don't know or who have never seen an Orb in a picture it is fascinating! What poem are you talking about? They let me post any poem in it's entirety, guess they are afraid of cutting me off!!!:):) I made a promise to myself that I would post something every month for a year, on the 6th. I am all ready for the first anniversary Dec. 6th..last poem and final. If you tell me which one I will e mail it to you, and please feel free to contact me any time, I would love it. I am so here right with you!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My Tom is gone...

Lainey,
  It's the poem you sent above in your comments to me. It seems to be cut off in the middle. If you could e-mail it to me with your phone number that would be great. We're doing okay. The nights are the worst and the holidays! You know all about that. They gave me a candle with Tom's picture on it that I light everynight by my bed and I light one under his big picture that we  blew up for his funeral. I'd like to get that one on here. It's a great picture of "farmer Tom". It just feels like he's closer that way. I'll be in touch. Love, Mary

Re: My Tom is gone...

Comin right over!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.