I lost my husband Tom on 11/20/2011 and I still feel 'numb', both mentally and physically. I go through the motions. I still have not 'grieved' as I feel that I should. I have tears now and then but not the total meltdown that I expected.
I think part of that has been because I've always had to be his strong when he was weak. I had to be his positive when he was negative. I could not show him my tears because it would make him more depressed. For three years and 8 months I carried my pain inside, because I knew that he was worried about me and he felt that he was a burden for me, always having to help him and to keep track of his pills, doctor appointments, arranging rides when I could not get off work....so this motto of appearing to be such a strong woman to help him get through everything has apparently been so ingrained in me that now I cannot grieve properly for him!
I don't know where I'll be emotionally after 5 months but I'm sure that it will be par with where you are now. I've always had to be the strong one in our family of 9 children, because the others were always basket cases, like when our parents passed on. I was the one who made all the arrangements, etc. Maybe it's a genetic flaw with me.
I do know that I miss him horribly, my thoughts are constantly about him and I wonder the would of, could of's should of's and all of the what if's.
I am trying to just be myself, but without Tom I feel like 1/2 a person. He and I did everything together.
Do as I do and just take it one day at a time. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to wear his sweater or shirt, then wear it. That is what I do. I find myself sitting in his chair that he spent many of his last days in. I wear the fleece that he was wearing when he passed away every day. I remember all the good times we had together. Maybe that is my way of grieving.
Go with God and take it one day at a time, one hour at a time or one minute at a time.