Topic: Oh my god the pain is so deep!

It's the first long weekend without my best friend and it will be 2 months since his passing tomorrow. I woke up this morning crying and it is 9PM and I just can't stop.
I finally realize Frank is not on a business trip or visiting his Mom in England, he is gone and never coming home. Oh my God the pain is so bad, it is so deep it feels like my insides are just ripping away.I try to rationlize why after 2 months it has hit me so hard, I know that I've been waiting for him to come home.
It's my first long weekend and we would have gone somewhere to spend some time together. We were raising our Granddaughter and spent alot of time catering to her. She is a competitive dancer and we took off many weekends for competitions and Frank stayed at home. We agreed that once she was in university we would start to travel and enjoy our lives together. It did not work out that way. She will be in university in 3 years.
I miss him so so so much. I am going back to work on Tuesday and Frank would normally call me at least 3 times a day and when I was having a bad day I would call him and he would always be available for me. When he knew I was upset he would show up at my office with coffee and donuts. He was a great man!!!!!!!!!!!
What I miss the most are his hands. My husband had the nicest hands. They were strong masculine hands. You see the ads with the older couple holding hands walking down the street that was my husband- my best friend. His holding my hand was like a security blanket. I always felt safe holding his hand. I miss that so much.
I guess I'm just rambling but I don't know where else to go to express my pain. We deserved so much more time. He conquered drug and alcohol addiction 15 years ago. He went from being a terrible husband to being the most wonderful man. He conquered so much but the dreaded CANCER conquered us.
28 years and now I have nothing. Will this pain go away? I have a deep hole inside of me that cannot be filled by family or friends. You have to love your spouse deeply and then loose them to fully understand my PAIN.

I'm sorry for going on but thank you for being here to vent.

Re: Oh my god the pain is so deep!

We're here for you.

G

3 (edited by marions Wed, 05 Sep 2007 20:22:00)

Re: Oh my god the pain is so deep!

Dear Macks,

My heart goes out to you, and I so very much understand your pain.  I too have lost my husband, the love of my life.  He passed away February 7, 2007. 

During the last seven months I have experienced different stages of grieving, the disbelief, the yearning, the anger, the depression, until now, finding myself teetering with the acceptance of the reality that he simply will not return.

My yearning for him has not diminished in fact; it has become my constant companion. 

I never knew how to live just

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Oh my god the pain is so deep!

Dear Macks- I cry reading your message but am hear to tell you first hand that although the memories and the love will always be there in your heart you will get through this for all the others in your life who need you to be there and holding there hands when needed.   I lost my first husband and best friend when I was only 34.  He died of lung cancer after a corageous battle of a horrible chem combination that was experimental.   He did survive 7 years after diagnosis and we had a wonderful life together.   So here I am again with my now best friend fighting this horrible disease.  I only hope that my Dave will survive 7 years too.   We have known each other for 30 years but have only been married for 2.5 yrs.   Hang on to the love in your heart for support and know that you and your husband were blessed with the time and life you had.  Hoping for peace to come to you.   Patrice

Re: Oh my god the pain is so deep!

I can so much sympathise with your feeling. My husband of 33 years died 16 months ago and sometimes I feel worse that I did in the early months. I am getting used to life without him, I don't expect to see him around the house or at my side when I go walking and I can't recall the sound of his voice but I am weeping as I write this. The feelings don't seem to have changed - the scars haven't healed over. Whoever said time is a healer didn't say how long it takes to work.

In my head I can be grateful for the time we had together but I still have that sense of unreality. Like you, I look at couples of my age who are doing things together, like travelling -even just walking in the park and I feel so alone! I have great kids and I am able to see them weekly I have good friends but there is a hole at the centre of my world. I feel like half a person.
By nature I am a do-er and I have been busy. Maybe that's the problem I haven't faced up to the reality but I keep it supressed.
I think about death all the time not suicidal thoughts but facing up to the reality. I'm not scared to die. I don't know if I believe in life after death but I really hope that there is something and I will see him again.
If there is a little consolation for me it's in the phrase 'Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' and the more you love the deeper the loss.
My thoughts are with you.

Re: Oh my god the pain is so deep!

So glad you were able to share that with us, no need to apologize.
I can only say that I am so sorry you are suffering, and that I am thinking of you.
Much love.

Re: Oh my god the pain is so deep!

I lost my younger sister to this horrible disease. I feel the pain every day. I miss her so much, she was my best friend. She left four beautiful young children and her husband behind. I just cannot make sense of it... those babies needed their mom so much! She tried so hard to fight it, but just six months after she was diagnosed, she passed away. I have been through so many emotions, but most of the time I feel angry.

I just wanted to vent somewhere too! Thanks!

Karen

Re: Oh my god the pain is so deep!

Vent away love, vent away!
It is shocking to lose ANYONE, but to lose your younger sister, there is something so WRONG about that.
Much love to you too.

Re: Oh my god the pain is so deep!

Kate G

I'm sure, it's hard to find words to comfort others who just had lost loved ones but to say that there is something so "WRONG" losing a younger sister is so insensitive!  I just lost my husband of 19 years a month ago and I know God doesn't discriminate. 

Karen,
To give you a little comfort,  your sister is now in heaven rejoicing!  No more pains!  Reading, "90 Minutes in Heaven"  by Don Piper has given me some comfort I needed and I'm am now reading his latest book, "Heaven Is Real".

Take care,

Edith

10 (edited by Kate G Fri, 14 Sep 2007 13:31:43)

Re: Oh my god the pain is so deep!

My apologies Edith for any offence caused.

Re: Oh my god the pain is so deep!

Thank you Edith and Kate! I am going to look for the books you suggested, Edith.
Kate, I know what you meant, a person thinks if they grew up taking care of someone and being there for them all your life, and then they pass away before you, it doesn't seem right. She was only 32 years old. But, as we all have to learn the hard way, so many times age has nothing to do with it. Thank you both again!

Karen

Re: Oh my god the pain is so deep!

Karen,
You're right - and Kate meant no offense. I have often heard (and said) that losing a child must be the worst pain, because they're so much younger for one thing -- but all of us here know that when you lose a loved one it doesn't matter what their relation to you -- we can't compare and quantify because the heartbreak is the same. People think I should "get over" the loss of my mother because you're supposed to outlive your parents, just as many women expect to outlive their husbands -- but it doesn't make the pain any less. It's just more shocking when someone younger goes before you do, and that's what Kate meant. I know Kate is a good egg!

We ALL feel the anger and grief, and none of us is trying to diminish the importance of another's suffering. When my stepfather died 4 years ago no one thought it was important either, because he wasn't my biological father -- but he was the best father in the world to me.

My condolences to you on the loss of your sister - someone else on this board lost a sister and it made me realize how much I should treasure mine. You've reminded me of that again and I needed that - because frankly she drives me crazy sometimes!! I'll make sure to appreciate her more -- thank you!

-Joyce