Topic: It's now three years since I lost my Mom....

I find I tend to use this date every year as a benchmark of where and how I am feeling.

I spent last night rereading my posts about my Mom and was surprised to realize I don't remember things as clearly as I thought.  I guess it's true that time seems to shave off the sharp, hurtful rememberances and leaves you with a more positive and polished version of the truth.

This year has had some surprises.  I guess the biggest is my Dad has started dating a wonderful lady in their church.  She and her husband were aquaintences of my parents.  She lost her husband to cancer about 8 years ago.  About 6 months ago I began to worry about my Dad.  Everytime I called he was "watching" a movie or tv.  He was also adding a few pounds and just seemed very lonely.

Then about 5 months ago he casually mentioned that he invited someone to lunch.  He told me he needed to get my opinion on something.  Turns out I think he was asking my  I told him all I wanted was for him to be happy.  I reminded him that I was still the child and he was the parent and he didn't need my permission to do anything!  We laughed.  I told him I had seen him work through his grief and I knew he was lonely.  I knew even if I was with him 24/7 it's not like I could ever be his contemporary. 

I have to admit this was so strange and foreign.  Mom and Dad were married for 58 years and had dated since they were in the 8th grade.  Mom and I had even had the talk where she said she hoped Daddy would find someone after she was gone.  (My Mom tended to plan for  I rank that as one of the most surreal conversations I ever had with my Mom!

Long story short my Dad is back to the way he was with Mom.  Busy, projects to do, trips to take, has lost the 25 lbs. and is laughing! 

Faye is a lovely woman and has a busy life herself.  She and Dad have the same circle of friends and are in the same Sunday school class.  She is surprisingly very much like my Mom in physical appearance, and dress.  She has a sense of humor and is very involved in church and family.  My sister has had some problems with this I think but I'm surprised that I didn't.  My husband asked how I felt and I told him I was surprised but I just wanted my Daddy to be happy and healthy.  Daddy told me no one would ever replace my Mom and he could never replace Faye's husband.  Her two children have met my Dad and they approve.

So all in all this circle of life continues with assorted surprises and different turns and curves in the road.  I still have moments when I can become passing someone wearing my Mom's perfume or something triggers a memory of Mom.  I still wish I could just hear her voice. 

On the whole I'd say I'm more or less back but then I remember I will never be the old Pam.  I think I'm more compassionate and hopefully more empathetic.  I guess it's that I now embrace the NEW normal more and more.

As I've said before....the site has been a godsend and the people here have helped me so much.  Thank you seems so inadequate but I do thank all of you for being with me!

Hugs to all of you as we continue the journey....


My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.

Re: It's now three years since I lost my Mom....

Dear Pam,

What a wonderful, uplifting story. You all seem to be coping very well. No one will ever replace your dear, sweet Mother. I think it is so great that your Dad found someone that has been through similar circumstances. I am sure they both have a deep understanding of what each other has been through. Sounds like a really nice match. Your Mom and Faye's husband probably had something to do with it from heaven. I know what you mean when you say you will never be the old Pam. Sometimes I wish for my old life, but then I realize I am a better person now and appreciate everything so much more. I think the part of my life I miss is when everyone in my family was well. No sick child. That is the most heartbreaking part. I wish you and your family continued happiness and fond memories of your Mom. Take care. Great to hear from you again. You were very supportive when I first joined this site and I thank you.

Love, -Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: It's now three years since I lost my Mom....

Lovely to see you, Pam and your post though bitter-sweet was beautiful.
I have a confession to make and that is I went on a dating site (for entertainment) and met a man (I thought) who so reminded me of Teddy as Faye reminds you of your Mom. It only took 2 weeks and I listened to my gut and told him, I didn't think it would work. Here is my point, Teddy had been the Daddy Robin never had. They adored and worshipped each other and when she heard I was meeting this guy for lunch, even after she approved him via his picture, she just sobbed. Now she is hoping I meet someone and says that she cried as it was the first one after Teddy.
Your sister will get used to it, your Dad deserves to be happy, life is too short and it can be very lonely! It is so good to hear from you!