1 (edited by Deb_ Fri, 18 May 2012 02:50:12)

Topic: Grieving Angry Widow

I recently started a blog for the purpose of venting and getting all my emotions and grief out there through words. I guess it's a little bit depressing so far but I intend to keep a real raw diary of how the kids and I are coping in these early days without my husband, their Dad.

It's here if anyone's interested. I'm not ready to show it to any family or friends in everyday life yet!
http://grievingangrywidow.blogspot.com/

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." [Henri Nouwen]

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

Deb,

I will read your blog. I have tried to read almost all the blogs on here. It is usually pretty heavy stuff, but I learn a lot from others. I write a blog for my daughter and I find it to be very therapeutic. I hope you do too. Take care.

Love, -Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

Dear Deb, it's beautifully expressive and your pain is clearly very raw. I really hope blogging helps you. I don't write much on mine, but I do find the process of updating helps me process what is happening and to realise how far I've travelled since my sister's diagnosis.

My love to you and the children.

Julia xx

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician."

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

Thanks Pam and Julia. smile

I know that I'm in a haze quite often these days so I'm hoping that by logging everything it will help in months and years to come to remember how these days were.

xxx

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." [Henri Nouwen]

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

Dear Deb,

I really hesitated to go and read the blog as I didn't know how I would handle it, but am glad I finally got up the courage to do so.

It took me back to those early days after Jim passed.  He has been gone about 3 1/2 years, but little by little it all returns.

I didn't blog but did start journaling  a few months in.  It does help to get it out.

You have a right to own your feelings.  Everything you feel and do is normal for you and your circumstances.  Everyone grieves in ther own way and time.  It is not something to be rushed.  You will find that you will have good days & bad.  It seems to come in waves.  All you can do is go with it and do the best you can.

I was 60 when Jim passed and my boys are both in their 40's.  I can just imagine what you are are dealing with at your age and with three children who also need you more now than ever.

So much of what is in your blog I remember feeling, too.  There is nothing easy about any of this and no one can know what it is like unless they too have been where we are now.

All I can tell you is to just keep on doing what you are doing.  Do the best that you can and take things as they come.  One day at a time.

Take care of yourself and your children now.   Thinking of you.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

Darla,

Thank you for your kind words and support. Sometimes I don't feel normal anymore even though I know that grieving is such a difficult unpredictable process so as you say whatever I feel now is normal but I guess it's easy for me to say that and difficult to carry it out in day to day life. Some family members are uncomfortable around me and the kids now. I'm so disappointed in them. Others have been great. But some of the the greatest pain of the last few months has been in recent weeks the realisation that life truly does continue as normal for others (even those closest to me like my brothers), it really does just go on for them, but of course not for us, not like before.

Deb xxx

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." [Henri Nouwen]

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

Deb, 

It is hard to look around and see everyone else living their lives as before when ours has been turned upside down.  We have to learn how to live the same life in a totally different way.  Our's will never be the same.  I too have been very disappointed with many of my friends and family.  They were there in the beginning, but then it seems they just feel we have recovered and are doing OK.  This is not a sickness.  It doesn't go away.  we just have to learn how to deal with it.   I find even now that people are uncomfortable with me.  Especially if I want to talk about Jim or my feelings.  Most times the subject gets changed real quick.  We need to talk about our feelings and we need to remember.  Not talking about it doesn't make it go away.  It is real.  They were here and now they are gone and we are left to pick up the pieces. 

I am fortunate to have one good friend who's husband passed away 3 months after Jim.  Our lives have been much the same and we share so much.  We know what the other is thinking and feeling and although we don't get together too often, we email daily.  Her support along with this site have been a great help to me.

Grieving is tough.   I have posted this quote before.  "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."  This is so true.

I'm hoping for you to find your strength and also someone who will listen and understand.  Take care Deb.  Know I am thinking of you and that I care.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

Beautiful quote, Darla.

I, too, find old friends are dropping away. I have happy memories of the friendships but they just feel such a long time ago. It's so true that "the past is another country".

I've cared for my sister for nearly 3 years now and the friends I'm thinking of seem to think I should be finding it quite easy by now ...

Other friends have more sense.

Jx

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician."

9 (edited by marions Thu, 03 May 2012 03:44:07)

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

Deb…..It has been said grieving has no timeline. Our Doctor Giles once mentioned that is a tender time not to be hurried through.  We are mourning our presence and the loss of our future, as we had imagined it to be.  Personally I don’t think that we can “start over” rather I believe we move forward one step at a time; one day at a time.  The world continues to follow the pattern of renewal, daytime followed by nighttime, spring, summer, fall, and winter.  And, we are in it for the ride.  Don’t expect too much of yourself, dear Deb.  Slowly allow yourself to make plans for tomorrow, next, week, next months, and so on.  The hole in our heart is huge, but it is filled with the memories of the past - and therein lays our strengths.  The expectations we have of others often times lead to disappointments, but I have learned that people cannot fix what is broken in us because; their lives have not been affected in the same way. 
Deb, one day you will look back at this time of loss and sorrow and wonder how you have managed to see again the wonders of our world. It takes time, dear Deb. 
Hugs,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

I also read your blog Deb and really appreciate you sharing this with us.

Melissa

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

I woke up this morning and felt Diarmuid's presence so profoundly. It was unbelievably real and it was wonderful to think of him being here again. It emphasised to me just how much we're missing by not having him in our lives. I'm so glad that I can recall his presence with such clarity. I'm not ready yet to think that such a presence will not be real anymore. Before I lost these precious thoughts and feelings I wrote about them in my blog. http://grievingangrywidow.blogspot.com/ … s-not.html

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." [Henri Nouwen]

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

Oh, Deb, welcome to my world of believers, we have quite a few here. I feel Teddy is so around me all the time. I have an on going log of his many visits. In a year and a half there are over 50. Most often he comes through music. I keep the "oldie" station on in the car and invariably one of our 4 songs comes through when I am driving. So many wonderful things have happened and I would like to share a few so you can notice if these things happen to you. I think I remember you both were connected by music as well.
A sudden brisk chill that leaves as fast as it appears. A favorite song coming on at opportune times. Pennies and dimes laying around. I will wake up and hear someone else breathing. When you take family pictures and orbs appear on them. A whif of his cologne. A light that blinks on and off but does not need replacing. TV and radio going softer and louder. So much has happened that I know he is here and bottom line to me is this is how I get through. I always say he is just in the next room. I must add I have moved to an apartment and love it and his visits are not as much. Maybe he knows I am happy now and doing good, but there are times I do feel his prescence so closely. Keep believing, stay open to it and you will be astounded as to what you will feel. It is still hard to talk about him without a few tears but they are more of a beautiful memory type of tear. If I am having a more than ususal "missing" moment I read the log and know he is still with me, then I say to myself, "shame on you, you had 17 years of what most people never have in a lifetime". And all that makes me feel so much better. Keep watching, listening and looking and you will know just what I am trying to put in to words. It all takes time, Deb, but you will find a comfort zone in that time.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

13 (edited by Darla Tue, 05 Jun 2012 20:59:00)

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

Dear Deb,

I read your blog and love your openess and honesty.  I too have had many of these experiences since Jim passed.  I have to believe as not to believe would mean losing him forever and I'm not willing to do that.  Feeling his presence and knowing he is here for me is comforting and keeps me strong. 

Stay open to these feelings and you will see more signs that he is still with you, just in a different way.  I too feel I was lucky to have had 45 wonderful years which is more than most can hope for, but it still isn't fair.  I guess I wanted more.  I wanted it all.

Thinking of you and your children and wishing you well in the days to come.

Take care.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

14 (edited by Deb_ Tue, 05 Jun 2012 16:18:53)

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

Melissa, Marion, Julia, Lainy, Pam and Darla, sorry for the late response to your responses (!). I just wanted to say thank you both for the lovely messages of support and the feedback on my blog. I rudely forgot to say thank you to many of you earlier.

Yes, it is good to stay open to those feelings of his presence in the room. Sometimes it's easier to shut it all out and sometimes I truly welcome the 'feel' of him around me.

xxx

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." [Henri Nouwen]

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

Deb,

I can't tell you how touched I am by reading your blog.  I lost my Mom to this monster of a disease in  April, 2009.  I still have moments when I can be completely unhinged by passing someone wearing her perfume or catch myself believing I'm seeing her up ahead in a crowd....

I think I came out of the fog about 3 or 4 months after her death.  I had helped handle everything, wrote all the thank you notes, been there for my Dad and sister and my husband and children and all of a sudden I was blinded by full unmitigated grief.  I remember being totally shocked that most of the world had indeed moved on.  Talk about ANGER??!!!  I was grieving and no one seemed to be comfortable even mentioning my Mom's name out loud.  I think the final straw was when my best friend of 20 plus years told me, "Get over it"....all of your tears and saddness won't bring her back.  You need to be happy."  I can truthfully say it's only my southern upbringing and my fear of prison that ensured she is alive today....the friendship not so much....

I learned to play the "I'm fine" game at least up to a point.  I wasn't fine, wasn't ever going to be all fine, my God I had lost my Mom.  An aquaintance told me that my depth of grief was a direct measure of my love for my Mom.  She knew how deep my grieving was and was a godsend for being willing to listen to me talk and grieve without any expectations or time limits.   

Keep writing.  I'll keep reading....someway, somehow we will find our new pathways.

Hugs!
Pam

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

To Deb, Pam and the rest who have lost, please allow me to repost this poem I wrote about 6 months after Teddy passed. It helps me to write and it was honestly how I felt.
How AM I Doing?

Everyone asks me how I’m doing since you went away,
With a smile on my face I answer, “I really am okay”.
Matter of fact its very hard but I promised to be strong,
Until the time we meet again, in your arms where I belong.

In the morning when I wake, once where there was warmth all night,
There’s nothing but an empty space and a pillow to hold tight.   
Our closet now holds all my clothes it still looks kind of strange,
I try to make it look like more and constantly rearrange.

When I’m in the kitchen and working at the sink,
Many times I stop and this is what I think…..
If Teddy was here he’d grab me to give a little cue,
That he was about to hug me and say his, “I love you”.

No more are the corny jokes that grew longer by the year,
What I wouldn’t give now for just once more, to hear.
When someone calls, your message is still kept on the phone,
That way no one knows I am really home alone. 

When day is over and dinner eaten by one, 
No more thank you-s for the meal so well done.
Can’t find anyone to cream or scratch my back
There’s just a big hole here, a hole of midnight black.

But, how am I doing? I’m doing okay,
I know that you would want it that way.
And I know you are with me morning to night,
Still watching over me, that everything,s all right!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Grieving Angry Widow

beautiful Lainy!

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.