One year on

Dear CM, I know, I know. Sometimes it's just easier to let go and let the tears flow. I must admit I always feel better after a good eye cleansing. I still adamately believe that Teddy is so around me and that is what gets me through. I promise you down the road it does get a little easier. Tomorrow Teddy's sister is coming to visit from DFW and I have not seen her for a year. I know this is going to be a hard one for 10 days but we do both feel he is here. You and your daughter will draw your strength from each other and I believe that your husband is smiling down a big proud grin to you both! If you don't mind I wrote this on Teddy's One Year date:

How Are You Doing?
Everyone asks me how I’m doing since you went away,
With a smile on my face I answer, “I really am okay”.
Matter of fact its very hard but I promised to be strong,
Until the time we meet again, in your arms where I belong.

In the morning when I wake, once where there was warmth all night,
There’s nothing but an empty space and a pillow to hold tight.   
Our closet now holds all my clothes it still looks kind of strange,
I try to make it look like more and constantly rearrange.

When I’m in the kitchen and working at the sink,
Many times I stop and this is what I think…..
If Teddy was here he’d grab me to give a little cue,
That he was about to hug me and say his, “I love you”.

No more are the corny jokes that grew longer by the year,
What I wouldn’t give now for just once more, any one to hear.
When someone calls, your message is still kept on the phone,
That way no one knows I am really home alone. 

When day is over and dinner is eaten by one, 
No more thank you-s for the meal well done.
Can’t find anyone to cream or scratch my back
There’s just a big hole here, a hole of midnight black.

But, how am I doing? I’m doing okay,
I know that you would want it that way.
And I know you are with me morning to night,
Still watching over me, that everythings all right!

CM,

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. Some days are just too hard. Nobody should have to endure this level of pain and grief. Yes, I found Sunday difficult too. The kids and I went to the grave to put down flowers and it was just heartbreaking to see my son and daughter there, in the rain, yearning for their Dad. It was also 5 months to the day since Diarmuid passes away.

Everywhere we looked there were reminders of Father's Day. It makes it even harder.

The first few weeks after they pass away we are numb with shock. Then it becomes real and while the pain truly kicks in for us, our friends and families have gone back to their own lives and schedules. That twists the knife just a little bit more.

I'm thinking of you CM and if you ever want to chat send me an email here through the board or contact me on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/deborah.murphy.333?ref=tn_tnmn

xxxxxx