Topic: I'm missing Ed terribly

This is my first post since February.  We lost Ed on June 12th-12 weeks ago tomorrow.  He fought so hard and never gave up.  He was still trying to take chemo to fight this terrible cancer and never gave in to calling in hospice.  He took a sudden turn on Memorial Day weekend and we finally called in hospice on June 8th.  He passed away in my arms, at our home.  I love him with all my heart.  We were married 27 years, divorced in 2009 for a little over a year when we got back together in 2010.  He was diagnosed in June 2011.  He was my love since I was 20 and I will be 51 this month.  I am so lost without him.  I can't imagine being with anyone else.  I was with the same man for 31 years.  Our first grandchild was born in July.  Ed missed it by 6 weeks.  Our youngest child is getting married in October.  Ed promised he would be here to walk her down the aisle.  I know he will be there.  He was so handsome and so young-only 53.  I will be totally alone soon.  I miss him so badly.  Last night at about 1:00, I was watching a movie and a significant part came on that made me think of him.  My cellphone lit up on my night stand.  I stared thinking a text message would come through or a call, but nothing.  I think it was him.  I would love to hold him one more time and stroke his face, just one more time.  Being a caregiver is hard, but he tried to make it easier on me.  I would do it all again and again, if I just had the chance.  I am doing "okay", but the pain of missing him is truly physical.  I feel like someone punches me in the gut from time to time.  I really know what a broken heart feels like now.

Re: I'm missing Ed terribly

Dear Ed's Family (Wife) I so understand and I truly feel your pain.  My Teddy has been gone 1 1/2 years now and please believe me the pain gets better with time. Also in time the bad memories dim and the Happy Memories take over. But it does take time and everyone lives their new normal in different time frames. I am also a big believer in the beyond and I do believe that Ed was signaling you to let you know he was fine. Teddy made about 55 visits to me in the first year and 3 months.
I logged them all and when I feel lonely I read the log and know he is all around me. He doesn't come around as much lately but I feel he either wants me to get on with my life or he feels I have and am doing well. He would come to me through the radio in the car, I kept it on the oldies station where our songs would play. They come through electricity, they leave pennies and dimes around, they blink at us through lights. If you are open minded you will start connecting things. When we take pictures there are always orbs in the pictures. We believe they are Teddy. We have a 7 month old great grandson who is so like Teddy it is unbelievable.
I also know Ed will be at his daughter's wedding. I wrote a poem about 6 months after  Teddy passed...if you don't mind I will share it with you. I wish you the best and please keep in mind you are entering your new normal...things do get better.

How Are You Doing?
Everyone asks me how I’m doing since you went away,
With a smile on my face I answer, “I really am okay”.
Matter of fact its very hard but I promised to be strong,
Until the time we meet again, in your arms where I belong.

In the morning when I wake, once where there was warmth all night,
There’s nothing but an empty space and a pillow to hold tight.   
Our closet now holds all my clothes it still looks kind of strange,
I try to make it look like more and constantly rearrange.

When I’m in the kitchen and working at the sink,
Many times I stop and this is what I think…..
If Teddy was here he’d grab me to give a little cue,
That he was about to hug me and say his, “I love you”.

No more are the corny jokes that grew longer by the year,
What I wouldn’t give now for just once more, any one to hear.
When someone calls, your message is still kept on the phone,
That way no one knows I am really home alone. 

When day is over and dinner is eaten by one, 
No more thank you-s for the meal well done.
Can’t find anyone to cream or scratch my back
There’s just a big hole here, a hole of midnight black.

But, how am I doing? I’m doing okay,
I know that you would want it that way.
And I know you are with me morning to night,
Still watching over me, that everythings all right!


Re: I'm missing Ed terribly

Thanks Lainy,
Your poem conveys so many of my feelings.  I have some of his t-shirts in my pajama drawer so I can hug them tight at night.  When my phone light came on at 1:00 AM, I reached under my pillow and pulled out a nickel.  I can no longer bear to look at the pictures when he was sick, especially near the end.  I did not see him that way when he was here.  Now I look at the pictures made before he got so sick.  I do feel like he has visited me a couple of other times, mostly in dreams.  The room where we had his hospital bed is now set up for when the baby comes-crib, changing table etc.  I took a picture and there was an orb high in the corner, the spot that Ed's dog always stares at.  She will bark at the wall sometimes at night, so I have started closing the door.  It can be a little disarming, even though I think it is Ed looking out for us.

Re: I'm missing Ed terribly

Dearest wife of Ed, this will sound so strange to you but I am thrilled at what you are experiencing! I had all these things happen to me! Please do not let it scare you, Ed is showing you that he is still all around you. It was all these things that got me through the first year, gently. I even have some of Teddy's cologne yet and I put dabs on artificial flowers and on the pillow. Not everyone experiences what we do and I look upon it as a blessing. If you ever feel the need to e mail me, please feel free and I hope your visits continue. An orb? Fantastic!


Re: I'm missing Ed terribly

I am sorry you are having such a hard time and missing Ed so much. I can feel your pain in your post. By what you have said, I feel Ed is with you and trying to tell you not to be so sad. I am sure that is easier said than done. Please be easy on yourself and give yourself time to heal. My heart goes out to you. How wonderful to have a new grandchild and a child getting married. I am sure Ed is right there with you. Take care and God bless.

Love, -Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: I'm missing Ed terribly

I am so sorry you have lost your husband and best friend and know exactly what you are feeling.  Jim has been gone 4 years and I still miss him so much.
You have had many signs that he is still all around you.  Keep him there forever in your heart and memories.  Take care and know that we are all here for you if you need us.  Thinking of you and sharing your pain.

Love & Hugs,

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.