One month since his passing

Dear Alla, I cannot believe it is a month! It takes time to get everything in order just like it takes time to grieve. Sometimes I would think we were meant to take care of business as it takes our mind away from the grief for a bit. Yes, I also found that posting here was so much better for me than anything else, problem is I got addicted to it! I feel like you are all my family and friends because you all understand. Alla, Teddy picked one ceiling light out of 4 in the kitchen and that light would wink at me all the time. One day I was talking to his daughter and told her I wanted to move to an apartment. She was trying to talk me out of it. Joking, I said let me ask dad. I turned the light on and asked Teddy if I should move and darn if that light didn't wink at me. So, I moved and love my apartment! Everything will slowly get done as you learn to live our "new normal".

Thank you, ladies. Wanted to tell you about interesting experience last night. Around 9 pm we heard an awful noise and at first I thought it was vacuum that my 6 years old must have turned on. He claimed he didn't and I discovered it was my husband's coffee pot making all this noise - the built-in coffee grinder was on (no coffee beans there). I noticed that programming button was on and found out that my oldest actually saw it on earlier, but didn't say anything. Well, I made a comment, that their dad wanted to make some coffee! My husband loved to drink a whole pot of coffee every morning - prior to his sickness. Lately he almost gave up coffee - since it didn't taste right to him. Anyway, after thinking about it, I realized that it must have been the cleaning lady who stopped by earlier that day, that accidently pressed on programming button. Still it was quite interesting! No night lights last night. I think one excitement per night is enough!

Well, just had another "visit". This time there is no logical explanation to it at all. My husband's van suddenly started signaling - like a "panic" signal. Me and the boys were inside, absolutely nobody is next to the van. At first I thought it was my car and grabbed my keys on the way out. But get this - by the time I stopped next to his van to see if it's unlocked (it was not - completely locked on both sides), it stopped beeping all by itself, but the front light was still blinking. Made absolutely no sense to me. I got his keys, unocked it, started the van (keep forgetting to periodically do that to avoid dead battery) and set there for a few minutes. Locked it again, come home and was telling it my 6 years old with a comment - "How is it possible?", and he just simply answered - "It's dad". Earlier today I was telling my mom about all prior visits and she tried to justify it all with - "cat did it" or "cleaning lady did it", which I can accept, except for when his night light was coming on almost every night, then stopped, then started again. Why wasn't it happening this often before his passing? Plus every time it's his night light, not mine. Well - with the car - I don't know how is it physically possible, especially that it stopped beeping by itself, while light was still blinking. May be he was reminding me to start the car? Anyway - all of it making believer out of me for sure!

Thank you, Lainy. I need to start recording it, but hadn't so far. It seems with the rate it's going I'll "beat" your 55 visits soon! Lol. Just kidding... My 6 years old today told me that he saw his dad in a dream last night and that he wasn't sick. I've read from others that often we still dream about them being sick and for me it's been the case, except couple of times so far. I guess it's because I still relieve those last few days in my memory and a lot of those memories are not easy. Thinking about it before bed probably influences my dreams...