• Registered: Sun, 28 Nov 2010
  • Posts: 139

Topic: Six weeks since I lost my sweet husband

It's been six weeks since Dan died. I returned to work last week with mixed emotions.  I thought it would be a good distraction and keep me busy but the fact is I just want to be in our house with our dog.   
I miss him so much and the reality of never seeing his face , hearing his voice and feeling his touch is devastating.
I just can't understand how this could happen to us,  Why our time together was cut short. 
It's hard to be at work where  people don't understand
that my life has forever been altered.  I'm just going thru the motions. I don't care about what's going on around me.  I know in time that will change but maybe I don't want it to. If I start to feel normal, maybe ill forget and I don't want that to happen....  Anyway I'm just rambling.   It's been a rough few days.

L

  • Lainy
  • Lainy
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  • From: Phoenix AZ
  • Registered: Fri, 13 Jan 2006
  • Posts: 8,216

Re: Six weeks since I lost my sweet husband

Hello, Dear Laurie. I am sorry you are having this hard time, but it does get better with time. Like Marion always says, the harder we loved the harder the grief. When ever I was feeling especially down, I would look in the mirror and say, "shame on you! For 16 years you had what most people never know in a lifetime!" That would bring me back to things I still had to be happy for. I also know you are a very bright lady and if you needed some extra help to get through a few months there is no stigma to asking your own Doctor.  Dan is at Peace, healthy and happy and he would want you to try and be a little happier too. I am sitll here if you ever feel like talking. Sending you a ton of love and support!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

3 Reply by Darla (edited by Darla Thu, 10 Jan 2013 11:32:22)

  • From: Wisconsin
  • Registered: Sun, 07 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 1,990

Re: Six weeks since I lost my sweet husband

Dear Laurie,

I so understand your feelings.  It is so hard to understand and try to go on and live a "normal" life.   People think we are fine and don't get it that  our lives have changed forever.  You will eventually find a new normal.  It won't be what it was, but it will be OK.  We never forget, but we do learn to go on and live our lives, one day at a time.    I too try to be thankful for all the wonderful years we had together.  Something many never have a chance to experience.  When I feel down, I try to think of all the good times and memories and there were so many.  More would have been better, but atleast I have that.   I really don't think others are capable of really knowing what it is like and how we feel.  Unless it happens to them they can't.  Here we do.  Especially since we are all dealing with the effects of the same disease.  We know & understand better than anyone else, so please keep coming back.  We are all here to listen, help and support each other. 

Thinking Of You.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"
  • From: Green Cove Springs, Florida
  • Registered: Wed, 14 Dec 2011
  • Posts: 38

Re: Six weeks since I lost my sweet husband

I hear where you are coming from.  After 7 months I don't like to leave the house.  For some reason I feel safe there.  Right now I am with my son and his family in North Carolina.  My son is the only one that can get me out of the house.  I am now thinking of doing some volunteer work at a school near me.  Maybe I can get out of this slump if I feel like I am needed somewhere.

We took care of our spouses during their illness and now there is nothing. We must replace that nothing with something.  Maybe going back to work will fill your days.  We all need to "find a life" without our hubbies.  I think it is the hardests thing we will ever face in our life.

In addition we can't expect people to understand us.  We can hardly understand ourselves.  We are told time will help.  Time will heal the scar, but the scar will never go away. 

And yes we should appreciate the time we had with our spouses.  Not everyone experiences a close marriage.  I know I am grateful for that, and that thought does help.  Hang in there kiddo.  I understand every word you typed.

  • Registered: Fri, 29 Sep 2006
  • Posts: 466

Re: Six weeks since I lost my sweet husband

Dear Laurie,
    Six weeks is way, way too early to even imagine starting to feel "normal"! Sometimes I think it may take years, if ever. I lost my dear husband in Nov. 2011 after 5 1/2 years of fighting this cancer and 32 years of marriage. I and everyone else here understands all that you are going through. You simply have a whole in your heart and in your life that will never be totally healed. Eventually it won't hurt so much , you will be able to get up every day and face whatever life throws at you but believe me you will never forget the love and life you shared with your husband. You will even be able to laugh and smile when you think of him... in time. The tears will still come but they will be a little less frequent. Your happy memories will help them subside. The first year is definitely the worse. All of the firsts you have to face. I thought I was doing pretty well then our anniversary came along and I cried for a week. I went to my first wedding without him, that was really hard...one of the hardest things I had to go through. The six month anniversary was also very hard for some reason. Hospice actually sent out literature at that point saying it was a hard anniversary. I never went to any support groups. It does help some people but I just kept very busy and tried to cope on my own. I think I've made it through the worst part of the grieving process. I can actually think of my future and not start crying or slip into depression. When Tom first died someone told me that my grief would never totally go away but it would get "lighter". As hard as it is for you to imagine right now, it really is true. My kids and I sit and talk about their Dad and laugh about our memories of him. I catch myself saying or thinking of some of the "dumb" sayings he used to say and start laughing. I remember trying to come up with a word to describe my feelings about losing him. Saying that I "missed" him didn't seem to express my feelings adequately. I even looked in the dictionary for a synonym for the word "miss". I finally decided the best word was that I " longed" for him. I longed to see him again and touch him and hear his voice. To sit and chat and laugh and hold hands. Even to argue with him. I still do and you will too. That desire will never go away as long as we live. We'll miss sharing our lives with the person we planned on being with until we were both very old and very gray! I am thankful for the happy years we had but like you can't help feeling cheated that it wasn't longer. Laurie, all you can do is take care of yourself, try to find people you can talk to and let time heal your pain. It is hard to believe after just 6 weeks that life will ever get easier ,but it will. Please feel free to vent here whenever you feel the need!   Love, Mary

  • From: Uniontown, Ohio
  • Registered: Fri, 23 Sep 2011
  • Posts: 1,488

Re: Six weeks since I lost my sweet husband

What a beautiful, heartfelt post, Mary. I am sure you've helped others as well as Laurie. It is nice to hear you are doing well. Take care.

Love,
-Pam

Hoping for a miracle for my daughter, Lauren.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Pamela's Website

  • From: Wisconsin
  • Registered: Sun, 07 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 1,990

Re: Six weeks since I lost my sweet husband

Mary, 

What a wonderful post.  You were able to express in words what so many of us feel but have a hard time explaining.  Everything you said is so true and I know it will be taken to heart by all who read it.

Glad to know you are doing OK.  Life will never be the same, but we do manage to go on as best we can.

Take care.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"
  • Registered: Sun, 28 Nov 2010
  • Posts: 139

Re: Six weeks since I lost my sweet husband

Thank you all so much.