Topic: Extreme Depression
This is Charlene and my husband John has CC. This is the first time I've posted here, I thought it would be better than the general discussion.
He was dx'd in Feb 2005, given 18 months, had all the treatments availble except chemo, actually was in hospice this year until April when they did blood work and said he was in remission so released him.
In I think, Aug or Sept he got sick and did blood work, ultrasound and ct scan where they discovered his cc had mets to the liver. 6 tumors some the size of walnuts, and all 6 of the lymph nodes surrounding that area are full of, " Dirty necrosis with small clusters of malignant cells".
When I think back to when he first got sick in '05 i think it would have been better for him to have passed away then. He was so yellow and going in and out of a coma that the Dr. who finally realized what he had said he was at most 2 weeks from dying. The dr. told me that he would of finally slipped into a coma and passed away fairly easily and with out a lot of pain. Now they're trying chemo and he's afraid all the time. Cancer has become our every waking moment. Pain is his every waking moment.
I don't want him to be afraid, I don't want him to hurt like he is. We both know the outcome of this thing and I want to scream and wail and can't because that would cause John more pain. Tomorrow is his second round of chemo. Our lives are what hell must be like. To watch the man I love waste away and hurt and vomit is beyond anything I could ever imagine.
I know it sounds so selfish of me but I truely want to die. Just to be out of this emotional pain. I can't leave John alone so I have to struggle on. I watched my Mom die of cancer so I know what's going to happen. It's so different when it's your husband. I don't remember all this agony, this pain is overwhelming me.