Topic: Extreme Depression

Hi,
This is Charlene and my husband John has CC. This is the first time I've posted here, I thought it would be better than the general discussion.

He was dx'd in Feb 2005, given 18 months, had all the treatments availble except chemo, actually was in hospice this year until April when they did blood work and said he was in remission so released him.

In I think, Aug or Sept he got sick and did blood work, ultrasound and ct scan where they discovered his cc had mets to the liver. 6 tumors some the size of walnuts, and all 6 of the lymph nodes surrounding that area are full of, " Dirty necrosis with small clusters of malignant cells".

When I think back to when he first got sick in '05 i think it would have been better for him to have passed away then. He was so yellow and going in and out of a coma that the Dr. who finally realized what he had said he was at most 2 weeks from dying. The dr. told me that he would of finally slipped into a coma and passed away fairly easily and with out a lot of pain. Now they're trying chemo and he's afraid all the time. Cancer has become our every waking moment. Pain is his every waking moment.

I don't want him to be afraid, I don't want him to hurt like he is. We both know the outcome of this thing and I want to scream and wail and can't because that would cause John more pain. Tomorrow is his second round of chemo. Our lives are what hell must be like. To watch the man I love waste away and hurt and vomit is beyond anything I could ever imagine.

I know it sounds so selfish of me but I truely want to die. Just to be out of this emotional pain. I can't leave John alone so I have to struggle on. I watched my Mom die of cancer so I know what's going to happen. It's so different when it's your husband. I don't remember all this agony, this pain is overwhelming me.

Charlene

Re: Extreme Depression

Hi Charlene,

I know exactly what you are going through.  My husband Ken passed away in December 06 and watching him go through what he did was almost unbearable;  The pain, the disorientation, the VIOLENT episodes of vomiting, etc. It is coming up on the 10 month anniversary and I know what to expect.  Every month on the day of his death, I break down.  I just figured out last month why I was doing that. 

I would have to say that the best thing for me was starting antidepressants.  Ken was on them when he was first diagnosed and my doctor suggested I too start them.  It kept me from having the lowest of lows!  You need to take care of yourself while you are taking care of your husband.  I don't know how many times I heard that but looking back, everyone was right.  Try to eat right and if you have any free minutes- get some fresh air!

My thoughts are with you.
Terri

Re: Extreme Depression

Dear fairydrop,
Your post strikes such a chord with me - my dad was diagnosed July 05, at that point he was in liver faliure, bright yellow and very sick, I was with him on the day of his diagnosis, I too was told that he would at best have 7-9 wks without treatment.  I lost my dad on this day last month.  Over the last 2 and a half years my Dad endured 2 major operations, chemo and commuting every month abroad for immunotherapy treatments.  This disease has dominated our lives - the emotional highs and lows included the anguish and pain at bad news, the torment of waiting for results, the hope and joys were always shortlived - this disease is relentless, it just wouldn't let up - if we tried to go out for a walk in the sunshine my Dad had to suffer the anxiety and humilation of loose and unpredictable bowel movements.  How I hated to see my proud dignified father reduced to tears of frustration and so fearful.  My Dad did try really hard to live as normal a life as possible, to share good days with us, but there was always this black cloud hanging over us. 

Charlene, I understand your pain, you are trying so hard to keep positive like I did around him, it is just so exhausting physically and emotionally, you also have the pain and memories of having witnessed your dear mother go through a similar journey.  All I would say to you now is that when you look back you will be comforted by the fact that you were there for your husband on his darkest days, that you comforted him and did everything that you could possibly have done.  That is all that we can do.  Don't leave anything unsaid and hold him close to you, comfort him but also find comfort for you - do you have support? - scream, cry if you need to (I know it is hard to do it around them, I used to do alot of crying on my own).

Thinking of you, love Julesx

Re: Extreme Depression

Hi Charlene,

My name is Lynda and I know what you're going through.  My husband Roger was diagnosed with CC 5 weeks ago.  My god, it's only been 5 weeks.  It already feels like it's been 4 or 5 years. 

He's had one week of radiation to relieve the pain in his shoulder thank god that fianlly helped.  Than he started Chemo 3 weeks ago.  The first round wasn't bad, the only side effects he got were the hiccups.  Then the last  round he had vomitting the first night. 

He is doing so well, we had ourselves hyped to believe in miracles.  Yesterday the Doc told us to get out wills made and any other legal stuff done.  I'm telling you it was like a big slap in the face. 

It sucks watching the man you love die and not being able to do anything to help.  I seem to be flipping back and forth between denial and depression.  Everyone keeps saying well at least he didn't get in a car accident and die immediately.  Sometimes I think that might have been easier.  They are not the ones watching their husbands die. 

Lynda

Re: Extreme Depression

I don't ever click on this topic. It's too much to think about and bear.  I haven't cried for almost a year. My husband is doing amazingly well. But I'm crying now. I know it is just a matter of time.Our bubble will burst and I will be back to the unbearable pain and fear of watching what you all are now. We went throuh it for months. Watching him vomit, his clothes hanging on him, him sitting in his big chair curled up under blankets because he was chilled and couldn't get warm.I'd cry for 2 1/2 hours on my drive home from the hospital-I don't even know how I made it. Everyone praised me for being strong and getting things done that needed done-I was on top of all of it. They still do. But the truth is that if he dies I will be devastated. We have been together 24/7 for almost thirty years. I feel selfish too but I am terribly afraid of the lonliness I will go through when he is gone. I can't even imagine it.I'm only 50. How can I spend the rest of my life without him? Who will I sit and eat breakfast with? Go to the store with. Rock on the porch with. We do everything together! I will want to be dead too. I know I will. But I won't be able to say it. I will have to be strong for my kids. But they will go on with their lives. They will miss their Dad terribly. But I will probably sit here in this big old house that he grew up in and our kids grew up in and not be able to function.I'll put on a good show I'm sure. But this grief (anticipatory grief is what they call it) is already too hard to bear, I can't imagine watching him die the slow death everyone says will eventually happen.I'm sorry for all of you going through this now. I will pray for you to find some kind of comfort. But I am not going to click on this topic again. I'm going to live in my bubble for as long as I can. And as LTSO said even though he will not be here as long as I want him to be or as long as he wants to be he is here now. I'll cherish every moment.  Mary

Re: Extreme Depression

Thanks to you all for writing.

This is the only place I have for any kind of understanding of what I'm going through. All who know John and I KNOW he has cancer and KNOW he is dying but they really don't know anything.

Only someone going through his can really KNOW what's going on.

Jules, I think your posts are closest to my heart. You have said the words I'm not able to put on paper. I'm in such a bad place. I know we all are being torn to pieces with this terrible cancer. My wish for you is Peace in your heart and relief from the pain, but that only comes with time. That I know from experience . It will come, but  it comes slowly.

My wish for us all is a quick release for our loved ones. After watching my Mom die all I can hope for is that John goes quickly. I know the toll that chemo takes, I know the toll on her that the loss of hope took.
She went through the whole 9 yards of treatment. The drs. operated, said they got it all but to be safe she needed rsadiation. She did that. Then it came back. They told her chemo would take care of it. She did that. After all the belief and hope she died in horrible pain.
Last night I was crying in the shower and had a great presence of my Mom. I just told her how much I missed her and asked her to be there when John passes. I know she will be.

My love and empathy for you all. You are closer in many ways than my family. I'm so grateful to you all.

Charlene

Re: Extreme Depression

Charlene,
I have been teary all day. Your posts really hit home. I'm scared of the future. I turned 50 this year and believe me I am grateful for my birthdays. And I'm grateful my husband has been around all these years. He'e seen his kids grow uo and met a few grandkids and we are very grateful for that. I hate to sound selfish when so many have lost their battle at such young ages. It's heartbreaking. But still as I turned 50 I thought of the years ahead  and I almost dread them. I know that in the next few years I will most likely lose my husband, both of my parents and yes, as stupid as it sounds my dog whose like one of our kids. My 24 year old son is heading back to Iraq for his second tour with his National Guard unit in Nov. for a year. My father is starting treatment for prostate cancer and I have 2 sister-in-laws battling lung and recurrent colon cancer. What the hell happened to the "golden"  years ?! Thank God for this site because I don't have anyone to talk to about all this. I don't understand why some people have so much to deal with and others seem to breeze through life.I know there are a lot of people having to deal with a lot more but it would be nice to go back in time before life got so depressing. I think you should check into getting some medication. I think I will at some point. Right now my son is still home and everyone is alive and doing pretty well. Like I said before I will stay in my  bubble for as long as possible. Take care of yourself, as hard as that may be at times. My prayers are with you and all the others above. And yes, I do believe your mother will help you through!!  Best wishes. Mary

Re: Extreme Depression

Marylloyd -

I understand so well what you are feeling right now.  I lost my husband of nearly 30 years in April to cholangiocarcinoma after a 16 month valiant battle.  And it is very, very difficult.  I experienced a tremendous amount of anticipatory grief, as I believe you are.  We are never prepared to let go of our loved ones.  Just enjoy every moment you have together and make lots of memories, for they will sustain you.  Put one foot in front of the other and just do the next thing - whatever that is.  Take life moment by moment, hour by hour, and day by day.  I can't say anything that will ease your load, except that I do truly understand, because I have walked in your shoes.  May God be with you and give you strength, and may you know you have many friends on this website.

Joni

Re: Extreme Depression

I think I am feeling all of what everyone above has stated. As I posted elsewhere, My husband was perfectly healthy until 7 weeks before he passed away. He was only 62.  He passed 1 week after we finally knew what we were fighting, so it went so fast. I never really had a chance to think about any of this until now.  I felt cheated, but now am wondering if it was better to have gone this way. Better for him, for sure, but I am now having all these feelings & thoughts that I had no time for before. Fast or slow, this terrible cancer is hard on everyone. I agree with everything that has been said above. I am so glad that there are people here who truly understand what we are all going through. My thoughts & prayers are with all of you.

Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.