Topic: Update on John

Hi everyone,
I'm so sad today. I weighed John again and he's down to 156 from 162 a week and a half ago.

We don't see his oncologist again until the 7th. He has a CT scan on the 6th.
He has his birthday the 17th. I really don't think he's going to survive through the month.

This morning at 6 am he got up and looked so sad I went to hold him in my arms and could feel every one of his ribs, and his collar bone. His tushy is gone. We had to get a memory foam mattress because he can't stand the pressure of the regular mattress on his bones and skin.

He's not sleeping through the night due to pain and he's having the same dream every night. He's trying to fill the pickup with all our stuff to move to Alabama and there's never enough time. I think he knows there's not any time left and it's absolutely breaking my heart.  I tried to tell him that God might be sending the same dream to tell him to get everything in order since there might NOT be any time left. I don't know how I'm going to survive without him. I love him so much and I know he's going to Heaven but I want him with me.

What do I do for him? I want him to talk to a preacher, I think it will give him a sense of peace for what is coming. I want him to not be afraid about what is ahead of him but he doesn't want that. I wish I could take his fears and sense of uncertanty on myself but no matter who is there, we all have to walk that last step alone. Just pray for him, ask God to send his Angels to guide him home and pray for me ,that I am able to give him my strengh with a smile and a sense of peace for the coming trial ahead.

Thank you all for always being here for me. I will let you know when he is gone. I love each and every one of you like my own family and for your help I pray for a beautiful home on the other shore.
Charlene

Re: Update on John

Dearest Charlene, my heart is just breaking for you, partly for what you are going through and partly because I will be in your shoes one of these days. For physical comfort you might try lamb skin. I have found that the best for Teddy when he is irritated from the radiation and it worked after his Whipple. As for the mental part, we must be the strongest people in the world! You have given him all the strength you can muster all this time and I know you will find the amount you will need to help his journey home. I just have never believed that when someone is physically gone that they are spiritually gone as well. That part of John will always be with you. I feel so sad for you. When Teddy goes to church on Sunday he lights candles for all our friends here at CC.org. Take some deep breaths, know that we all care and that our thoughts and prayers are with you!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Update on John

Dear Charlene,
I am so sorry to hear about your sadness and John's condition. It is truly heartbreaking and I wish I had words to comfort you. John is blessed to have you by his side through all this, and your love to him is the greatest gift anyone could ask for. May John find some peace in the days ahead - and you, too. You both deserve it.
Joyce M

4 (edited by JeffG Sun, 14 Sep 2008 13:50:21)

Re: Update on John

Charlene,  I understand what your going through.  Almost your exact words is what my wife said to me the other evening after she returned from a cancer support group meeting.  She came home very emotional and crying.  This was the first one she has gone to.  I asked her what was the matter and she said,  You, your going away, I'm being robbed, I just want my Jeff back! I know I'll never get you back, I feel like we are just roommates, why?
She said, I see you at night getting out of the shower and you are not the same person, it's not your body, I see your bones.  I'm afraid to hold on to you or snuggle up to you,  afraid I'm going to make your pain worse.  All I could do is hug her and tell her, Your one super roommate!  And it would be okay, I feel okay and God is good.  She said, I'm already lonley and you haven't even gone to hospice, I know you ,once you go in to hospice you won't come home again.  The years we have been fighting this and she has just now left the denial and entered the angry phase. I could only hug her and tell her I will always be with you babe.  You'll know I'm still around, you know me, I'll have to continue to wind you up some how.  She then giggled a little as well as I, and we went to bed snuggled close for the night.  Like I've mentioned before Charlene your not alone, although it may feel that way. Like lainey said, part of John will always be with you.  I truly love your heart beating support and understanding of what John is going through.  I will pray for him and for you as well charlene.  None of us should have to go through this emotional hurt,as if we haven't endured enough already.  But I feel God is watching and will give us the love and spirit to follow through with his plan for us.   I feel there is a reason why everything happens the way it does.  Yes, one day we will all know why.  Until then don't stop loving yourself or ever doubt that you are loved.  I wrote what I did not for a response Charlene ,but just to show how your post just shined a little more light on how I can help my Valerie, as it is obvious she needs some emotional and spiritual shoring up, before my departure down the road.  Charlene, love and prayers are coming your way.  Thank You for sharing your heart.  The strenght you need is coming your way from so many.

God Bless You,
Jeff

Take it to the Limit,One More Time! (Eagles)

Re: Update on John

Well, Jeff, its letters like yours that make me feel I cannot do this, I get too sad, I realize what I am going to have to face down the road, I am loosing good people all around me. Then the other side of me says, DO SOMETHING! Do not let what all these heroes have gone through be in vain. And that is what I think will keep me going. And we are not ready to let you go anywhere for a while yet! We need you, you old coot!!!!!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

6 (edited by marions Sun, 14 Sep 2008 23:28:46)

Re: Update on John

Charlene

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Update on John

Charlene,

All you can do for John now is exactly what you are doing. Be there & be strong for him. Even if he is not talking he knows how you feel, he knows what is happening & he knows you are there for him. I was where you are now just a few short weeks ago. I still sometimes question what more I could have done for my husband Jim, but with the help & strength of the people here, I know I did my best & that he is now in a better place no longer fighting this painful battle. The most important thing in the end is to make sure he is comfortable & not in pain. You & John will be in my thoughts & prayers. Please do continue to come here for help & support. I find it is a real comfort to me & I also feel that part of my healing is to help & support the others that come here. We are all dealing with this same terrible disease in one way or another & need all the help & support we can get. God Bless You both.

Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

8

Re: Update on John

Dear Charlene -- my heart is aching for you and for John.  I pray for peace for both of you during this difficult time.  Your postings touch us all.

My husband, Brad, passed away last month.  One of the fondest memories I have, and something that eased the discomfort at least a little, was to have him lie on his side and I would crawl into bed behind him and spoon and hold him tight.   We'd change positions every hour or so to alleviate the pressure on his frail body.   You might want to try something like that if it would make John comfortable (and you too). 

One other thought.  You said John  couldn't sleep due to pain.   His doc should be aware that the pain meds aren't keeping up with the pain, so that John can have some relief. 

You are such a dedicated and caring wife, Charlene.
Diane

Re: Update on John

Hi Charlene,
I just picked up a book that someone recommended.  She read it after her Mom had died and said she wished she had had it sooner.  It is called  Final Gifts written by two hospice nurses.  I just started it today and I think it will be good.  Pryaing for you and John that you will find some meeting ground and some comfort in the days ahead.  God Bless.  Mary Anne