Topic: No calls from husband's family after my mom passed 4/8/17. I'm shocked

My mother passed away last Saturday, 4/8/17. Her stages of dying were long and horrifying, and I was there when she took her last breath. I don't know why, but it really hurts me a lot that my husband's family hasn't called, texted, or emailed me. I'm wondering what the heck is going on with them? There haven't been any arguments, etc. I got one card from my mother-in-law and one from my sister-in-law.

Why does this rejection cut me to the core? Any ideas? I told my husband I don't want anything to do with them. He and my daughter can see them from now on.

Anyone experience this? I feel this makes my grief even worse.

Blessings,
Lola

Re: No calls from husband's family after my mom passed 4/8/17. I'm shocked

Dear Lola,

Please accept my condolences and prayers for the loss of your beloved mother.  I know it was a great comfort to your mother to have you with her through this long ordeal.

Regarding your relatives who have not called - from my own experiences with illness and passing of family members, it is not uncommon for loved ones to react in unexpected ways, to seem as if they don't know what to do.  They may for example worry they don't know what to say or that they would say the wrong thing, or have their own unresolved issues with the person who passed, or feel guilt they weren't more engaged or present at the end, or may imagine erroneously that you need space and they should wait a bit.  From my experiences, I came to accept that there is no way to predict how family members and friends will react when there is a death, and that even very inexplicable reactions are most likely NOT expressions of rejection.

Sometimes I have tried taking a first step in reaching out to someone who seemed inexplicably slow in contacting me.  It didn't always fix things, but sometimes gave me clues about why their reaction was slow in coming or so impersonal. 

Regards, Mary

Not a medical doctor!

Re: No calls from husband's family after my mom passed 4/8/17. I'm shocked

Dear Sandra,

I am so sorry for your loss of your mother.  You have my deepest sympathy. 

I agree with what Mary has said.  Everyone reacts differently to these situations.  Please try not to take it personally.  I found that many of the people I thought would be there for me were not and that there were others who did help & support me that were a welcome surprise and greatly appreciated.

It is what it is and we just have to try not to figure out why and deal with things as best we can.  You have every right to your feelings but don't let them affect you negatively.  I know, that is easier said than done.

Just take things one day at a time.  Again, I am sorry for your loss.  Try to take comfort in all the good memories you have of your mom and that she is no longer suffering from this awful disease.  Take care.

Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: No calls from husband's family after my mom passed 4/8/17. I'm shocked

Dear Sandra, I am so sorry about your Mother and please accept my humble apologies. As to why people do what they do, I am still trying to understand. You just keep on being you and I am sure your Mother is very proud of you, her daughter.

I’M  STILL  HERE
I’m at your side each night and day,
In your heart is where I’ll stay.
You can feel, see or hear, I am not gone, I’m always near.
I’m the colorful leaves when fall comes round,
The pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I’m the first bright blossom you’ll see in Spring.
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
And you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.
I'll whisper your name through the leaves on the trees,
And you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.
I'm the salty tears that flow when you weep,
And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face.
Just look for me, I'm every place!

THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME! Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING

Re: No calls from husband's family after my mom passed 4/8/17. I'm shocked

Lola,
We cannot predict people's behavior and how they respond to a tragic situation.  Sometimes the people we expect to show up unfortunately don't.  We may take it personally or think that is discourteous or rude, but that is their choice of behavior.  Even though it is difficult, we have to make peace with it and accept it.  Perhaps we change our mode of communication and behavior toward them which is also okay.
At least they acknowledged the situation with a card and did not completely ignore it.  It is natural and normal to feel the way you do, and it is okay.  Maybe with time they do speak up.  Also, spend time nurturing yourself and don't stress over them.  You don't need that added stress.  Don't bother calling them either as you need time to heal.  You can find support in other ways.