Topic: Ok..So this is it?
I almost hate to post, but it seems that if you haven't walked in the shoes of a caregiver, you just can't understand the utter frustration, anger and bitterness that can actually engulf you! I just really need to vent. Lee went to get his chemo treatment yesterday and his blood work was really bad....plateletts super low...this next week was to be his off week...now they want to come in for more testing...when he texted me at work with that news...I swear for the absolute first time since Feburary....I thought...I'm done. I am not doing this anymore...all Lee does is sleep....he rarely talks unless to complain or grump about something...I am constantly doing soiled laundry, if there's something he REALLY wants to do, he'll do it...with his friends or other family members...its like he just cant muster up enough energy...or is in just too much pain to do anything even with Emilee...its like he would rather live his life with whats left with us...without us...everytime I broach the matter he denies it...but the proof is in the pudding! Emilee rarely goes around him if ever...she might say a handful of words to him throughout the entire day...this is not the kind of life I want for my daughter! It's not what I want for the rest of his life here...If they said he can't have a liver transplant...and chemo is our only hope...that's not much in the way of hope! The chemo doesn't get rid of it! He'll be on chemo forever! They said they were going to do another CT scan soon...so maybe we will have more answers then....I'm just so pissed off right now I can't even stand to be in the same room with him....I'm sooo embarrassed to even admit it...but when I was talking to my best friend I told her the same thing of course she understood, and said she can't even understand where I even get the strength to get through another day...and we are both faithful believers...but gosh darn it God! I've had it!!!! Ya know how you could just scream, cry or hit something hard, real hard to make it feel as crappy as you do...well, I sure would love too, but I'm afraid if I did, there would be no end too it! Please tell me that my feelings are normal otherwise I don't know what Im gonna do! I just needed to vent to people who get it!