Topic: Ok..So this is it?

I almost hate to post, but it seems that if you haven't walked in the shoes of a caregiver, you just can't understand the utter frustration, anger and bitterness that can actually engulf you! I just really need to vent. Lee went to get his chemo treatment yesterday and his blood work was really bad....plateletts super low...this next week was to be his off they want to come in for more testing...when he texted me at work with that news...I swear for the absolute first time since Feburary....I thought...I'm done. I am not doing this anymore...all Lee does is sleep....he rarely talks unless to complain or grump about something...I am constantly doing soiled laundry, if there's something he REALLY wants to do, he'll do it...with his friends or other family members...its like he just cant muster up enough energy...or is in just too much pain to do anything even with Emilee...its like he would rather live his life with whats left with us...without us...everytime I broach the matter he denies it...but the proof is in the pudding!  Emilee rarely goes around him if ever...she might say a handful of words to him throughout the entire day...this is not the kind of life I want for my daughter! It's not what I want for the rest of his life here...If they said he can't have a liver transplant...and chemo is our only hope...that's not much in the way of hope!  The chemo doesn't get rid of it! He'll be on chemo forever! They said they were going to do another CT scan maybe we will have more answers then....I'm just so pissed off right now I can't even stand to be in the same room with him....I'm sooo embarrassed to even admit it...but when I was talking to  my best friend I told her the same thing of course she understood, and said she can't even understand where I even get the strength to get through another day...and we are both faithful believers...but gosh darn it God! I've had it!!!! Ya know how you could just scream, cry or hit something hard, real hard to make it feel as crappy as you do...well, I sure would love too, but I'm afraid if I did, there would be no end too it!  Please tell me that my feelings are normal otherwise I don't know what Im gonna do! I just needed to vent to people who get it!

2 (edited by marions Sat, 11 Oct 2008 12:34:42)

Re: Ok..So this is it?

You are normal the situation is not, and what you are expressing has been said before, in many ways.
I am quoting form "Listen with your Heart" - talking with the person who has cancer - American Cancer Society -
During the cancer illness, people with cancer may express anger and frustration to those around them.  This can be upsetting to family members and friends, but it may help to remember that people often displace their feelings onto people close to them.  They do this because the people closest to them are a safe outlet.  Also, because it is hard to get mad at cancer (the real cause of their frustration and sadness), they take their angry feelings out on those closest to them
and this is you, Heather.  Being a caretaker is an overwhelming responsibility and you also need to be tended to.  You might want to reach out for professional help and don't forget we have Dr. Giles who's expertise is invaluable to all of us.  Hang in there and I am so glad for you to have found the courage to vent as most, if not, all of us caretakers have experienced similar feelings and hopefully, will convey this to you.
Hugs to you,


Re: Ok..So this is it?

Heather, go right ahead and vent all you want!  I admire you for saying it out loud and getting it off your chest.  When Charlie was diagnosed in May of 07, he was depressed, angry, and frustrated for the first 4 or 5 months.  Your post brought back some not so good memories.  It's so hard being the one that loves them the most and then getting all that misplaced anger thrown at us too.  I really didn't express it at the time. If I started to say something, I got the feeling the person I was talking to was thinking something like "How can she feel this way?  He's the one dying".  Just because they are the ones that got cancer does not automatically turn them into saints and doesn't give them an excuse to lash out or be hurtful.  You know, I put up with it for a while because I knew he wasn't really truly angry with me.  It's their circumstances they're angry about.  But finally, I told him that was enough and we're all in this together and to get a grip.  Not saying that he and I don't have our up and down days, that's just life, but the anger wasn't good for anybody!  Maybe it's like the stages of grief that people go through.  Sort of a stage of accepting the fact that you have cancer?  I don't know.  I pray that things settle down for you, Lee and Emilee soon.  Hugs and strength coming your way.


Re: Ok..So this is it?

Hi Heather, I just asked yesterday under another post, where are you?"  Teddy is not at the point Lee is and I don't know what things would be like but I do know sometimes these guys lash out at us because they are angry that this is happening to them and that we have to watch it and they feel they have failed us. I know that Teddy can be not feeling good then his kids come to visit and he has strength that I do not see all the time. Or one of the guys will come over and they will watch football and he doesn't stop talking and laughing. Honestly you are totally normal in your feelings. What about a talk involving your religious leader?  How about giving him a project to do with Emilee like making a memory book or pictures etc.  The only other things I can say is for you to let it all out no matter to whom, it is not healthy for you to hold all this back. SUre wish we could meet!!!  Just feel free to scream at us all you want!


Re: Ok..So this is it?


Everything you are feeling is normal under the circumstances you are dealing with. Feel free to vent here all you want. Just remember that it is this terrible disease that you are fighting that is causing all of these feelings for both you & Lee. I was fortunate that Jim really wasn't too hard on me. He was more angry & frustrated that his being sick was causing me so much pain & so many problems. He was generally more concerned for me than himself. When I did get angry & frustrated I always explained to him that it was not him I was angry with but the illness, the doctors & nurses, the hospital whatever.  I think all of us have felt the way you are feeling at one time or another. Please feel free to come back & vent all you want. We all understand exactly where it is coming from. Try to take care of yourself, too, so you can be strong for Lee & Emilee.  You & your family will be in my thoughts & prayers.


"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.