Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Oh my gosh, Sue - that is exactly what happened to me a few days ago - I couldn't smell Butch in that pillow - prior to that each time I picked it up or went near it I could smell him. That was traumatic. When I tell people about this site and the fact that there are 4 of us right now it the same situation, they can't believe it! I have to tell you all - it helped me to write you this morning. The depression lifted a bit, and today was a better day. Darla - it is too bad that we can't all meet for breakfast somewhere we have NEVER been before - we could have a wonderful time together - commiserating. We do seem to be sharing feelings at the same time, and that is a gift right now - I hope to all of us.

Love - Joyce

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Joyce,

To all be able to get together would be great, but for now atleast we have found this site & each other to share our feelings & to support one another. Take care & try to have a nice day.

Love,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Dear Joyce,
I hope you are having another good day today. I find it hits me most when I am overtired, so I tend to go to bed early as if I stay up too late I get weepy. I wake up at 3am every morning anyway so I might as well get a couple of extra hours before midnight! I also find it is harder to be alone when darkness falls. So I find something on the TV to try to destract myself, then go straight to bed with a mug of hot milk. (I sould like a little old lady!) But it works for me!
The breakfast together sounds wonderful but if we all b=meet halfway we will be in the middle of the Atlantic! So we will have a Cyber coffee together.
Love Sue

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hi Sue,

I have pretty much the same feelings as you & follow almost the same routine. The days are getting shorter & shorter. I watch TV & go to bed early, however I usually do hot cocoa. I am up by around 5AM. I guess this must all  be pretty much normal for what we are going through. Cyber coffee for now works for me! The middle of the Atlantic would only work on a cruise! Thinking of you & sending Hugs & Smiles!

Love,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Same routine for me usually - except tonight - I am reading this at 11:30 - very late. I wake up each morning at 5:00 - take a pill to go back to sleep! I will go for the cyber coffee also - actually, I would like some cyber chai tea. I am luckyto have my dog to cuddle up with at night. I would love to get back into the book I was reading, or - my embroidery, but I just can't. I have the attention span of a knat. I am going back to work Friday - after a 7 month LOA - I can't imagine how I am going to do this, but I must try. During the day I usually make myself a list and try to accomplish something on it each day - sometimes I am successful, sometimes not. I also have a list of things I want to do in the upcoming months/years - like take a yoga class, learn to speak Spanish, become a literacy volunteeer, etc. Maybe that will motivate me to do something - so far - it hasn't worked, but - you never know! As you can see, I am big on lists.

  Love - Joyce

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

We are a strange little group aren't we? Here we are in different parts of the world going throught the same routines. I find the evenings the worst times as well and feel a sense of relief when I think I can allow myself to go to bed - this is usually at around 9.00 - 10.00 pm. I too have started doing the milky drink - I used to always have coffee but now it prevents me from sleeping.  I wake up at 3.00 most mornings and then try to go back to sleep again. I don't like to get up too early in the morning as that will give me too long a day to get through - unless I have got something planned. I am also a big list person and I make sure I give myself things to achieve every day, however small they may be. I always get a sense of achievement when I can tick things off.
   It's a pity we are so far apart because the breakfast sounds great. Good luck with going back to work, Joyce. I hope you find it ok. It's very soon for you and try not to over do it. I found going back just one day a week was really nice as I have such lovely, supportive colleagues and I hope it is the same for you.
   Anyway, Darla, Sue and Joyce, I am over here in Italy thinking of you and hoping you're all getting through the days as best you can.
  Take care,
        Love
          Pauline

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hi Again Everyone!

It is really amazing that we are all going through basically the same daily routines. I too try to accomplish atleast one thing everyday. When I have plans to do something with someone it gives me something to look forward to, also. I too like to read, but am having trouble concentrating for any length of time. I haven't been able to think much about plans for the future yet. I am happy to  to get through each day at this point! I do feel that we have to get out & do things & see people, as when I don't I really start to get depressed & feeling sorry for myself. Keeping busy helps, but there are just times that I feel the need to be alone & reflect. Everyone try to have a nice day. I will be thinking of all of you as I work my way through mine.

Love,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hi My Friends, What a pity we all live so far apart, I am sure we would all get on like a house on fire! I too am trying to get a bit of structure in my life, but I find I cant plan too far ahead. I also try to talk to get into conversation with a stranger at least once a week, Ray was always larger than life and it was easy for me to take a back seat and let him do all the conversing! Usually I try to pick people that wont think I am mad, like the checkout girl at the supermarket!
I found I wasnt eating properly, just grazing on rubbish, so I have joined weightwatchers to try to get into healthy eating and loose some of the pounds I out on last year when we went on 7 holidays! It has also given one more structure to my week. Step by step ladies, that is how we will get through this!
All my love to you all, and Pauline, I hope the sun shines down on youin Italy X

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Dear Joyce, Darla and Pualine,
I am not a naturally optimisic person, I was always the one with the cup half enpty whereas Rays cup was always half full! So I am trying to find more "Reasons to be cheerful".
After I posted last night, an old friend who I hadn't spoken to for a couple of years phoned me as she had heard about Rays death. Since I last spoke to her, her husband had left her and she was finding life hard. It got me to thinking that in some ways being left by your husband is perhaps even harder than seperated from him by death. We have the knowledge that our husbands loved us until the day they died, and can be comforted by familiar surroundings we both shared. If a husband leaves a wife, as well as the sadness we now feel, they will also feel rejection, lack of self worth and anger and resentmant, added to that they often have to leave the home they have shared and may have more financial problems that us as they have to share their possessions. So we should realy feel blessed in the knowledge that our loved ones are still smiling down on us from above!
On a lighter note, I am sure Ray is playing trick on me. He took great care over the last two years to pass on as much knowledge as he could about maintaining the house, eg the central heating, fuses etc. Since he died (only 12 days ago - it seems like a lfetime!) there is a long list of electrical things which have been misbehaving - the boiler didnt work, the TV fused, the dishwasher wouldnt empty, and last night someone rang the doorbell once and it wouldnt stop chiming! With a bit of difficulty I managed to remember what he had told me an sorted these all out on my own, it was as if he was setting a test for me to show me I could manage!
Hold your happy memories in your heart and smile!
Lots of love,
Sue

35 (edited by pauline Fri, 24 Oct 2008 02:52:37)

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Dear Sue, Darla and Joyce,
                                        Yes, I reckon if we did meet up we would never stop talking. There is a real need to keep talking isn't there and I think you become an expert on knowing those you can open up to and those you can't. I find that it is sometimes the people who you don't know so well or even have only just met that you find you can talk to. I find this is usually people who have been through a bad bereavement themselves. Some of the people I know very well avoid talking about how I am or about Anthony at all. Last night at a dinner I met someone for the first time who asked me straight away how I was coping. She was so sensitive and I knew immediately that she understood. She had been badly affected by the deaths of her grandparents and, although only in her 20s was really able to talk about these issues.
      Yes Sue, I think it is wonderful to know that our husbands loved us and we loved them until death parted us but it also makes surviving without that love so difficult, doesn't it?
      Anyway, all of you, keep going. I am off to try to close an Italian bank accout - no easy feat I can tell you! Good luck with the electrical problems Sue. I am sure Ray is very proud! Take care!
      Love
        Pauline

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Dear Pauline,
I hope you are coping with the Italian legeal system well. Did you get the sunshine I sent you? I know it makes it harder coping without them when we loved each other so much, but I am trying to keep upbeat - I know it will hit me hard soon like it did you and Darla, but at the moment I am just trying to regain my strength - I think it is working at least I dont feel that dragging exhaustion I did at first.
I forgot to tell you about the best trick played on me - we have a safe which works on a battery but has a back up key for if the battery goes flat.
I was due to go register the death and needed all the documents from the safe, but when I tried to open it the battery was flat! So me and my friend emptied out all the draws where Ray had his "Bits and pieces" - I am sure evryone else has draws like this - we found 6 unlabelled keys, but none of them fit the safe - in desperation I tried to open it again on battery and got a spark of life out of it just enough to open the safe with just 5 minutes to spare before I was due to leave to the registry office! I am sure his mischevious sense of humour is still around!
Thinking about you over there,
Lots of love,
Sue

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hi Pauline, Sue & Joyce,

Again, everything you have said & are experiencing, so have I!  I have had some strange electrical happenings which I am sure Jim had a hand in. In my case, he was an electronic tech & we had an electronics store selling & repairing etc. for many years. We then moved on to semi-retirement in antiques starting with lamps & lighting. That is why I feel strongly that he is using electrical means to let me know that he is OK & that I will be too. I also find that many times I get more comfort from strangers than close friends & relatives for the same reasons that you mentioned, Pauline.

Sue, it is good that you are being realistic about your feelings knowing that even though you may be up right now, more hard times will come, but you will be strong enough to get through them. As you said, both Pauline & I have experienced these ups & downs & still do.

I have had brief moments when I thought that if Jim had only left me atleast he would stilll be alive, but I see now how wrong that thinking was. You are right, Sue, even though Jim is gone from my life, I know that he loved me & I have all the memories to treasure & surround me.  Thanks for your insight!

Hope you two have sorted out more of the legal things satisfactorily. I have a few things left to do myself & my big project will be dealing with the VA on this as I believe Joyce is also doing.

Yes, Pauline, we are indeed a strange little group. But thanks to this wonderful site we have found each other. It truly amazes me how all of our experiences seem to be so much the same even though we live so far apart.

Well ladies, take care & try to get through another day with grace & dignity.  I will be thinking about all of you. Together we can keep each other strong.

Love,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Well, I gave myself the usual list of things to do yesterday and spent the day doing them. I got back to the house after dark and was hungry so, unusually for me, I actually bothered to cook myself some pasta - I normally can't be bothered and just have cold food. Anyway, I sat at the table in the kitchen and looked at the empty chair opposite me where Anthony used to sit and it all just overwhelmed me once again. I started to talk to him out loud and started to cry  uncontrollably. I know I have been making myself keep busy and I know I have been strong and brave and I know Anthony loved those qualities in me but isn't it unbearable when you miss someone so much? At that moment if I had been offered the chance to die and spend 5 minutes with him so that he could put his arms around me and tell me It's alright I would have died right then. Anyway eventually I just went to bed and, as I was exhausted, I slept. Today, I started again with a full list of things to do but I'm back at the very tearful stage again. I stopped at a cafe and sat outside in the sun(thank you Sue it was beautiful) and looked at some of the photos I carry around with me and cried silently( I find I am very good at this now and people around don't seem to notice). I know that all this is partly because I am in Italy where Tony and I spent so much time together in such beautiful surroundings and there are so many memories but I suppose it is something that will probably keep happening when we feel at our most vulnerable. I just sometimes feel so unbearably alone and I miss Tony to the very core of my being. Life is so sad, isn't it?
           Anyway, I'm sorry to burden you, my friends, with this but I just needed to tell the people who understand.
           Don't worry though, I am getting on with things again and this afternoon I gave the house a good clean as I have a friend arriving on Monday. That should be good because she hasn't been here before and I can show her all our favourite places and cry some more and know that she understands.
           I hope you are all "alright". I put alright in inverted commas because I know that none of us really know the meaning of alright any more do we? How are the lists going? By the way, why is it when we are at our least able to cope that other bad things seem to happen, like your electrical problems, Sue and Darla? Yesterday, I stopped at a supermarket and when I got back to the car park there was a huge dent in the side of the hire car. This has never happened to Anthony and I on all the occasions we have hired cars in Italy in the last 20 years. Never mind, but these things can be upsetting, in our situation I think, because they reinforce the loneliness, don't they?
          I am off to get myself a take away pizza now and then back home. I think a bit of terrible Italian television is called for. Take care of yourselves, Darla, Sue and Joyce.
          With love,
                Pauline

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hi Pauline,

Did the  pizza & Italian TV help????  :~) Like you I am up & down. I thought I was doing pretty good today & was busy in the shop, but all of a sudden during a slow period I just got really sad & was blaming myself again for all that was left unsaid & undone. I realistically know there is nothing I could have done differently under the circumstances, but like you I just want one more day or hour or even minute to hold him & be held by him. To tell him how much I love & miss him. I can't even sit in the kitchen where we always sat together as it just makes me too sad. I also have times when the loneliness is unbearable I just miss him so much. 

One interesting thing happened. When I came upstairs one of our favorite lights was on that I know was not on when I left. I think that is a sign from Jim that it is OK & that I will be OK. This has happened before. There is no logical reason to explain why it goes on or off at will.

Sorry you had to experience the mishap with the car. It does seem that these things take on more meaning now due to our situation. Glad that atleast the sun is shining on you in Italy.

I also am getting on OK. After I closed, friends we always ate out with were going to dinner & asked me to go with.  I had a great Italian dinner. Cheese stuffed pasta with alfredo sauce. I was thinking of you! They let me talk about how I was feeling today & like your friend, they understand.

We all need to try to keep busy & be strong & brave, but it wouldn't be normal if we didn't go through all of the other feelings too.  A friend told me something that I try to keep in mind.  The more love you shared the more it will hurt when you are seperated by death from your loved one.  If there was no love there would not be the hurt.  All I can say is that there was a lot of love & there is now a lot of hurt & emptiness!

On a lighter note, I hope you have a nice time with your friend on Monday. Take care & keep in touch.

Love,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hi Darla, I cannot imagine what you are going through as I cannot imagine life without Teddy but it sounds like you are a solid survivor. Perhaps the kind of strong love you had is what is getting you through. As for the favorite light turning on and off I am a believer and  for me, that is Jim and he wants you to know he is near you and watching over you! I used to fear death and then I read Psychic Sylvia Browne's first 2 books and erased any fear I may have  had. In the books she talks about things like your lamp episodes and how to look for signs of loved ones. I think you are doing as well as can be expected and we are all with you!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Thanks Lainy for your kind words & support. It is interesting that you should mention Sylvia Browne's books as my sister recommended them & I have recently purchased two of them & am in the process of reading them. I have been following your posts & am amazed at what you & Teddy have all been through & how well you are handling you situations. Losing Jim so fast & furiously has really been hard to accept & understand, but I know that what you two are going through is no easier.  Good luck on Monday with the Pet Scan. I will be thinking of the two of you & hoping everything turns out OK. Tell Teddy to keep the "ATTITUDE"!

With Hugs & Love,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hello Everyone,
   I meant to write yesterday, but yesterday was a "down" day - it was very depresses. I went to work on Friday, but yesterday it rained all day, and I didn't even get everthing on my list done - just couldn't. This morning I am going to church, and this afternoon some boys from the youth groups are coming over to rake my leaves - Butch asked them to, before he left us! I have hurt my shoulder, so can't this year.
  I was amazed to read about all the electrical things going wrond, lights on and off, etc. That is EXACTLY what has happened to me!! In fact, about a week before Butch passed on, he told me that if there was a way to get word back to me that he "got home safe", he would do it - didn't know if he could, he said - everybody trys it and you don't here about many successes, but he would try - didn't know what he would do, either - lights on and off, ect. - depended on what was available. I reminded him of that promise - once on the last day.  Well, the night he passed, the jockey outside where our lawn light is went out for the night shortly after he died. It is on a timer from 7 till 11:00 PM - it goes on and off at that time every other night. That night, my cousin looked out at 9:15 and it was on - she sid "I always think that jockey light is someone turning in to your driveway, so we KNOW itwas on. He passes around 9:20 and we called hospice. When she looked out because she though hospice had pulled in, it was around 10 - jocky was out and didn't come back on that night. It was fine the next night, and every night since. Many other strange things have happened, and things like the garage door openers are still acting up. Butch didn't wear his watch for quite awhile before he passed on, but when I cleaned out his dresser, I looked at the watch - it is stopped at 9:20! I think we can all safely say that our loved ones let us know that they "got home sfely", and are watching over us.
  I forget to tell you about Flashy. That night, both Flash and I were sitting on Butch's bed - Flash with his head on Butch's stomach. When the spirit left Butch's body, Flash jumped up, howled and yelled and ran barking for the sliding glass doors - he wanted OUT, scratching on the doors, etc. Since that day, he has never looked for Butch - he is sd and he KNOWS hew is gone.
  I was tending to feel that divorce was better than separation by death - I have been thru both - my prior marriage ended in divorce - but they are both truly awful - death is just final. Also, at the end of the marriage that ended in divorce, I was emotionally distanced from him, and that helped a bit - I just miss Butch so much - this sadness is much deeper.
    I know what you mean about the kitchen chair - I have moved over to his chair - that seems to help a bit - at least I am not looking at his empty chair! I am so glad I have you three to communicate with - you are all brave, wonderful souls, and we will continue along this journey together. I gain a lot of insight when I read these postings, we - the 4 of us - are a composite of bereaved spouses everywhere, and what we are going through has been gone through by millions upon millions of people since time began. I tell myself this when I get desparately sad - that we will get through this just like they all did. It helps me to put it in perspective. It IS amazing to me how similar events are amongst us. 
   I know what you all mean about talking to people - some people get that "deer in the headlights" look if we head for that subject. I know a couple of people who have lost their husbands (and wives, actually), and they seem to be able to deal with this just fine - know what to say, what not to say. etc. You DO Just learn who you can say things to, and who you can't.

I hope everyone has a good day - we should look forward to a time when the good days outnumber the bad days.

Joyce

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hello Joyce, and again I think you girls are doing amazingly well and am a firm believer that Butch is watching over you. You may also want to read Sylvia Browne's first 2 books. They are extremely soothing, so to speak. Perhaps one day a group of us will be able to meet. I think about that often. I have been telling people that I have all these new friends and that when I come on this site, I just feel so much comfort. Well, got a busy day today as my daughter, her fiance and her 4 kids are coming for dinner for T birthday. She is 46 and calls T her "real daddy". What a gift we got to have a blended family of grown children who thnk they are really brothers and sisters! Tell Butch to keep those "signs" coming!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hi Joyce,

Well, it seems that we are still all experienceing the same feelings etc. It is comforting to know that we are not alone. It appears that all of this is just a part of the "normal?" grieving process.  Atleast you have the first day of work over with.  Hopefully every day will be a little easier to handle.  I too start to feeling sad & sorry for myself & all of us, feeling why me? why us? then have to take a look at the broader picture. We are not alone. There are many more who have & will be going through similar losses.  We will all learn how to survive in our own time and way. We have no choice.  Atleast we have each other & the many wonderful people on this site to help guide us.

Lainy,
I too think about the possibility that we may all be able to meet some day.  Wouldn't that be great? Who knows, maybe some day-----

Well, my friends, here's hoping you all have a nice day. Hopefully one day we will be able to achieve more good days than bad.

Hugs & Love To All

Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

All of you women are amazing - Darla, Sue, Lainy, Pauline, Joyce, Rachel and many others.  I really admire you all.  Keep talking and keep holding on to each other and to all of us. 

Carol

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hi Everyone, well I had my first big "down" day yesterday. I just felt so alone, even thought I know I have loads of friends and family just a phonecall away. So I took Poppy for a walk to the church to Rays grave. It is amazing, most of the flowers are still alive - we had mostly white lilies in the wreaths and they were all opening up. Ray is in a lovely place in the graveyard, and the sun was shining on him. I feel I did my best for him but I miss him so much. But Joyce, your experience with the lights made me shiver. We have motion activated security lights on our garage which only come on in the dark, for three days after Ray died, the lights were on permanantly all through the day, and now they are back to working normally! So I take it he is Ok there according your logic!
Pauline, I am so sorry about your car - it is the little things that turn us to tears isn't it? It will be good for your to have your friend with you there, have a bit of "girly" time - sometimes I am sorry for men, they dont always communicate sp well as us girls do they?
I am glad the sun shone for you - I hope it continues to shine!
Love to all,
Sue

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hi All,

Interesting that we are all experiencing the same things, again. I do believe that these occurances are signs from our loved ones that they are OK & that they are watching over us & we also will be OK.

Sue, I hope today was a better day for you. I know how those down days feel.  I too have many relatives & friends I could call, but sometimes I just feel I need to be alone & work through these things myself. Everyone take care.

Love,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hi Sue,
   Sorry about your "down" day - hope today was better. Saturday was my bad day - it rained all day, and there were grey skies - inside and out! I guess we habve to have these days, but, boy - it is tough when it hits, isn't it? I have to do some talking to myself, and Butch, and God to get through. Tonight I didn't ger home until 8:00, so I am headed straight to bed - woke up at 4:30 this morning - that is just indecent!

To all of you -

Love,

Joyce

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hi Joyce,

You were up at 4:30 & I was up at 5. I guess we are going to have to force ourselves to stay up later so we can hopefully start to sleep a bit longer. Now that it is dark so early & will be worse next week when the time changes, it sure is going to be hard. I actually saw snow in the air yesterday. That was really depressing! I think this is going to be a long hard winter for all of us. Together with the help of each other & our husbands watching over us we will get through this. Have a nice day.

Love,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

Hi all, had a better day today thank you. I had some VAT returns to do for my company which has kept me busy for two days, also the sun shone - although it was cold it looked cheerful.
I agree this will be the worst winter of our lives, but I am sure the thing to do is to plan something for each day to keep ourselves busy.
Long dark nights dont appeal. I actually dont mind getting up early it is better than staying up late. In the morning you can get jobs done, get prepared for the day, luxuriate in a lovely long bath and before you know it it is light again! I also find it is really useful to check this site then, because of the time difference between the UK and the USA there are often more postings to read and it helps.
But in the evening there is the empty chair there to remind you....
So at the moment I am filling up my diary!
Sending you all strength and hugs - group hugs!
Lots of love Sue x