What are the signs of impending death? (Page 1 of 2)

LD,
Oh, I feel so terrible for you! It breaks my heart. I, too, had to do the death watch for my mother (age 64), and was frantically trying to get answers as to when the end was near. A week before my mother's death, the swelling in her legs got much worse and worked up to her abdomen more, even to her behind and hips, and fluid started leaking through the pores in her legs. Hospice told me that was a sign of the end, but she seemed the same otherwise, so I didn't believe them. Then, one night, she suddenly sat up and said, "Something's wrong!" and started vomiting black bile. Then she had to go to the bathroom for the first time in days and had a bm. My mother's dear friend told me to call the hospice nurse right then, saying she knew that your body will purge itself of all its fluids in preparation for death. The hospice nurse came and looked at my mother, who was sleeping but still conscious a few hours a day, and said my mother would definitely die within 48 hours. She was absolutely right. She based this on looking at my mother's fingernails - she said they were turning blue underneath, but I couldn't really see it - and on her shallow breathing and low blood pressure. She told us to watch for the "death rattle" - a terrible-sounding breathing that most people have at the end of life, sometimes only for a few minutes, sometimes for hours. My mother got that gurgly kind of rattling breathing shortly thereafter and she went on like that for 4-5 hours, but it got louder and then I knew it was soon. For the last few minutes of her life, her breathing suddenly got much quieter, so I knew a change was happening, then she just gasped her last few breaths and she was gone.

The night before she died she also had confusion and tried to get up and got agitated, which we were told to expect, and hospice gave me some kind of pill to give her to calm her down. That may also be a sign of the end.

I'm telling you this because I know how desperately I was looking for signs of the end, and I couldn't find any answers. But everyone is different, even in the way they die, so I don't know if this information is much help to you.

I hope for a peaceful passing for your dear husband and I pray for peace for you and your grieving family. My heart goes out to you.
- Joyce

LD...I'm so sorry to hear your husband is close to the end of life.  I really feel at this stage all family and loved ones probally should have visited and shared their last loving moments.  Trying to determine what day or hour someone is going to pass is something that does not happen very often.  Quite often a person will hold on to life for every possible moment until a loved one lets them know it is okay, they will always be loved and they may rest peacefully now.  It's not uncommon for someone passing to look or await for those words of reassurance. The last sounds or hints are so different for everyone.  LD, the children should understand the timing of someone dying is not an exact science. Trying to rush for the final breath puts your children and others at risk for an accident. It is such an emotional time for all. May your husband rest peacefully until the it's time to go. I'm sure Hospice Staff will do their best.
God Bless,
Jeff G.

My sister is almost in her 3rd week of hospice care. Her blood pressure went really low and then it rose again today. She is swollen, and not responsive. The docs gave her 3 days 2 weeks ago. I think I have heard that rattle. This is so very painful. I am home because her children are there. I have to sleep at some point in my own home.
Blessings to all of you patients, family friends and care givers!

Middlesister

Hi Middlesister,
It sounds like you and I are in about the same place.  Joe has been in hospice for about 10 days now.  No rattle yet but the confusion and the swelling are huge.  He sleep most of the day but has some lucid periods.  We have now limited visitors to just family and that helps a lot.  THe nurse said he may just stop breathing and die or he could go into a coma.  With Thanksgiving coming we canoot plan anything.  We have a daughter getting married at Christmas and the bridal shower is the day afte Thanksgiving but we have to hold evrything with a loose had.  Just one day at a time.  It is not in our timing.  I hope you have family around to help you. I can't do this by myself. I can't even move him in the bed alone anymore.
My prayers are with you as we say goodbye.  Mary Anne

My heart goes out to all who are facing the the decline of their loved ones.  It might be helpful if those of us who have traveled this road before to reach out by private e-mail to the members requesting assistance in this very personal matter.  Gladly, I will share with anyone my experience.  Please, feel free to e-mail me, anytime. 
All my love,
Marion

My mom is nearing the end but not quit there. She just had a bile drain put in and if she stablizes, she can go home. Can any one tell me about experiences with thesed drains and what to expect after?

god bless evryone

Natasha,
My dad had a drain and it wasn't so bad.  Just had to watch it when he was in bed and moved.  Mom had to sponge bathe him during that time too.  But he relieved a lot of his discomfort so it was worth it.

Natasha,
So sorry to hear about your mother and how she's worsening. Being in the hospital so long can be dehumanizing and must bring her spirits down even more.  I was in a similar situation with my mother, but I can't really tell you when the end will come, since it's so different for everyone. Just know that your being there is an immense comfort to her and she loves you for it.

As for not talking about death, I can tell you that I'm one person who regrets not talking about it more fully with my mother (she really wasn't comfortable with the subject, and I guess I wasn't, either). There are so many things left unsaid between us, so many regrets. That said, I think I can say with certainty, that even if you DID talk about every aspect of death with your mom for 3 weeks straight, you will still have regrets after she has died. It's a terrible part of the grief process: though we rationally know that we did all we could, our minds keep going over what we should have done differently, what we should have said or should not have said. I'm just telling you this to prepare you so you don't feel as guilty - but you probably will feel guilt. So if you think your mother would be upset by your bringing up the subject, try to bring it up gently, and if she refuses to talk about it, then just honor her wishes. That's all you can do - it's her choice and if you let her know that you are open to anything she wishes, then you've done the ultimate good for her. Everyone copes differently, and some people just don't want to make plans for/talk about the end.

I grieve for you in this painful situation. All my love and hope going out to you and your mother and your family. You can always come here for a bit of support if you need a shoulder to lean on.
Joyce M

Dear Natasha,

I had to say hello and send warm thoughts from Thunder Bay Ontario! Where abouts do you live in Canada? I am so sorry to hear about your mother's current situation. 40 days in the hospital just seems cruel to me! I really hope the doctor's are doing all they can for her. I understand what you mean about not wanting to rock the boat over talking about death. It has been very difficult for me to talk to my father about his impending death also because we have never been all that close, so talking about death was the last thing I wanted to do. But I am so thankful I talked about it with him. We didn't talk about it that much, but what I found helped was writing him a letter. I found I could better explain myself through writing. I don't know if that is an option for you? Anyways, this is a very special time for you and your mother to share as painful, and frustrating and difficult it is. She must really love you for the constant support. You and your mom are in my prayers!

Hugs,

Ashlea

Anastasia,

You are very strong and a very good daughter. I honestly don't know how I would handle what you are going through, to lose a parent while you are caring for the other parent who is terminally ill is beyond what anyone should have to suffer. I pray for your strength to keep going.

I would ask the doctor for an honest assessment of how long she can continue in her condition. Also, can she be moved to a hospice facility? In the States, typically they would not keep a patient who is nearing the end in the hospital, not sure if there is a different protocol in Canada. In the hospice setting, there are services offered that may not be available in the hospital to help your mother and you and your family prepare for her death.

Patty

Natasha....I am hoping and wishing for your Mom to be relieved of her pain today.  Natasha, have you spoken with the attending physician?  Have they ever treated an GI cancer patient?  You might want to mention to either, the nurses, or physician, or both, that you are a member of Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation website therefore, the treatment your Mom is receiving is being observed by people from all over the world. The members on this site have first-hand experience with the progression of this cancer and are behind you, all the way.
My heart is with you,
Hugs
Marion

Natasha, I am so sorry for your loss of your father and then pain and suffering your mom is enduring with CC.  I truly don't think I could endure so much sadness and stress at one time, you are an amazing person.   I am kind of baffled by the treatment of your mother at the hospital.   Have they done ultrasounds on your moms abdomen to see if there is a bowel  obstruction?  Are they giving her laxatives of any kind?  has a suppository been suggested?  Your mom needs relief now.   Also, what kind of pain therapy do they have your mom on?  Is she wearing a patch of any kind, morphine?    It seems at this point the goal should be to get the pain controlled.
You are an incredible daughter, and I am sure your mom is so grateful for your loving support.  I pray  for strength for you and the pain to be relieved for your mother.
Peace
Barbara